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a chapter from the book of hell
Feb. 23rd, 2003 08:34 pmTensions are high. Tempers are short. C has been on my last nerve since the first day and today she got so far up my nose today i lost control and said something that while true, was poorly timed. She went running upstairs after accusing me of all sorts of things including showing favoritism. Which is patently false. i bend over backwards to be fair.
She trounced her hussy ass out of the meeting that we were trying to have but she wouldn't stay on task for and upstairs and now i have to go to someone she counts as ally and show just how put upon she is. She uses being a single mother as an excuse for everything from being late for work to not doing her work at all.
She most likely neglected to tell Abdulla that i defended her ass to the Dean. i kept her in a course she wanted and gave her the course she wanted this semester. i kept her as coordinator even though the Dean wanted her out. i have defended her to everyone but Abdulla and she has conveniently forgotten that important point.
i am debating whether i should apologize to her for using poor timing or not. i will not apologize for anything else i said, but that particular thing should not have been spoken at that time. Then i will go talk to Abdulla. i will not stoop to her level. i will lay the facts out as i have documented them. i have the VDAA, the VDSA and the Dean behind me on this. And if she continues to be such a shit i will do my best to get her out of the unit. i believe i have enough to make sure her contract doesn't get renewed.
And this is what i hate. i am an easy going laid back person. i have always only wanted the group to work well together. i never expected everyone to like me or be my friend, i have lost a friend because of my position, but i do expect my co-workers to be able to respect me. i agonize over every decision i make that concerns the teachers. i solicit their ideas and do my best to give them choices about what must be done in the unit. i have worked hard to not feed into the propoganda and insecurity in what is happening around us, and i have been accused of not giving them information. i cannot give what i do not have. i don't feel the need to tell them i don't know anything so don't ask. i have been accused of not having enough meetings to keep them informed. And when i call a meeting, i get complaints from these same people for taking up their time.
They talk about me behind my back, of that i am fairly certain. i am not paranoid, i just know the people i work with. i know how people grouse about the smallest thing. i can honestly say i don't talk about any of them behind their backs, i have no one i can talk to.
i have been accused of being naive. i am not, or maybe i am. Or it might just be that the things i am said to be naive about aren't important to me. Or i just don't have the kind of personality to even think those kinds of things. i have often thought i could be a criminal, i lean to the amoral side of life. The problem is with my amorality is that i don't have the deviousness of mind to think of criminal things to do.
i have been a lot tearful this week. i feel it coming on again. Perhaps the stress is becoming too much. i use my night's sleep as a barometer of stress. If i don't sleep well or have problems falling asleep i know my stress level is high. i've been sleeping well, no nightmares, no stupid songs running through my head, things like that.
i need to be a hermit. i wasn't meant to live with people.
She trounced her hussy ass out of the meeting that we were trying to have but she wouldn't stay on task for and upstairs and now i have to go to someone she counts as ally and show just how put upon she is. She uses being a single mother as an excuse for everything from being late for work to not doing her work at all.
She most likely neglected to tell Abdulla that i defended her ass to the Dean. i kept her in a course she wanted and gave her the course she wanted this semester. i kept her as coordinator even though the Dean wanted her out. i have defended her to everyone but Abdulla and she has conveniently forgotten that important point.
i am debating whether i should apologize to her for using poor timing or not. i will not apologize for anything else i said, but that particular thing should not have been spoken at that time. Then i will go talk to Abdulla. i will not stoop to her level. i will lay the facts out as i have documented them. i have the VDAA, the VDSA and the Dean behind me on this. And if she continues to be such a shit i will do my best to get her out of the unit. i believe i have enough to make sure her contract doesn't get renewed.
And this is what i hate. i am an easy going laid back person. i have always only wanted the group to work well together. i never expected everyone to like me or be my friend, i have lost a friend because of my position, but i do expect my co-workers to be able to respect me. i agonize over every decision i make that concerns the teachers. i solicit their ideas and do my best to give them choices about what must be done in the unit. i have worked hard to not feed into the propoganda and insecurity in what is happening around us, and i have been accused of not giving them information. i cannot give what i do not have. i don't feel the need to tell them i don't know anything so don't ask. i have been accused of not having enough meetings to keep them informed. And when i call a meeting, i get complaints from these same people for taking up their time.
They talk about me behind my back, of that i am fairly certain. i am not paranoid, i just know the people i work with. i know how people grouse about the smallest thing. i can honestly say i don't talk about any of them behind their backs, i have no one i can talk to.
i have been accused of being naive. i am not, or maybe i am. Or it might just be that the things i am said to be naive about aren't important to me. Or i just don't have the kind of personality to even think those kinds of things. i have often thought i could be a criminal, i lean to the amoral side of life. The problem is with my amorality is that i don't have the deviousness of mind to think of criminal things to do.
i have been a lot tearful this week. i feel it coming on again. Perhaps the stress is becoming too much. i use my night's sleep as a barometer of stress. If i don't sleep well or have problems falling asleep i know my stress level is high. i've been sleeping well, no nightmares, no stupid songs running through my head, things like that.
i need to be a hermit. i wasn't meant to live with people.
