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this is a pity party and i don't care
Oct. 22nd, 2003 07:49 pmi want to learn to do something special. i want to learn to do it so hard, i found myself crying in the car on the way home today. i don't know what it is i want. i think about learning to play the violin, or maybe taking voice lessons, or painting class. Everyone in my family is very talented. My brother is musical, as are my mother and sister. My son is artistic and musical as well, and my daughter could have a world class musician but when she lost her sight, she also lost her vision. i have no special talent and there are times that i hurt because of it.
What do i want to do? That's the biggest problem. It may be that there are too many things i'd like to do and therefore am stymied about which to choose. i have a limited amount of time left in which to become proficient at whatever i attempt. Or it may be that there is nothing that stimulates my mind enough for me to expend the energy it would take to become accomplished at whatever it was i chose to do. i don't know.
Being a child of the summer of love was great at the time, but now i am still the hippy i was then, just in the clothes of a professional. Too often i repeat the anthem of the era, it don't mean a thing, and i continue on. It seems i have no passion in my life for life. i am content where i am, or i am in a rut that is easier to stay in that struggle to get out. i continue to move through my life. i don't struggle with it because it is easier not. And there is my problem. It is easier for me to be this me, than it would be to be the me i want to be. Convoluted yes, but i know what i mean.
i want to learn to do something special and learn to do it well. But i am not willing to put forth the effort to make the change. What is wrong with me? i must be one sick puppy, or so damned depressed i don't recognize it.
What do i want to do? That's the biggest problem. It may be that there are too many things i'd like to do and therefore am stymied about which to choose. i have a limited amount of time left in which to become proficient at whatever i attempt. Or it may be that there is nothing that stimulates my mind enough for me to expend the energy it would take to become accomplished at whatever it was i chose to do. i don't know.
Being a child of the summer of love was great at the time, but now i am still the hippy i was then, just in the clothes of a professional. Too often i repeat the anthem of the era, it don't mean a thing, and i continue on. It seems i have no passion in my life for life. i am content where i am, or i am in a rut that is easier to stay in that struggle to get out. i continue to move through my life. i don't struggle with it because it is easier not. And there is my problem. It is easier for me to be this me, than it would be to be the me i want to be. Convoluted yes, but i know what i mean.
i want to learn to do something special and learn to do it well. But i am not willing to put forth the effort to make the change. What is wrong with me? i must be one sick puppy, or so damned depressed i don't recognize it.
