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Nov. 18th, 2002 06:54 pmThis move is getting to me. i feel so totally out of control. it seems i can't talk to Master without saying things that sound as if i'm bitching or picking on Him. We have differnt ideas about how things are done. i want the move to be done. i've always said that this is the most difficult relationship i have ever been a part of. i fight against my submission to Him on a daily basis. When we talk, i've told Him i really do want this. If it wasn't what i wanted or needed to make me whole/happy, i would not be here. i have left relationships that were a lot easier than this that were much less difficult. i don't know why i stay, why i put myself through this hard work. It seems odd to say that something this difficult has made me the happiest i have been in many years.
i think of Hush's cs and how she can't tell her master she love's him. i'm not sure i love Master, i'm not sure i know what love is, or how it feels. i'm certainly not sure i've ever even been in love. i do know tht for some masochistic reason i need to stay with Him. i do have very strong feelings for Him. He is an important part of my life. i know we will survive this move, i know it. It's just that right now i'm not seeing it.
Tonight, tomorrow morning actually, we are going out to watch the leionide meteor shower. i'm waiting to talk to Daughter and after we are finished i'm going to take a bath and go to bed. This is not all that unusual, because i ride with the dog, i'm usually in bed by 9 or 9:30. Tonight i'm shooting for 8:30 at the latest. Then at the bright and early hour of 2 we are going to make a pot of coffee, get some doughnuts and make a desert run. We have already packed the car. Master put in a big plastic tarp that we will put on our lounges and two thick fleece blankets that we will sit on and cover with. i've just remembered i have a sheepskin. i think i'll take that along too. i've dug out my insulated long johns and undershirt and found my silk socks and the wool ones to go over them. i've dusted off my hiking boots, and found my wool mittens. Master says i'm going to be overdressed by about 2 tons, but i know what it's like to be chilled-to-the-bone cold. i don't plan to be that tomorrow morning. i can always take a layer off, but if i don't have it, i can't put it on. i need to find my hat to keep my head and ears warm. i know Master will eventually go dig out His warm weather gear, but right now He's busy doing something else.
i'm excited about this desert trip. i've seen the perseides in Taiwan. A friend of mine and i went into the mountains and sat on the hood of my car and drank beers all night long. But that was not anything as spectacular as what is supposed to happen tomorrow morning. i don't know if i'll be able to sleep tonight. i've been debating whether to take one of 'mother's little helper's' tonight. i know if i sleep well, i'll wake up fine at 2. The other side of the coin is that i'll be up from 2:00 on. We'll get back about 5 or so, but that won't be enough time to go back to bed. So i expect i'll just take another HOT HOT bath to get the circulation flowing again, eat a little breakfast and go to work. Tomorrow, for sure, i'll be napping by 15 minutes after i get home from work. i've got my ironing done for tomorrow, and know i won't be having a fashion crisis at the last moment. i'm good to go.
i think of Hush's cs and how she can't tell her master she love's him. i'm not sure i love Master, i'm not sure i know what love is, or how it feels. i'm certainly not sure i've ever even been in love. i do know tht for some masochistic reason i need to stay with Him. i do have very strong feelings for Him. He is an important part of my life. i know we will survive this move, i know it. It's just that right now i'm not seeing it.
Tonight, tomorrow morning actually, we are going out to watch the leionide meteor shower. i'm waiting to talk to Daughter and after we are finished i'm going to take a bath and go to bed. This is not all that unusual, because i ride with the dog, i'm usually in bed by 9 or 9:30. Tonight i'm shooting for 8:30 at the latest. Then at the bright and early hour of 2 we are going to make a pot of coffee, get some doughnuts and make a desert run. We have already packed the car. Master put in a big plastic tarp that we will put on our lounges and two thick fleece blankets that we will sit on and cover with. i've just remembered i have a sheepskin. i think i'll take that along too. i've dug out my insulated long johns and undershirt and found my silk socks and the wool ones to go over them. i've dusted off my hiking boots, and found my wool mittens. Master says i'm going to be overdressed by about 2 tons, but i know what it's like to be chilled-to-the-bone cold. i don't plan to be that tomorrow morning. i can always take a layer off, but if i don't have it, i can't put it on. i need to find my hat to keep my head and ears warm. i know Master will eventually go dig out His warm weather gear, but right now He's busy doing something else.
i'm excited about this desert trip. i've seen the perseides in Taiwan. A friend of mine and i went into the mountains and sat on the hood of my car and drank beers all night long. But that was not anything as spectacular as what is supposed to happen tomorrow morning. i don't know if i'll be able to sleep tonight. i've been debating whether to take one of 'mother's little helper's' tonight. i know if i sleep well, i'll wake up fine at 2. The other side of the coin is that i'll be up from 2:00 on. We'll get back about 5 or so, but that won't be enough time to go back to bed. So i expect i'll just take another HOT HOT bath to get the circulation flowing again, eat a little breakfast and go to work. Tomorrow, for sure, i'll be napping by 15 minutes after i get home from work. i've got my ironing done for tomorrow, and know i won't be having a fashion crisis at the last moment. i'm good to go.
