i have a headache
May. 26th, 2002 08:09 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jdmkleinand i can't not go to work tomorrow. This sucks.
we interrupt our nightly program with a rerun from the old journal:
January 9, 2000
The first official entry in this journal.
How close am I to surrender? Have just spent the day reading from the links sent by Claudia. The last article I read was one on surrender. This is going to be more difficult than I thought.
You say I'm very submissive. Do You think I'm a born submissive? A natural submissive?
The more I read about this lifestyle, the more I think I am. I'm not saying it's been all easy for me to come into this way of living. Lord knows the problems there were when we moved. I'd lived alone a long time, had no one to worry about but myself. Suddenly sharing my life with someone was frightening to say the least. I'd like to think I've adjusted well, I know there are still things to be worked on. Not just the submissive part, but also the living together part. Not even two sides of the same coin, I think, although related to each other.
I've been sitting here trying to put into words what this all means to me. I like doing for Master. I like to bathe Him, shave Him, loving things. Don't think they are demeaning in any way. He trusts me enough to let me use a razor on Him, knowing what a klutz I can be. I love to touch Him. Pure and simple. If I can do that by bathing Him then let me at it. What I don't like is when I have to stop what I am doing to do something for Him, when He is capable of doing it Himself. Like getting a coke for Him when He's playing on the 'puter. Don't think being a coke deliverer is demeaning either guess it's a test of my submission.
I've said all of this before I thinkit isn't just the sex I'm excited that Master likes to spend time with me. Likes me to go with Him, even if it's just to the Sultan Center for milk, or down the road for a dinar chicken. We talk to each other. Sometimes it seems like I listen more than talk, and sometimes I am not really excited about the topic, but we communicate and that's important to me. My last relationship was filled with silence very loud silence.
This is a page filled with rambling, very incoherent, not much sense.
I do solemnly swear that tomorrow's writing session will be better.
Later
Finally I think I have the question I have been searching for the answer to. Do we belong to the D/s group or am I a masochist? Are we bondage/discipline/sado/masochist? My worry is that I am truly a pain slut. Am I what I am because I need the pain in my life or do I do what I do, allow You to do what You do to me, because I am submissive. Hmmm, a sentence filled with a tangle of ideas.
This is what I am really curious about myself. Why am I the way I am? Do I want/need a male in my life so badly that I allow Master to do those things to me? Do I manipulate Master so that He gives me the pain I am worried about needing? Am I using Him or is He using me or are we both benefiting from this relationship? Are my feelings for Him love? It's been so long I'm not sure I even know. It certainly isn't like anything I've ever felt before about anyone. Do I need Master? Does He need me? The more I write the more questions I have. This is getting scary. Makes me nervous. Makes me cry. What if I ask so many questions and find the answers to them that are not what I expect? What happens to me? Where do I go, what do I do next? Perhaps this wasn't such a good idea after all. It's going to be a long time before Master can read this. What if I don't like the answers I find? Worse, what if I don't find answers.
we interrupt our nightly program with a rerun from the old journal:
January 9, 2000
The first official entry in this journal.
How close am I to surrender? Have just spent the day reading from the links sent by Claudia. The last article I read was one on surrender. This is going to be more difficult than I thought.
You say I'm very submissive. Do You think I'm a born submissive? A natural submissive?
The more I read about this lifestyle, the more I think I am. I'm not saying it's been all easy for me to come into this way of living. Lord knows the problems there were when we moved. I'd lived alone a long time, had no one to worry about but myself. Suddenly sharing my life with someone was frightening to say the least. I'd like to think I've adjusted well, I know there are still things to be worked on. Not just the submissive part, but also the living together part. Not even two sides of the same coin, I think, although related to each other.
I've been sitting here trying to put into words what this all means to me. I like doing for Master. I like to bathe Him, shave Him, loving things. Don't think they are demeaning in any way. He trusts me enough to let me use a razor on Him, knowing what a klutz I can be. I love to touch Him. Pure and simple. If I can do that by bathing Him then let me at it. What I don't like is when I have to stop what I am doing to do something for Him, when He is capable of doing it Himself. Like getting a coke for Him when He's playing on the 'puter. Don't think being a coke deliverer is demeaning either guess it's a test of my submission.
I've said all of this before I thinkit isn't just the sex I'm excited that Master likes to spend time with me. Likes me to go with Him, even if it's just to the Sultan Center for milk, or down the road for a dinar chicken. We talk to each other. Sometimes it seems like I listen more than talk, and sometimes I am not really excited about the topic, but we communicate and that's important to me. My last relationship was filled with silence very loud silence.
This is a page filled with rambling, very incoherent, not much sense.
I do solemnly swear that tomorrow's writing session will be better.
Later
Finally I think I have the question I have been searching for the answer to. Do we belong to the D/s group or am I a masochist? Are we bondage/discipline/sado/masochist? My worry is that I am truly a pain slut. Am I what I am because I need the pain in my life or do I do what I do, allow You to do what You do to me, because I am submissive. Hmmm, a sentence filled with a tangle of ideas.
This is what I am really curious about myself. Why am I the way I am? Do I want/need a male in my life so badly that I allow Master to do those things to me? Do I manipulate Master so that He gives me the pain I am worried about needing? Am I using Him or is He using me or are we both benefiting from this relationship? Are my feelings for Him love? It's been so long I'm not sure I even know. It certainly isn't like anything I've ever felt before about anyone. Do I need Master? Does He need me? The more I write the more questions I have. This is getting scary. Makes me nervous. Makes me cry. What if I ask so many questions and find the answers to them that are not what I expect? What happens to me? Where do I go, what do I do next? Perhaps this wasn't such a good idea after all. It's going to be a long time before Master can read this. What if I don't like the answers I find? Worse, what if I don't find answers.
