![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Nov. 27th, 2002 09:12 pmi think i've posted once before to this list, i read it all, just don't post. i seldom have anything interesting to say, but this struck me.
i've been reading the thread on spending money. Master doesn't make me account for my money. He knows i don't need much. i don't like to have lots of things just to have them. i buy what i need when i need it. If i don't need it, i don't buy. i pay all my expenses. i pay for repairs to emerson (the car) i buy gas, pay for any medicines or medical bills i have. Anything that is about me, i pay for with my money.
Anything that is for us, comes out of the house money, and that Master takes care of. i seldom go shopping for food by myself. i can't remember the last time that happened. i can put whatever i want in the shopping cart, but when it comes time to check out, Master has the final say on what gets paid for and what gets put back on the shelf. He pays all the house bills, and has final say on any purchases we make for our life together.
i pay the rent on the apartment, my work contract gives me money for housing. He pays for everything else. If house money looks like it is going to run out before the month ends, sometimes we will both put in a few dinars extra to get through to the first, but that only happens about twice a year. Before He goes home each year for vacation, He makes sure all bills are paid and there is food, except for things like bread and milk, to last until He gets back. Then He gives me a few dinars extra, just in case.
i don't have to ask permission to spend any money, but i always do. It's just that i don't spend money on many things that are not for Him in one way or another.
julia
We went out to get a new microwave tonight. And i baptized it with popcorn. The whole reason microwaves were invented in my opinion. We got one with a special popcorn button. How cool.
i didn't go to the office today. Instead i spent the day on me. Because of the move, my hands looked like they had been through a war. i got a manicure. And a pedicure. i got my hair trimmed, and had a reflexology massage. Saturday is sheera day. In the message i posted to a group i read, i said i don't spend money on things i don't need. And the money i do spend is for Master. i got the manicure and pedicure for Master because He likes my hands and feet to be beautiful and sexy. i got my hair trimmed for the same reason, Him. The sheera is because He likes me hairless everyplace but my head. i admit i get some benefit from these things. The day at the salon was sort of like a calgon bath. It is ramadan and the shop was very quiet. Most Muslim women were home sleeping or preparing the meals to break the fast. That's a lie, they were telling their maids what to prepare to break the fast. There were no phone calls for me. No students stopped by to ask questions about their research papers. No teachers came in and complained or vented or just used up my air. The move has been stressful for me. Add to that all the stuff that has been going on at work, and i needed today so that Master has an emotionally healthy slave.
About my crying.
It has bothered my for quite a while now. i've tried to put it into some sort of perspective. i think i have it nailed, now if i can just get the words right.
For over 2/3 of my life i have had to be the strong person. In my marriage, if i didn't make the decisions they didn't get made. If i didn't pay the bills they didn't get paid. After the divorce, i had the responsibility of raising two children, one of whom had serious health problems that persist still. If i wasn't strong for them, there was no one else around who could be. i got them raised, and am proud to say i'd like them even if they weren't my own.
Once my son was gone i was alone. i lived in a foreign country. While i had plenty of people who cared for me, i had no one to take care of me. i took care of myself. i didn't mind, i liked being an only child finally. i enjoyed having only myself to be responsible for and to. If i didn't want to eat dinner at 6 p.m., i didn't. If i didn't want to eat a balanced meal at all, i didn't. i had no one to answer to but myself. If i got wishy washy or squeamish about some decision that had to be made, it was my own fault for the consequences. i liked that.
Now i am Master's. i have always maintained that being His is the most difficult thing i have ever done. He only asks one thing from me, and that is to give Him my control. After our first year together, i gave Him a gold coin with the arabic term for control inscribed on it. He keeps it in His wallet. i have given Him a symbol of my control, but i still fight it every day. i fight every day to keep from taking it back. i don't believe He has a good idea of how hard i must work to not wrest it back from His ownership.
i have spent several days recently trying to figure out why i cry. i think that is it. It is my way of releasing the frustration i fight to be submissive to Him. i want to handle things my way. i'm good at it. i have done it for many years without anyone's help. But now, i must obey what He says. And that is hard. And that is why i cry.
i am not unhappy with my life. i feel more at peace with myself than ever before. i don't know that i love Master in the same way that He says He loves me. i don't know if i'm capable of that kind of love. i do have very strong feelings for Him, but i don't know that it is love. i know i need to be with Him, or someone like Him. And that is why i cry.
How weird.
i've been reading the thread on spending money. Master doesn't make me account for my money. He knows i don't need much. i don't like to have lots of things just to have them. i buy what i need when i need it. If i don't need it, i don't buy. i pay all my expenses. i pay for repairs to emerson (the car) i buy gas, pay for any medicines or medical bills i have. Anything that is about me, i pay for with my money.
Anything that is for us, comes out of the house money, and that Master takes care of. i seldom go shopping for food by myself. i can't remember the last time that happened. i can put whatever i want in the shopping cart, but when it comes time to check out, Master has the final say on what gets paid for and what gets put back on the shelf. He pays all the house bills, and has final say on any purchases we make for our life together.
i pay the rent on the apartment, my work contract gives me money for housing. He pays for everything else. If house money looks like it is going to run out before the month ends, sometimes we will both put in a few dinars extra to get through to the first, but that only happens about twice a year. Before He goes home each year for vacation, He makes sure all bills are paid and there is food, except for things like bread and milk, to last until He gets back. Then He gives me a few dinars extra, just in case.
i don't have to ask permission to spend any money, but i always do. It's just that i don't spend money on many things that are not for Him in one way or another.
julia
We went out to get a new microwave tonight. And i baptized it with popcorn. The whole reason microwaves were invented in my opinion. We got one with a special popcorn button. How cool.
i didn't go to the office today. Instead i spent the day on me. Because of the move, my hands looked like they had been through a war. i got a manicure. And a pedicure. i got my hair trimmed, and had a reflexology massage. Saturday is sheera day. In the message i posted to a group i read, i said i don't spend money on things i don't need. And the money i do spend is for Master. i got the manicure and pedicure for Master because He likes my hands and feet to be beautiful and sexy. i got my hair trimmed for the same reason, Him. The sheera is because He likes me hairless everyplace but my head. i admit i get some benefit from these things. The day at the salon was sort of like a calgon bath. It is ramadan and the shop was very quiet. Most Muslim women were home sleeping or preparing the meals to break the fast. That's a lie, they were telling their maids what to prepare to break the fast. There were no phone calls for me. No students stopped by to ask questions about their research papers. No teachers came in and complained or vented or just used up my air. The move has been stressful for me. Add to that all the stuff that has been going on at work, and i needed today so that Master has an emotionally healthy slave.
About my crying.
It has bothered my for quite a while now. i've tried to put it into some sort of perspective. i think i have it nailed, now if i can just get the words right.
For over 2/3 of my life i have had to be the strong person. In my marriage, if i didn't make the decisions they didn't get made. If i didn't pay the bills they didn't get paid. After the divorce, i had the responsibility of raising two children, one of whom had serious health problems that persist still. If i wasn't strong for them, there was no one else around who could be. i got them raised, and am proud to say i'd like them even if they weren't my own.
Once my son was gone i was alone. i lived in a foreign country. While i had plenty of people who cared for me, i had no one to take care of me. i took care of myself. i didn't mind, i liked being an only child finally. i enjoyed having only myself to be responsible for and to. If i didn't want to eat dinner at 6 p.m., i didn't. If i didn't want to eat a balanced meal at all, i didn't. i had no one to answer to but myself. If i got wishy washy or squeamish about some decision that had to be made, it was my own fault for the consequences. i liked that.
Now i am Master's. i have always maintained that being His is the most difficult thing i have ever done. He only asks one thing from me, and that is to give Him my control. After our first year together, i gave Him a gold coin with the arabic term for control inscribed on it. He keeps it in His wallet. i have given Him a symbol of my control, but i still fight it every day. i fight every day to keep from taking it back. i don't believe He has a good idea of how hard i must work to not wrest it back from His ownership.
i have spent several days recently trying to figure out why i cry. i think that is it. It is my way of releasing the frustration i fight to be submissive to Him. i want to handle things my way. i'm good at it. i have done it for many years without anyone's help. But now, i must obey what He says. And that is hard. And that is why i cry.
i am not unhappy with my life. i feel more at peace with myself than ever before. i don't know that i love Master in the same way that He says He loves me. i don't know if i'm capable of that kind of love. i do have very strong feelings for Him, but i don't know that it is love. i know i need to be with Him, or someone like Him. And that is why i cry.
How weird.
