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jdmkleini have another New Year's Resolution, this is number 3 and it is my last for this year. This may be the most difficult to keep. Last night i went back to the archives of my journal. i don't like what my journal has become. The first entries were loving and giving, and full of hope and the good life. Now it seems all i do is rant about work or some piddly little thing that isn't quite perfect with Master. As i said to LMSG this evening, if all i can do is bitch, there must be something desparately wrong in my life.
i need to change. Something. i am happy with my life. The other day i thought to myself being here is better than not being here. There is more than that. i don't believe i stay because i can't be without again. i stay because i find a completeness to my life that i have not had before.
We have our rough spots. Honestly, more good than bad. Sometimes i get lost because some of the rough spots come in bunches, with little bits of sunshine in between, or no sunshine, just less gray.
i thought about this past year. i'm not complaining, or making excuses, or maybe i am, but it was one helluva year from the gitgo. From the very beginning of January 2003, there was the threat of the war in Iraq. i was dealing with pressure from my family, not only my mother but my children as well to get out of here. i owe this country nothing, some days i don't even much like it, but i never felt unsafe here and saw no reason to leave. Then there was the war. More pressure from family, stress from work, stress because Master was stressed, stress because silkworm missiles were exploding close enough to my home to cause windows to break. Sirens going off all during the day and night, worrying about WMDs and biological terrorism. And i stayed, i didn't feel unsafe here, the Kuwaitis never made me afraid. It was more fear of what could come from Iraq.
i stayed here longer than any other summer so i could teach summer school. Mother fussed about that. She wanted me home. i went home in the summer to the whole new situation of my mother and my daughter sharing a home and a life together. There were some down times with Mother. i learned many things from her, not all of them pretty and many about her feelings about me. Daughter struggled to be with someone who saw her as 'handicapped' and wanted to treat her as a child. That put stress on me. By the beginning of February i was eating antacids like candy, by summer i was going through a bottle a month.
When i came back things had settled down some but by then i was so used to using the journal to vent and rant the habit stuck and i didn't even realize it.
Now i have much less stress at work. The situation in my part of the Middle East is easing up some. It's time to get back on track with my life. It's time to look at it through different eyes. i am no longer eating antacids. Of the six bottles i brought back at the end of summer, not one has been opened. i need to put the good in my life in my journal, and quit harping on the bad. New Year's resolution #3, put the past in the past and get on with what is good with the future. And let it be reflected in my writing.
i need to change. Something. i am happy with my life. The other day i thought to myself being here is better than not being here. There is more than that. i don't believe i stay because i can't be without again. i stay because i find a completeness to my life that i have not had before.
We have our rough spots. Honestly, more good than bad. Sometimes i get lost because some of the rough spots come in bunches, with little bits of sunshine in between, or no sunshine, just less gray.
i thought about this past year. i'm not complaining, or making excuses, or maybe i am, but it was one helluva year from the gitgo. From the very beginning of January 2003, there was the threat of the war in Iraq. i was dealing with pressure from my family, not only my mother but my children as well to get out of here. i owe this country nothing, some days i don't even much like it, but i never felt unsafe here and saw no reason to leave. Then there was the war. More pressure from family, stress from work, stress because Master was stressed, stress because silkworm missiles were exploding close enough to my home to cause windows to break. Sirens going off all during the day and night, worrying about WMDs and biological terrorism. And i stayed, i didn't feel unsafe here, the Kuwaitis never made me afraid. It was more fear of what could come from Iraq.
i stayed here longer than any other summer so i could teach summer school. Mother fussed about that. She wanted me home. i went home in the summer to the whole new situation of my mother and my daughter sharing a home and a life together. There were some down times with Mother. i learned many things from her, not all of them pretty and many about her feelings about me. Daughter struggled to be with someone who saw her as 'handicapped' and wanted to treat her as a child. That put stress on me. By the beginning of February i was eating antacids like candy, by summer i was going through a bottle a month.
When i came back things had settled down some but by then i was so used to using the journal to vent and rant the habit stuck and i didn't even realize it.
Now i have much less stress at work. The situation in my part of the Middle East is easing up some. It's time to get back on track with my life. It's time to look at it through different eyes. i am no longer eating antacids. Of the six bottles i brought back at the end of summer, not one has been opened. i need to put the good in my life in my journal, and quit harping on the bad. New Year's resolution #3, put the past in the past and get on with what is good with the future. And let it be reflected in my writing.
