(no subject)

Perhaps i don't know what love is, rather than believing that i cannot return Master's love for me. i do not know. i am going through some soul searching time. i have no idea where this will lead or what it means. But i do know it frightens me. i don't want my life to change. i think i am happy/at peace/content where i am now. There are many things i want that i do not get, and for the most part, my needs are met. Why is this happening to me now? Why couldn't it have happened last semester when the rest of my world was in the toilet? For the moment now, there is peace in my world. Why is this the time for my brain to start down this path? i seem to have this perverse need to have my life a turbulent place. Am i in the process of self destructing?

For a long time i have wanted to open my soul in my journal. Now that it seems i finally have the ability, i am afraid of what i might find. i don't want to do this any more, but i'm feeling compelled by some power stronger than my will to go down this path.

My thoughts are such a jumble, they don't make sense even to me. What is happening to me, what is going to happen? i am near tears as i write and i haven't even scratched the surface of my thoughts. what is going on?