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a question of surrender
Apr. 26th, 2002 08:56 pmHow come a day that begins at 6:15 in the morning goes faster than a day that begins at 9? Can't figure that one out. i woke up about 5:30 this morning, but managed to stay in bed until 6:15. Master got up then too. i went for a good long bike ride, Master went shopping. All of a sudden it was 2:30 in the afternoon. Then we went to the store again to get the rest of the stuff for dinner and now, in the blink of an eye, it's almost 8:30. Where did the day go?
Master put me into what is commonly called sub space again today. i don't particularly like that term, but i don't have anything better. He says i'm going in faster and faster each time. i can't be sure it's easier or not, it just happens.
With all the talk recently on the bdsm list i've been checking out NLP sites. i've always thought i was very suggestable, now i'm very sure of it. Master has a degree in psychology, i'm sure He knows about it. i believe He uses it on me. i believe He uses it quite well.
Things are becoming clearer now in my mind. When Master and i were first together i asked Him the differences between a Master and a Dominant. i don't remember exactly what He answered, but my next question was what did He consider Himself to be. He said He is a Dominant. He is more interested in mind control. He believes a Master a level of skill with toys He doesn't feel He has. Not that i can complain about His skill, but He feels He isn't as skillful as others.
It doesn't take me long to put two and two together. i believe this is what He is talking about, NLP. i believe this is why i have never said no to Him about anything. The only thing He has ever asked of me is to give up my control to Him. i have done that to the best of my ability. i'm sure i haven't surrendered myself to Him, yet, but i expect that to happen. i'm not sure what surrender takes, but it may be close.
This afternoon, as i went into that place, i remember Him saying to me 'Don't say no to Me.' and i thought to myself, why do i do this? Why do i fight? i always give up in the end and i know that is how it will happen. Why put up the fight? Why not just give in immediately? Once i stop the fight, i can go there, to that place, sub space.
Am i afraid i won't come back from there? As quickly as i can go there now, it seems it takes the same amount of time or longer for me to leave. Today i woke up alone on the bed. i don't remember when He left. i'm not aware of what He did to me. i'm guessing it was something to do with clamps, my nipples are very tender. My throat is a bit raw, i'm not coming down sick. Did He work with breah control today? i don't remember for sure. He says i'm getting louder. Did i orgasim at the top of my lungs? He says that happens often. My release is loud. He likes that.
Is that place like meditation? Is my mind really empty when i'm there? Or are the things that happen to me so far beyond my 'reality' i cannot think of them. How does my body respond to Him when i'm there. It must be right, whatever it does, He keeps sending me back.
He has assured me He won't let me stay there. Is that a possibility? Could i go away and not come back? i think i like it, being there. It must not frighten me, otherwise how could i do it so easily? Is it a good thing? i have no clue. i'm pretty sure it's not a bad thing. i know He likes being the one who can do this to me. i wonder if He would enjoy watching someone else send me there?
It would be interesting to know if i went there when Master sent me to Dick, or if it was just nerves and excitement and anticipation that made all those things happen to me. Master was pleased with Dick's report. He was pleased with me and proud.
i believe we are moving into another level. We are in a period of transition. Pha! Everything is part of transition. One thing moves into another with no effort. i know that. i also know there is a new intensity in our life. This doesn't change any of the suffers i've had in the past, i still don't get what i want as often as i want it. i just mean there is a new intensity and i believe i am moving closer to surrender.
Master put me into what is commonly called sub space again today. i don't particularly like that term, but i don't have anything better. He says i'm going in faster and faster each time. i can't be sure it's easier or not, it just happens.
With all the talk recently on the bdsm list i've been checking out NLP sites. i've always thought i was very suggestable, now i'm very sure of it. Master has a degree in psychology, i'm sure He knows about it. i believe He uses it on me. i believe He uses it quite well.
Things are becoming clearer now in my mind. When Master and i were first together i asked Him the differences between a Master and a Dominant. i don't remember exactly what He answered, but my next question was what did He consider Himself to be. He said He is a Dominant. He is more interested in mind control. He believes a Master a level of skill with toys He doesn't feel He has. Not that i can complain about His skill, but He feels He isn't as skillful as others.
It doesn't take me long to put two and two together. i believe this is what He is talking about, NLP. i believe this is why i have never said no to Him about anything. The only thing He has ever asked of me is to give up my control to Him. i have done that to the best of my ability. i'm sure i haven't surrendered myself to Him, yet, but i expect that to happen. i'm not sure what surrender takes, but it may be close.
This afternoon, as i went into that place, i remember Him saying to me 'Don't say no to Me.' and i thought to myself, why do i do this? Why do i fight? i always give up in the end and i know that is how it will happen. Why put up the fight? Why not just give in immediately? Once i stop the fight, i can go there, to that place, sub space.
Am i afraid i won't come back from there? As quickly as i can go there now, it seems it takes the same amount of time or longer for me to leave. Today i woke up alone on the bed. i don't remember when He left. i'm not aware of what He did to me. i'm guessing it was something to do with clamps, my nipples are very tender. My throat is a bit raw, i'm not coming down sick. Did He work with breah control today? i don't remember for sure. He says i'm getting louder. Did i orgasim at the top of my lungs? He says that happens often. My release is loud. He likes that.
Is that place like meditation? Is my mind really empty when i'm there? Or are the things that happen to me so far beyond my 'reality' i cannot think of them. How does my body respond to Him when i'm there. It must be right, whatever it does, He keeps sending me back.
He has assured me He won't let me stay there. Is that a possibility? Could i go away and not come back? i think i like it, being there. It must not frighten me, otherwise how could i do it so easily? Is it a good thing? i have no clue. i'm pretty sure it's not a bad thing. i know He likes being the one who can do this to me. i wonder if He would enjoy watching someone else send me there?
It would be interesting to know if i went there when Master sent me to Dick, or if it was just nerves and excitement and anticipation that made all those things happen to me. Master was pleased with Dick's report. He was pleased with me and proud.
i believe we are moving into another level. We are in a period of transition. Pha! Everything is part of transition. One thing moves into another with no effort. i know that. i also know there is a new intensity in our life. This doesn't change any of the suffers i've had in the past, i still don't get what i want as often as i want it. i just mean there is a new intensity and i believe i am moving closer to surrender.
