stream of consciousness
May. 14th, 2002 08:17 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jdmkleini am in need of some extreme play. But i don't want to ask for it. i need it to be His idea. i am suffering here, and i don't think He is seeing it. i need to be bound, and blindfolded and gagged and given extreme pain. i need to be made to do humiliating things in front of Him. This is not a want, or a desire, this is a bona fide need. i feel i am coming apart at the seams. And for once, i can't let Him know.
Is this some kind of test i am giving Him? Why can't i let Him know how i am feeling?
i have known from the gitgo that He isn't a sadist. Inflicting pain is not a necessary part of His dominance of me. He does it because He knows i enjoy (what a crazy thing to say) it. In the recent days i have begun to wonder if He is becoming complacent about our life together.
He says i'm excellent. i'm still very much the submissive person He wants me to be. If anything, i've become more overt in my submission to Him. Sometimes it slips out in public. He is proud of me, i know this, He shows it in so many ways. i don't want to be high maintenance, but i would like some. i would like a hard and heavy day full of emotional and physical anguish. i don't know when i will get it and it is making me nervous.
If i have to ask for it, then it just doesn't seem to be the right thing. i want Him to want to do this to me, for me. It is a conundrum. How do i get what i want without asking Him for it? i wonder. Perhaps i will learn how often He reads my journal.
i don't remember when the last training day was. They are supposed to be every other Thursday, but it has been a long dry spell. This is not a rant. This is a stream of consciousness piece. i am writing what is on my mind. As someone said on the list, blood and sweat and snot are on my mind. and i don't know what to do about it.
Is this some kind of test i am giving Him? Why can't i let Him know how i am feeling?
i have known from the gitgo that He isn't a sadist. Inflicting pain is not a necessary part of His dominance of me. He does it because He knows i enjoy (what a crazy thing to say) it. In the recent days i have begun to wonder if He is becoming complacent about our life together.
He says i'm excellent. i'm still very much the submissive person He wants me to be. If anything, i've become more overt in my submission to Him. Sometimes it slips out in public. He is proud of me, i know this, He shows it in so many ways. i don't want to be high maintenance, but i would like some. i would like a hard and heavy day full of emotional and physical anguish. i don't know when i will get it and it is making me nervous.
If i have to ask for it, then it just doesn't seem to be the right thing. i want Him to want to do this to me, for me. It is a conundrum. How do i get what i want without asking Him for it? i wonder. Perhaps i will learn how often He reads my journal.
i don't remember when the last training day was. They are supposed to be every other Thursday, but it has been a long dry spell. This is not a rant. This is a stream of consciousness piece. i am writing what is on my mind. As someone said on the list, blood and sweat and snot are on my mind. and i don't know what to do about it.
