Spit

i got a promise for next Thursday. And just to make me anticipate it even more, i have orders not to wear pants all week. No slacks to the office. And i will have all morning on Thursday before we take M to the airport. Anticipation, Anticipation, it's making me mad (crazy).

We played a little bit yesterday. Spanking with a metal edged ruler, the texas belt, i think and the black belt. And He spit in my mouth. Everytime i think of that i cringe. That must have been a really big thing for me, because i seldom remember what we do, but that i do. It came to me when He was in the bathtub. i had to go in and ask "did You?" and He said yes. and i asked WHY? and He said because He wanted to see how i would react. i guess i did well, but gak gak gak, everytime i think of it. i truly hope He doesn't make that one a habit.

He left bruises on my breasts. That hasn't happened in a long time. He complains that i can get marks from furniture, but not from Him. i love wearing His mark. Not many people i know would understand that. i explained to Him about accepting being owned. He seemed ok with that. i'm not sure, i think He may have been hoping for more. But i think He understands.

Our social calendar is filling up, ha ha ha. Monday night we are taking M to Al- Boom for dinner. It's the largest dhow in the world, and beautiful. She has never been there, so Master and two others and i are going to take her as a going away party.

Then next Tuesday we are going to see Little Shop of Horrors at the Kuwait Little Theater. And the first week in June is another party. Such a busy life. yea, right.

Master brought me a rootbeer float for desert tonight. Actually it was a root drink float because beer is ha'aram in Kuwait. How stupid.

i'm short tonight. i guess i can't have the muse on my shoulder every night to help me put my thoughts into words. And the iron is fixed and calling me.

on being owned

This morning Master asked me if i enjoyed being His slave and being owned. i don't think enjoy is the correct word to use. ive spent the rest of this day trying to figure out just how i feel.

These are the things i know are true about my relationship with Master:
i am more content than i have been ever in my life. When i was a child i was always restless. i had to be doing something all the time, and what i was doing was never what i wanted to be doing. Now i am completely content to spend the rest of my time with Master. i don't look at someplace else or something else and wonder what if.

i am more satisfied with myself. Most of my life i wanted to be something else. i was fairly popular in school, always had friends to talk to and mess around with. i had my share of dates in high school. The friends i had were not the ones i wanted to be friends with. The dates were the same way. i only went steady with two boys besides my husband because i was not satisfied with who/what they were. Master is everything i want. i look at other men, i know several men, there is no desire of any kind to become closer to them. i like men, and now the men i know i only want as friends. i have Master for everything else.

i feel safe. i am certain Master will be able to protect me from anything. i know this beyond and doubt. If there is a war in the part of the world, Master will see to it that i am safe from harm. If there is something edgy Master wants to try, i have no fear of being hurt. He knows me, and what i am capable of handling. He knows how to push any limits i still have and not frighten me. i know He will not let anything happen. On some lists i read, there are the 'what if' threads. i can't answer them because for me there is no what if.

Master provides the structure i need in my life. For a long time i felt i was flying aimlessly with no goal in my life. With Master i have the structure i need. i don't need guidance. That isn't what He provides. He keeps me from flying off the earth into space. The structure He provides for me, allows me to do what i can and not worry about what i can't. He has set my limits and i don't need to worry any more about it.

i know i have not completely surrendered to Him. i fight some of the restraints, both physical and emotional, that He puts on me. i know that i am like a child, testing to see just how far i can go. i am doing less and less of this now, because i know He wil always respond the way He says He will.

Because i haven't completely surrendered there is still some unrest in my life. Once i can totally give up control, i believe i will be able to enjoy being owned with abandon. i don't understand why i can't do it. i want to, but there is that part of me that is not yet willing to let go. And because of this, there are days when i am completely miserable.

Being owned is hard work. i don't enjoy hard work. Nobody i know enjoys hard work. i do enjoy the feeling i have when the work is done. There is a feeling of accomplishment. Of satisfaction in a job attempted and completed satisfactorily. i like the praise i get from Master when i have done something good, right, appropriately, whatever. i know i need to be owned. Being owned makes me feel alive. Just like i know i need to exercise because it makes me feel alive, too.

i don't enjoy being owned, but it is necessary for me. i don't enjoy wearing glasses but they are necessary for me. Wearing glasses makes me a better person, i'm not as likely to drive my car into a pedestrian or another car, because the glasses allow me to see clearly. Being owned also makes me a better person too. Because being owned keeps me square on the earth.

i don't enjoy being owned. i don't believe any sane person enjoys the idea of someone else being in charge of their life. i accept it. That's it. i accept being owned, just as i accept wearing glasses. That's it. For me, being owned is a fact of life. It is not good or bad, it just is.