The Little Book of Important Things to Remember

It was a grand day today. i got some pain, and great sex, thank you Master. i got bound spread eagle on the bed, got marks that are really scarey looking and make me a bit nervous. i hope they are gone before i leave for home. No i don't. Yes i do, no i don't. i've been in that sort of mindset all afternoon.

We took a drive to the scrap yard this afternoon, my second favorite place in Kuwait. Terrible sand storm, great walls of sand blowing across the road. Looked out my window once and saw a sand tornado-like spiral moving over the desert. We had to keep Max in sight on his run today. If he stopped to play with something he'd found, there was danger he might become a dune. We didn't run him so long, the weather was really terrible.

After the trip to Jahra, we went out for dinner. The last time we played Master took me out for dinner at the same restaurant. i asked Him today if this was going to become part of the tradition. He smiled.

He seems to have changed since coming back. Maybe He's finally realized how important pain is to my life. He learned a new fact today. Great sex, lowers the blood pressure. Maybe that will help me get more of what i crave.

July 3, 2003

It has been a most fine day. Master let me sleep in until almost 8 this morning. i woke up to the smell of blueberry muffins. Master didn't make coffee because He didn't know when i'd wake and He knows i like it fresh. Then He let me do some work, He took a nap so He wouldn't bother me. Told me to come in and wake Him in an hour. Worked out just fine. What i had to do took just about an hour to get ready and out. i went in to wake Master and He told me to get undressed and lay with Him in bed.

And then He blindfolded me and put on my collar and cuffs. And proceeded to give me an excellent time of erotic torture and pain. Zipper on the labia. i knew He was putting clamps on but i lost track of how many. i should have known something was coming when He asked if i was ready to take them off. He told me to put His pillow over my face and told me to cum. Then He peeled me off the ceiling. Even now thinking about it makes me want to cum again.

He found a new and unusual use for the back scratcher. Amazing to use on feet. And i love the scratches on my back. The back of my bra causes just enough pain to be a constant reminder as it rubs across the scratches. He let me have the vibrator until i was weak and helpless. Then He did some anal things and used the beads. The whole time came as a complete surprise. Made all the more special because He had had it planned. The day was all roses and sunshine from there on.

He took me out to a late lunch/early dinner and a bit of shopping. Bought some hair stuff and looked at things that are on sale at 70% off because they are too tacky for even Kuwaitis to want.

Came home and got Max, and took him to the Vet on the way out to his run. He was so good we stopped at MacDonalds after the run and got him an icecream. Came home again, and trench in front of the car park entrance had been filled in. All in all a marvelous day. Got home in time to talk to Daughter with no thought all day long of trying to hurry. Only bad thing to happen is Daughter is not online tonight.

Thank you Master for an exceptional day. Pleasant, erotic, filled with good food, and fine comanpy. i am most content. Thank you for a wonderful anniversary of my arrival in Kuwait and our life together real time.

What did i get accomplished today? Nothing. i had to go into the office today because there were final exams. i stopped at the market and got a few things, got gas so i could take the dog out, did that and came home. Max decided i wanted to get up at 5:30 this morning. It's now 12:01 tomorrow and that is what i did. i read some and watched the movie Pearl Harbor. When i wake up today i must do something worthwhile.

Mother Should be just about in CA by now. i hope she has a good time. Daughter must have got a better offer than to talk to me today. i hope she has a good time.

i've been trying to be reflective about my life, but i guess it's just not in me. Someone asked what the dynamic of our relationship is. Not specifically me and mine, but a nice question, nonetheless. i've been giving that some mighty thought.

Our relationship: i guess one could say it is shared responsibility. It is my responsibility to take care of Him. To see that His life runs as smoothly as possible. It is my responsibility to make sure He has someone to listen to when He feels like talking. It is my responsibility to see that He has nutritious and well-prepared food, clean clothes, a comfortable home. It is my responsibility to be there when He needs me. My responsibilities run along those lines.

It is His responsibility to take care of me. He is to be there when i need someone to talk to. It is His responsibility to provide a place for me to be. He is to be sure there is food for me and clothes. His responsibility is to make sure i have reliable transportation. His responsibilities lie along those lines. He is to be there when i need Him.

We share the responsibility for our life together. We endeavor, each in our own way, to make what we have work. i was going to say most often it does. But that is not correct. It works. Sometimes there are a few wrinkles to iron out, using a shirt analogy, but even if the shirt has wrinkles it is still wearable. It might not be as presentable as one would like, but it is still wearable. Sometimes our life together has a few wrinkles, but it is still wearable. And i like it.

Sometimes i like to piss and moan. And that is also His responsibility. Sometimes i'm p'ing and m'ing about Him, so one could say He is responsible for it.Sometimes life gets me doing it. And His responsibility is to get me through it. It works both ways. When life puts Him in a foul mood, if women get bitchy, do men get bastardy?, it is my responsibility to see Him through it.

We took on these responsbilities willingly, eyes wide open when we entered into this relationship. We are here to help each other have a better life. We take our responsibilities seriously. Our life works.

My computer is giving me fits. Master says He is going to look at it and see what He can do about it. BUT i guess it is on His time, not mine. i have finally gotten a promise from Him that He will work on it on Thursday morning. yea, right!

My mood is not very good today. i was going to say i don't understand why, but i do know. It is the computer. i hate it when Master says He will do something for me, and then my problem/request is not first priority. Makes me wonder just where i come on the priority list. Most days i believe it is somewhere after, waking up, eating, working, pee-ing, shitting, reading email, looking at porn sites, petting the dog, picking His teeth, scratching His ass, changing the light bulb on the right turn signal light on His car, trimming His toenails, opening the bedroom window, taking out the trash, oh no, wait, that is my job, buying too many heads of lettuce at the market because one box of local lettuce is 30 cents cheaper than one head of u.s. lettuce, ( but don't worry, we won't eat all those heads of lettuce before about 1/2 of them go bad, so we've really saved how much money?), trying to download every single MP3 there is out there along with any and all vidoes of any type that are available, taking a shower, feeding the dog, no, no, no, that is also my job, sending me email 'funnies' where even there i am at the very bottom of the list. Oh there i am. At the bottom of the list.

Well, not really at the bottom of the list, i am more important to Him than a used and broken toothpick, three peanuts, an empty ice cream carton, a broken screw driver, and a rusty hammer.

i realize i shouldn't expect to be the first priority all the time, or maybe even any of the time, but i don't know that i ever expected to be the top half of the bottom .05% all the time.

i wonder where i would come in a non-love relationship? Perhaps this is why i have been thinking along those lines. Non-love. Perhaps i expect to be a higher priority to Him because He says He loves me. Foolish me. If He didn't profess to love me, i wouldn't expect to be placed higher on His list of important things. But He says He does, and therefore, i can't help myself having misplaced expectations.

What to do, what to do, what to do.

Or am i just being a bitch. (rhetorical question--does not require an answer)




Or am i being a bitch?

Master has taken pity on my level of stress, and out of the blue i got several kinds of pain today. This morning, first thing. Then He brought me back, and i actually felt myself floating down. An odd experience that. There was binding, and wax, and clamps, and whips. He also tried knife work, and found i am not ready for that. i thought He cut me, and i cried. Not from the pain, from the fear of the cutting. i found out this afternoon, there was no blood, i guess that is what is called a nonconsentual mindfuck.

My tongue has been sore for about five days now. i know i'm not dehydrated, because i have been drinking the suggested amounts of water all the time. i also have a metalic taste in my mouth. Can't figure this one out. Will do a bit of research at the Faculty library on Sunday. See if i can come up with anything. Of course if it hurts too badly, perhaps i won't be able to eat. That wouldn't hurt for a week or five.

i may have to call Whacko Jacko and ask him for the number of his curse shaman. Someone, you know who you are, tempted the fates, and asked about wind and sand. Yesterday we had a very strong wind, but no sand. Today the fates, i'm not sure which one it is, decided to stir up the sand. Lovely weather today. Started out with the wind, then came the sand, then a bit of sun, but not enough to produce shade, then wind again, and finally rain, actually a mud storm. Dirty air+water falling from the sky=mud storm. The only good thing about the weather today is that tomorrow is a holiday. And a good thing too, i'm very tired today. i know why, and it's not bad, but i am tired.

Master has an anniversary next week. March 5 He will be in Kuwait 12 years. He came into Kuwait 5 days after the liberation of Kuwait from the Iraqi invasion. He was in Saudi during the war. He began His time with the Kuwait Airforce working on their planes during the war. The next time He will be working for the KAF from Dubai.

Max got hit by an ATV today. One came by him on the run, he took off after it, and wonder of wonders caught it. He came around head first into the ATV. He got hit on the left back thigh. Didn't break any bones or get cut or anything like that, but i'm sure he has a bruise. He doesn't seem to be favoring it or anything, but we shall wait until tomorrow and see what happens. If he shows any signs of pain i'll give him half an aspirin. He does take pills well.

It seems to me that another week will soon be gone with no pain for me. He keeps talking about it, but not doing anything. Is this what is known as a mind fuck? Something has to happen soon.

Since our anniversary i've felt myself becoming much more service oriented. It is difficult to do, because He does so much for himself. When i ask if He wants something He says He can get it himself. Sometimes it almost seems like an argument to get Him to allow me to do things for Him. i've also found myself picking up after Him. It seems i'm becoming His mother, putting things away for Him. I've decided it's easier to just follow around after Him putting this or that away or back where it belongs, than listen to Him moan and groan and piss and rant about where something is. He doesn't notice. Perhaps it is too soon. i'm not about to ask Him. It should not be my place to draw His attention to what i do. i have found myself biting my tongue more often and harder. i am not sure all is well between us. We get along fine, we enjoy each others' company, i have strong feelings for Him, He says He loves me, yet i feel something is missing.

Am i asking for too much? Am i expecting too much? Maybe now is not the time for these thoughts to be coming to the front. i am close to being afraid. There is so much going on. Am i changing maybe growing in another direction? Is it just the lack of pain that is making me think this way or is there something more lacking? Questions i have been trying to answer.

Last night i screamed at Master. i told Him to stay away from me. i told Him not to come into the kitchen. i threw things and screamed and slammed the door over and over and over in my frustration. i told Him i hoped He hurt Himself, when He came to see what was the matter. He has no clue what caused my fit. He thinks i slipped or fell off the kitchen step stool. i will not tell Him why i did what i did or said what i said. It won't make a difference. He won't change. If i want to live with Him i have to accept that. i am having such a hard time with this. It is probably the last thing in the way of my surrender.

i think i've posted once before to this list, i read it all, just don't post. i seldom have anything interesting to say, but this struck me.

i've been reading the thread on spending money. Master doesn't make me account for my money. He knows i don't need much. i don't like to have lots of things just to have them. i buy what i need when i need it. If i don't need it, i don't buy. i pay all my expenses. i pay for repairs to emerson (the car) i buy gas, pay for any medicines or medical bills i have. Anything that is about me, i pay for with my money.

Anything that is for us, comes out of the house money, and that Master takes care of. i seldom go shopping for food by myself. i can't remember the last time that happened. i can put whatever i want in the shopping cart, but when it comes time to check out, Master has the final say on what gets paid for and what gets put back on the shelf. He pays all the house bills, and has final say on any purchases we make for our life together.

i pay the rent on the apartment, my work contract gives me money for housing. He pays for everything else. If house money looks like it is going to run out before the month ends, sometimes we will both put in a few dinars extra to get through to the first, but that only happens about twice a year. Before He goes home each year for vacation, He makes sure all bills are paid and there is food, except for things like bread and milk, to last until He gets back. Then He gives me a few dinars extra, just in case.

i don't have to ask permission to spend any money, but i always do. It's just that i don't spend money on many things that are not for Him in one way or another.

julia

We went out to get a new microwave tonight. And i baptized it with popcorn. The whole reason microwaves were invented in my opinion. We got one with a special popcorn button. How cool.

i didn't go to the office today. Instead i spent the day on me. Because of the move, my hands looked like they had been through a war. i got a manicure. And a pedicure. i got my hair trimmed, and had a reflexology massage. Saturday is sheera day. In the message i posted to a group i read, i said i don't spend money on things i don't need. And the money i do spend is for Master. i got the manicure and pedicure for Master because He likes my hands and feet to be beautiful and sexy. i got my hair trimmed for the same reason, Him. The sheera is because He likes me hairless everyplace but my head. i admit i get some benefit from these things. The day at the salon was sort of like a calgon bath. It is ramadan and the shop was very quiet. Most Muslim women were home sleeping or preparing the meals to break the fast. That's a lie, they were telling their maids what to prepare to break the fast. There were no phone calls for me. No students stopped by to ask questions about their research papers. No teachers came in and complained or vented or just used up my air. The move has been stressful for me. Add to that all the stuff that has been going on at work, and i needed today so that Master has an emotionally healthy slave.

About my crying.

It has bothered my for quite a while now. i've tried to put it into some sort of perspective. i think i have it nailed, now if i can just get the words right.

For over 2/3 of my life i have had to be the strong person. In my marriage, if i didn't make the decisions they didn't get made. If i didn't pay the bills they didn't get paid. After the divorce, i had the responsibility of raising two children, one of whom had serious health problems that persist still. If i wasn't strong for them, there was no one else around who could be. i got them raised, and am proud to say i'd like them even if they weren't my own.

Once my son was gone i was alone. i lived in a foreign country. While i had plenty of people who cared for me, i had no one to take care of me. i took care of myself. i didn't mind, i liked being an only child finally. i enjoyed having only myself to be responsible for and to. If i didn't want to eat dinner at 6 p.m., i didn't. If i didn't want to eat a balanced meal at all, i didn't. i had no one to answer to but myself. If i got wishy washy or squeamish about some decision that had to be made, it was my own fault for the consequences. i liked that.

Now i am Master's. i have always maintained that being His is the most difficult thing i have ever done. He only asks one thing from me, and that is to give Him my control. After our first year together, i gave Him a gold coin with the arabic term for control inscribed on it. He keeps it in His wallet. i have given Him a symbol of my control, but i still fight it every day. i fight every day to keep from taking it back. i don't believe He has a good idea of how hard i must work to not wrest it back from His ownership.

i have spent several days recently trying to figure out why i cry. i think that is it. It is my way of releasing the frustration i fight to be submissive to Him. i want to handle things my way. i'm good at it. i have done it for many years without anyone's help. But now, i must obey what He says. And that is hard. And that is why i cry.

i am not unhappy with my life. i feel more at peace with myself than ever before. i don't know that i love Master in the same way that He says He loves me. i don't know if i'm capable of that kind of love. i do have very strong feelings for Him, but i don't know that it is love. i know i need to be with Him, or someone like Him. And that is why i cry.
How weird.

At 7:39 tonight was the first moment of the day i had the chance to chill. From the time i got up this morning at 4:30 to take the dog out for his morning run, to 7:39 this evening i have been on the run. On top of that the trip home from the office, which normally takes 40 minutes, took 1 hour and 40 minutes. On top of that, while all i really wanted was some quiet time, Master couldn't talk fast enough about all the things He wanted to say. i was very tempted to tell Him to 'just shut the fuck up!', but knowing how much He likes the razor strop as punishment and how much i hate the cane, i kept my mouth shut. He is gone now, i think purposefully longer than usual, just to give me the chance to chill. i am so tense my back spasms are having spasms. i hate feeling like this.

i want to know why a drug that costs $10/ day in the states cost about 1/10th of that in other countries. i want to know why someone who needs that drug in the states but is not able to afford it has to beg and plead with the government to have the 'right' to it. i want to know why the manufacturer of said drug charges so much, but can manage to give samples to the physicians all over the country to hand out to patients. Or why said drug manufacturer can offer coupons for free 'scripts, but can't find it in it's heat to make this drug available to all who could benefit from it without making these people loose their self-dignity. i want to know why the drug manufacturers of the world have the right to treat people in this way. i think it sucks that Big Money can get away with this. Or make it nearly impossible for the 'little person' to find a way to benefit from the drug. i want to know why life can seem so unfair. A person with so many things working to make his/her life more difficult has to fight just to keep his/her emotional health in balance. Where is it written that this must be so? And who the fuck made that decision?

Jeeze, i'm a bitch tonight. i think i'll just say good night gracie.

Today was not the best of days. i wonder if my biorythms are skewed. A basket on the top shelf of the computer desk fell off and hit me and then fell to the floor. Two bottles of red nail polish broke and spewed all over the blue carpet. i was not happy. After about an hour's worth of scrubbing the spots are gone. But now the rest of the carpet looks bad, because that spot is so clean. i had to pitch the house dress i was wearing and used about half a bottle of polish remover to get the paint off me. Cleaning it ruined my nails, i was so upset and nervous i had to redo them three times. What a mess. Finally they passed Master's muster. i thought i was going to be in big trouble, punishment even. The punishment isn't corporal. i couldn't wear anything today. If i am not going to be careful of my clothes, i can't wear any. It was a bit chilly today. And i had to be careful of cold dog noses.

Since i can't wear anything today, i am home while Master is at a party. In one way i am not too upset by that. One of Master's co-workers is going back to the States to die. He has stomach cancer and the doc says it is inoperable. Not too happy an occasion, but Master felt obligated to go because He works with the man. i am not unhappy to be home. i am cold.

i have about half my mid semester exams marked. They were not good. Not much has been good today. Is it Friday the 13th today?