(no subject)

Last night we went out for a social evening. It was one of the most painful things i've had to do since i've been here. i'm shy when it comes to meeting new people. The older i get, the more difficult it becomes. i know i'm safe with Master, and these were mostly people he knew and liked, but i only knew the host and hostess. All of the people were much much younger than us, there was one couple who'd been married 22 years and a man alone who looked to be late 40s early 50s. Most all the rest were in teh 30 something group, but there were some who could have been early 20s even. They were American military.

It's hard for me to explain to Master just how meeting new people makes me feel. i want to cry, my stomach is in knots, my heart races, i suppose it may be like an anxiety attack. We were late leaving the apartment, and Master was waiting for me at the door. He asked me if i was going to wear my hair 'like that' and that was all it took to set me off. He got upset and said He knew it hadn't been a good idea for us to make the committment, but by then it was too late to do anything about it. i went back to my dressing room to try to do something else with my hair.

i asked Master to call and tell the people we'd be late, and about that time the host called and asked to borrow a table and some chairs. He came over while i was in the kitchen getting the salad ready and said hello. i snapped back at him to leave me alone. That set the tone for the evening. Now i had two men apologetic to me, and they had done nothing.

The problem with all of this is, that i know when i get to whatever knew place i will have a good time. i just have such a problem getting myself to go. i don't know what it is or what happened, if anything, when i was young to make me have these feelings. i do know that my mother is somewhat the same way. She is uncomfortable in crowds, but she can make herself go alone to a new place. i can't. i won't. i am supposed to go to the embassy on Tuesday for a Wardens' meeting. This will be my first one. i volunteered for the job, but when i did, i didn't realize i would have meetings to attend. When i got the notice of the meeting, there was also information about how to make arrrangements if you couldn't attend. Intentionally i threw the paper away because i knew if i didn't, i would find an excuse not to go. Now i wish i had kept the paper. i hate this.

(no subject)

After the feelings of fear of last night, today i should have been able to handle today, but again it was difficult. Master nearly has the cross done. It is done enough to have a practice run on. i couldn't help the feelings of fear. This is a new level again. i want it. i have imagined being so completely restrained that the only thing i can move is my eyelid. And when it is complete that is exactly will happen. But today i was a bundle of nerves and tears. The cross needs a bit more adjustment to fit me, and that will probably be done in the next few weeks. So instead of whips and chains on the cross, it was clamps and crops on the bed. And then, after He got me breathing normally again, He let me rest.

i needed today. We haven't played since i got back. He was letting me readjust slowly. A bad idea, i think, but He knows best, despite what other things i'd written about Him here. i feel well-oiled. Nothing creaks or squeaks or ratchets now. He left small marks, i don't think He intended to, but they are there. Tonight i'll ask what He used. In the back of my mind there was a particularly painful tool used on my ass. i want to know if it was my imagination or if i'm just out of shape regarding main management, or if it was something new and deadly.

The thought of the cross excites me to wetness and scares me to tears. Is that a paradox or what?

i made my new food dish today. When i was in Chas, we went for traditional barbeque and i discovered hoppin' john. Delicious. Along with, was cornbread and peach cobbler. Not bad for a 'sunday' dinner. i'm a happy camper.