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Nov. 26th, 2003 07:48 pmAs i laid in bed last night, it came to me that for Master, it is the hunt that is important. Now that i am caught, He believes, there is no need for Him to be so overtly dominant. He knows i know what is expected of me, and that i am obedient, therefore, He now believes that His life is complete.
For a long time i have been trying to get a grip on what has been ever so subtly bothering me. Since He isn't a sadist, treating my masochistic side is not an important thing for Him. We have been together long enough now that unless it is something new, there is no need for training, only my practice.
i am not sure how this makes me feel. There is a relief, a weight off my shoulders, knowing that there is nothing wrong, this is just the way it is going to be. He knows i will do what is needed and He knows that i will do anything He wants. i do not know if i am going to get all that i want. i am not sure i am happy about this, but i am relieved. i think it will make my life easier in the knowing, and might just help contain the ache i have sometimes felt.
He is a good man, and that is important to me. He takes good care of me, and makes me feel good, but for a long time i have felt there was an aspect missing. Maybe i need to think seriously about my needs. Do i need erotic physical pain as an integral part of my life? Do i need to be openly reminded of my submission to Him? He knows i am, He carries the symbol of my control in His wallet.
He has always told me, when i ask, that i am exactly what He wants, someone who knows her place and accepts it. Someone who makes no demands on His life, and makes Him comfortable in His world. This is what i am, and i wanted my life to be this way, but i am a bit down about this and i don't quite know why.
For a long time i have been trying to get a grip on what has been ever so subtly bothering me. Since He isn't a sadist, treating my masochistic side is not an important thing for Him. We have been together long enough now that unless it is something new, there is no need for training, only my practice.
i am not sure how this makes me feel. There is a relief, a weight off my shoulders, knowing that there is nothing wrong, this is just the way it is going to be. He knows i will do what is needed and He knows that i will do anything He wants. i do not know if i am going to get all that i want. i am not sure i am happy about this, but i am relieved. i think it will make my life easier in the knowing, and might just help contain the ache i have sometimes felt.
He is a good man, and that is important to me. He takes good care of me, and makes me feel good, but for a long time i have felt there was an aspect missing. Maybe i need to think seriously about my needs. Do i need erotic physical pain as an integral part of my life? Do i need to be openly reminded of my submission to Him? He knows i am, He carries the symbol of my control in His wallet.
He has always told me, when i ask, that i am exactly what He wants, someone who knows her place and accepts it. Someone who makes no demands on His life, and makes Him comfortable in His world. This is what i am, and i wanted my life to be this way, but i am a bit down about this and i don't quite know why.
