i think i want to go home
Jul. 21st, 2002 11:40 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jdmkleinWhy is it that traits i adore/admire/love in Master are the very things i despise in my sister's husband? Is it because i am jealous that she has someone else besides me? i know i've put this same rant in my journal at some point, but this just has to come out again or it will strangle me with black feelings. i am not sure it is him exactly, but what he means to her. i know she meant it as a compliment when she said he was just like a sister to her. But i can't help feeling that means she doesn't need me anymore. That feeling makes me behave ouchie around her. i know it stumps my mother that my mood changes so radically, and i guess it may hurt Auntie Nurse's feelings. i know it makes me feel bad, and then i get angry and then i get even worse. And i don't know how to make those feelings go away. i know how to make them go away, i just don't want to yet. i seem to enjoy wallowing in the muck of my own making. if i can be compassionate toward others and let things they do, traits they have that bother me flow off my back like water from a shower, why can't i do this with my feelings for my sister and her spouse?
Ok, now i'm on a poor me, poor pitiful me party roll. Son called tonight and invited me over to watch the movie A Dangerous Mind (?) about the math guy who is a psychitz. i said i didn't think i would. It wasn't too late, before 6, but i didn't feel like going out, even to see my favorite son. Now i feel bad about that too. i said i would come over Tuesday night, since he doesn't have to work on Wednesday, but then too late i remembered i am taking Mother to Wisconsin. We probably won't be back early enough for me to go over there. i must go over on Wednesday. i can take him and the kids out for a little lunch.
i have definitely decided i am going to rent a car to drive to Chas. Mother got on me a bit about why it was so important that i go there since i'm having so much trouble with the transport end. i got a bit snippy with her, but didn't tell her the real reason. i want a vacation. i come home every year, the dutiful daughter, and take mother with me anyplace i go. This year she doesn't want to go. She's still recovering from the divorce. She is doing quite well, but she isn't ready to go out and spend money yet. i offered to take her to the spa Sis and i went to a couple of years ago for a little rest and relaxation, but she wasn't taking. i don't want to spend all of my summer vacation being chief cook and bottle washer and chauffeur to my mother. Besides that, Woowoo is the only other real time submissive i know face to face. i need to be around someone who knows where i'm at. Even if it is only a few days out of the year. i need it.
Anyway, i'm renting a car and driving myself to South Carolina. i have never taken a trip by myself, and it's about time i say. i will leave on August 1 and be back on August 8 or so. i am intentionally going to miss Auntie Nurse's birthday. So what? She doesn't need me. She has him. BAH!
Mother and i sent a coursage to Nattie for her birthday. We left instructions for the florist to call before delivering it, to be sure she is home. i want her to take the flowers from the delivery man. We said to make it like a princess coursage.
Friday night is the reunion get-together. i'll probably have another rant on Saturday. Oh good
Ok, now i'm on a poor me, poor pitiful me party roll. Son called tonight and invited me over to watch the movie A Dangerous Mind (?) about the math guy who is a psychitz. i said i didn't think i would. It wasn't too late, before 6, but i didn't feel like going out, even to see my favorite son. Now i feel bad about that too. i said i would come over Tuesday night, since he doesn't have to work on Wednesday, but then too late i remembered i am taking Mother to Wisconsin. We probably won't be back early enough for me to go over there. i must go over on Wednesday. i can take him and the kids out for a little lunch.
i have definitely decided i am going to rent a car to drive to Chas. Mother got on me a bit about why it was so important that i go there since i'm having so much trouble with the transport end. i got a bit snippy with her, but didn't tell her the real reason. i want a vacation. i come home every year, the dutiful daughter, and take mother with me anyplace i go. This year she doesn't want to go. She's still recovering from the divorce. She is doing quite well, but she isn't ready to go out and spend money yet. i offered to take her to the spa Sis and i went to a couple of years ago for a little rest and relaxation, but she wasn't taking. i don't want to spend all of my summer vacation being chief cook and bottle washer and chauffeur to my mother. Besides that, Woowoo is the only other real time submissive i know face to face. i need to be around someone who knows where i'm at. Even if it is only a few days out of the year. i need it.
Anyway, i'm renting a car and driving myself to South Carolina. i have never taken a trip by myself, and it's about time i say. i will leave on August 1 and be back on August 8 or so. i am intentionally going to miss Auntie Nurse's birthday. So what? She doesn't need me. She has him. BAH!
Mother and i sent a coursage to Nattie for her birthday. We left instructions for the florist to call before delivering it, to be sure she is home. i want her to take the flowers from the delivery man. We said to make it like a princess coursage.
Friday night is the reunion get-together. i'll probably have another rant on Saturday. Oh good
