The Little Book of Important Things to Remember

We went to breakfast yesterday with sister and her husband. When Mother called on Saturday to ask them about it, everything was all fine and hunky-dorie for leaving after 10 after the car race. I find a pretty good movie to watch on AMC and think this will be ok, they won't be ready to go until the movie is almost over. She calls about 9 Sunday morning wanting to know if we are ready. i mention the fact that she had said the day before they would be ready later. She says she will tape the rest of the movie. Fine, mother doesn't have a video player, but ok, fine.

We go to the restaurant they suggest, it's full, with a waiting line. Don't suggest the one i wanted to go to, no, let's go to this one, or that one all the way in Waterloo, more difficult, actually to get to than the one i wanted to go to in the first place. We get there, have a two minute wait for a table and a 45 minute wait for the food. The 10:00 brunch was a 12:30 lunch. While we are there Sister says she is taking Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday off.

Great, i'll be gone. She had said don't make any plans for her birthday, it's the big Five Oh, and i took her at her word. Now she tells me she wants to do stuff on her days off. They will be going on vacation about the time i get back from S.C. for two weeks. i leave for Kuwait about two weeks after S.C. i am really hating parts of this vacation. i called her last night and we talked for a bit. i told her if she had even given me a hint that she was planning some time off , i would not have made the plans i did. She says it's no big deal. It is a big deal. i miss her. Fuck! i've always felt lucky that my family wasn't as messed up as some i know. Now i'm wondering if we really are, or if it is just me.

i hate it when all i can do is rant when i write. i don't have Master to talk things out with. i know He reads this regularly, and that pleases me, but it's not the same as having instant feedback. He asked if i was going to keep it up while i'm on my big adventure. A laptop would be nice about now. He said many motels offer a space with computers, so i'll have to be sure to check. i plan to take a notebook along and then when i get there i can make one big entry if i have the opportunity. Or i can do it when i get back to Mother's.

For dinner Mother and i went to Panera, a really nice Seattle type coffee shop with a soup and sandwich menu and deserts that are killer. i had a veggie sandwich and a bowl of black bean soup. i am amazed that now that Mother is single again, it isn't any problem to go out for nearly every meal, like it was when she was married. Do we think she was just rebelling? We brought home a big sweet roll to share for breakie today. i could go there again many times. House made breads, wow! and a bagguette is served with the soup, so a sandwich really isn't needed

Why is it that traits i adore/admire/love in Master are the very things i despise in my sister's husband? Is it because i am jealous that she has someone else besides me? i know i've put this same rant in my journal at some point, but this just has to come out again or it will strangle me with black feelings. i am not sure it is him exactly, but what he means to her. i know she meant it as a compliment when she said he was just like a sister to her. But i can't help feeling that means she doesn't need me anymore. That feeling makes me behave ouchie around her. i know it stumps my mother that my mood changes so radically, and i guess it may hurt Auntie Nurse's feelings. i know it makes me feel bad, and then i get angry and then i get even worse. And i don't know how to make those feelings go away. i know how to make them go away, i just don't want to yet. i seem to enjoy wallowing in the muck of my own making. if i can be compassionate toward others and let things they do, traits they have that bother me flow off my back like water from a shower, why can't i do this with my feelings for my sister and her spouse?

Ok, now i'm on a poor me, poor pitiful me party roll. Son called tonight and invited me over to watch the movie A Dangerous Mind (?) about the math guy who is a psychitz. i said i didn't think i would. It wasn't too late, before 6, but i didn't feel like going out, even to see my favorite son. Now i feel bad about that too. i said i would come over Tuesday night, since he doesn't have to work on Wednesday, but then too late i remembered i am taking Mother to Wisconsin. We probably won't be back early enough for me to go over there. i must go over on Wednesday. i can take him and the kids out for a little lunch.

i have definitely decided i am going to rent a car to drive to Chas. Mother got on me a bit about why it was so important that i go there since i'm having so much trouble with the transport end. i got a bit snippy with her, but didn't tell her the real reason. i want a vacation. i come home every year, the dutiful daughter, and take mother with me anyplace i go. This year she doesn't want to go. She's still recovering from the divorce. She is doing quite well, but she isn't ready to go out and spend money yet. i offered to take her to the spa Sis and i went to a couple of years ago for a little rest and relaxation, but she wasn't taking. i don't want to spend all of my summer vacation being chief cook and bottle washer and chauffeur to my mother. Besides that, Woowoo is the only other real time submissive i know face to face. i need to be around someone who knows where i'm at. Even if it is only a few days out of the year. i need it.

Anyway, i'm renting a car and driving myself to South Carolina. i have never taken a trip by myself, and it's about time i say. i will leave on August 1 and be back on August 8 or so. i am intentionally going to miss Auntie Nurse's birthday. So what? She doesn't need me. She has him. BAH!

Mother and i sent a coursage to Nattie for her birthday. We left instructions for the florist to call before delivering it, to be sure she is home. i want her to take the flowers from the delivery man. We said to make it like a princess coursage.

Friday night is the reunion get-together. i'll probably have another rant on Saturday. Oh good

We did our good deed for the week. One of the men who works with Master moved into our building today. We had them over for dinner tonight because their house isn't settled. It worked out fine. They were a bit late and then had to leave because someone called and wanted to see the new place. So they weren't here much more than 45 minutes.

That sort of sounds unfriendly or unkind but that's just the way i am. i like the couple but i do feel a bit uncomfortable. This is not a prejudice but she is Philippine. It seems most American men get hooked up with Philippine women. They come over here as maids and become quite acommodating to them. And suddenly all of a sudden by accident they are pregnant. And the stupid men who only think with their dicks do the 'proper' thing and marry them. Sometimes for real, sometimes in a muslim ceremony so they can live together. Of course this ceremony is not recognized as legal in any other country so
the poor girl often gets stuck when the guy leaves. But she has the one thing she really wanted which is an American child. That's an automatic admission to the U.S. and a green card. And that, folks, is what it's all about.

One mad who works with Master is on his third Philippina. One has taken him for over 100,000$ and on top of that, she was already married and still married when she married him. He put her in a house in the states and bought her a car. As soon as he came back here to work she sold the car, a small one, colt or something, for a bigger one, because an American 'wife' shouldn't have to drive such a small economy car. Then she has her Philippino husband come over and live in the house with her. Of course the American is such a sucker he can't kick her out until the kids, not even his, are through school. What bullshit. And that is just one, there about a gazillion other stories like that. i never ran into this kind of thing in Taiwan, but it is all the rage over here.

This is a prejudice. These men who marry foreigners have a particular mindset. They may not even know they are dominant, or realize it, but what they are looking for is a submissive, meek, mild, butter wouldn't melt in her mouth woman who will do whatever the Big Manly Macho man says. It is my opinion they are afraid of a woman from their own culture, American, because American women have asserted themselves in am overt way. Women in other cultures are more covert about it. I'm making a sweeping generalization here. These women are conniving, and duplicitous. They will do anything they need to. Everyone thinks Muslim women are so down trodden, bah! Muslim men are the biggest cowards around. They wouldn't say shit if they had a mouthful when it comes to their women. Why in the world anyone of them would want four wives, is beyond me.

Of course the women are shrews. They are naggers and mean and spiteful, simply because they feel they have to be in order to get what they want. It's a miserable circle. At least American women put it out there. And these men who marry outside their cultures can't deal with it.

How the heck did i get from dinner for neighbors to Muslim and Philippine women? Yea gods, and little fish hooks.

At any rate i am uncomfortable around these couples. And there are many many reasons.

Today we dried sea salt in the oven. We went for an early morning swim. Ate brunch on the balcony and began working on cleaning out the play room. Some day, we may have a dungeon. Some day.

i have decided that Master and i can be together for the rest of our lives and i will never understand how He thinks. Sometimes we can get to the same place and even almost at the same time, but never in the same direction. Sometimes, i just can't understan how He can't see how logical my way is, and how illogical HIS way is. Perhaps that is what makes us so good together. Who knows?

i'm beginning to feel more and more isolated from my family and i hate it. i hate the anger i am feeling toward my sister and her husband. i know it is jealousy. He is her best friend now, and i have to take second place. i know it, but i don't have to like it. These feelings are making it very difficult for me to get excited about going home in July.

i wouldn't except for my mother. i would hate to think the last time i saw her was last year.

All kinds of thoughts of meanness are running through my head all the time. Ways to make my sister as sad as i am feeling about losing what we had for so long. i don't believe i will be spending any time at her house. i suppose it's fortunate that Mother is only a couple of blocks away from her. She can come to Mother's if she wants to see me.

i keep trying to think of things to do with Mother this summer. i know she's had a bad last 8 months. i know she enjoyed the train trip to California last year. i'm thinking of taking her to Birdwing Spa in Minnesota. It is very relaxing, and she doesn't have to do anything she doesn't want. But there are all kinds of exercise classes and swimming and hiking and canoing if she would like. i've sent her an email with the website. We'll see what she says.

If she doesn't want to do that, then i'm pretty sure i'm going to rent a car and take a week and drive to S. Carolina. Spend a few days there and then drive back by way of a different route. i've never driven a long way on my own. Always had someone to ride shotgun for me. i think it will be an interesting trip. Staying by myself in a motel, eating in a restaurant alone, being in the car and not having anyone tell me to turn the radio up/down/off, the a/c is too high, not high enough. Just me. Yea, just me.

i didn't drink enough water this weekend. i've done the same thing again. My weight is up. Last night i told Master He'd better find a punishment tool, i felt this was going to happen. He said i could have until Sunday to get myself into the right place. He also said i am going to have to drink more water. In the week, i can get it in no problem. Water before i ride, after i ride, a half liter on the way to work. another half on the way home. A half liter before dinner and one again before bath. On the weekends, i don't have that liter in the car. i must get into the right mode. Damn it's hard. And it sucks. And i want this weight gone yesterday.

i'm gone.

Yesterday i learned one of my teachers wasn't going to get her contract renewed. All the rest of the day i struggled with trying to figure out how to tell her. i knew i was going to have to do things like this when i took on the admin position, but i guess i always thought i would be terminating someone i didn't like. But i like K. Drat. i decided i would tell her today, after class, face-to-face.

i talked to her before class and felt like a heel asking her if she had time to work on the revised curriculum for next year. She said yes, no problem, and went on to class. About 8:20 the phone rang and it was Abdulla, asking that i return the intent to renew for contracts as soon as possible, even if it meant going into the classroom and getting the signatures. K's was one of the people who needed to sign. Abdulla said she should go ahead and sign it, he would give it to the dean and see what happened from there.

i breathed a huge sigh of relief. The rest of the day wasn't so bad. About 12:30 Abdulla called again and said the dean had recommended K and the letter had been sent on to the vice-Rector and Rector. We just have to wait and see if it will slip throug.

i went into K's office and told her what the situation was. Abdulla said we should know in a short time....i am sure he meant Kuwait time....This wasn't as difficult to do as if i had had to tell her her contract wasn't renewed, but damn, the woman has gone through a truck load of trouble ever since D hired her and then left the country without waiting to see if the uni people would approve her. He never should have hired her in the first place. She doesn't have the required credential.

She has taken it all very well. i'm sure she goes home at night and beats her head against the wall. i know she doesn't kick the cats because she loves them too much, but gad, i would hate to live in her shoes.

Speaking of approved credentials:

Opened up the hiring email account today and the first letter i read was a horrid blast against me and the university. i realize it was just bitter grapes and one person's attempt to blow off steam. On the other hand, it sure hit me square in the pit of my stomach to read those kind of words directed at me. i have decided i won't lower myself to his level by responding directly to him, but just as a cathartic measure for myself........


Dear Sir:

Apparently you need to go back and study some of those remedial reading books you say you are so familiar with. Please go back and check the website for the advertisement you responded to. It clearly states that the university requires its English langauge instructors to be native speakers of English and have a Master's Degree in Applied Linguistics or TESOL. How can you mistake those to areas of study with history? What makes you think that just because some place hires you as a warm body for a conversation class that your degrees can come even close to being equivalent to the university's requirement? G0 Bakd and Read the Ad again you ass.

Draft 2

Dear Sir:

I showed your letter to the other members of my faculty. They agreed with me. They are very happy you don't have the appropriate credential. They all felt you were a horse's ass and would have hated having to work with you.

Draft 3

Dear Sir:

I am so happy you felt you could use me as a virtual punching bag. I hope you felt a catharsis and your blood pressure was lowered not only writing but also sending that vitriolic piece of drivel. If you think so little of our Bandaid Faculty of Nursing, why are you so upset that I am unable to hire you because you don't have the appropriate degrees? You sir, are an ass.

There, I feel relieved and I can tell you without a doubt, my blood pressure has gone down.

Master laughed when i showed Him the letter. i laughed too, every time i showed it to one of the teachers. But i still can't believe how it hit me when i first read it.

Oh well.....hell no oh well....this was not written by some young person who one might be willing to forgive because of bad parenting. This was written by a man older than i am. He should have known better. The stoopid ass.