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Jun. 1st, 2024 01:23 pmHello Patrick,
I am writing to you today to try to end this gulf between us. I want to apologize for anything I may have said or done to hurt you and Megan.
I realize the mistake I made at Thanksgiving last year hurt you. I would like to explain. Since I have retired, I have become a recluse. I seldom go out anymore unless it is to see Sarah or other essential appointments. I should have explained to you at the time, my reason for not coming. I get anxious when I am around large groups of people I don’t know. It is difficult for me to make conversation with strangers. I was also concerned for Sarah, being in a place that is unfamiliar, the new remodeling and steps are not a good thing for either Sarah or me. I can get down them, but am not able to get up them. I believed that several of your other guests would be spending time down there smoking. I know that both Megan’s parents are smokers as well as Megan and you. I know you were proud ad happy to show off your ‘new’ place and I am truly sorry that I hurt you.
There are other things I would like to discuss with you. I know that having you go to Taiwan with me made a big change in your life. But I asked you to stay with me for two years. After that we would come home. Very close to the end of that 2-year period we went out to dinner together. I asked you then if you wanted to go home. Without hesitation you said you wanted to stay in Taiwan and graduate there. So we did. You even stayed a year longer, after you graduated, to work at Morrison to earn some money for school. I believed you enjoyed your time in Taiwan after you got over the culture shock.
I don’t know how you can say I missed 30 years of family holidays like Christmas and Thanksgiving. I was not out of the country for even 20 years and once I made arrangements at Tunghai to be able to come home. Where do you remember I was those other ten years?
You said that the only time I call you is when I need something fixed here at the apartment. I apologize if I made you think I only needed you as a handyman. When I came home in ’08 I did not want to become a nosy, interfering mother. I tried to stay out of your life. I would be happy to call you every day to see what is going on in your life.
You said that I talk to Sarah every day. That is right. She is deteriorating and needs to have family contact. I am the only member of the family she gets calls from. I am the only one who visits her. She can no longer leave her room without a staff person to walk with her. Her seizures are coming more often and she is having more falls. It hurts me to see these things happening to her. She may soon have to be in a wheel chair. She isn’t supposed to go to the toilet, which is a part of the room, without help. I talk to her every day, because no other family member does.
I made the statement that I would love Megan because you love her. That is all I meant. No mother thinks there is a woman good enough for her son. Maybe that is what prompted the words. I apologize if that hurt you or her.
There were other words between us, mostly in the form of texts, that caused pain in both our hearts. I was crushed when I discovered you had blocked me from your Facebook account. I felt there was some connection when I could see your posts. I miss you, Patrick. You are my son and I am so very proud of the man you are. Please forgive me. I am so sorry I hurt you. I truly am. Can you find it in your heart to forgive me? I will be saddened if we can’t return to our old relationship, but if we can have some contact my heart would be lighter.
I am writing to you today to try to end this gulf between us. I want to apologize for anything I may have said or done to hurt you and Megan.
I realize the mistake I made at Thanksgiving last year hurt you. I would like to explain. Since I have retired, I have become a recluse. I seldom go out anymore unless it is to see Sarah or other essential appointments. I should have explained to you at the time, my reason for not coming. I get anxious when I am around large groups of people I don’t know. It is difficult for me to make conversation with strangers. I was also concerned for Sarah, being in a place that is unfamiliar, the new remodeling and steps are not a good thing for either Sarah or me. I can get down them, but am not able to get up them. I believed that several of your other guests would be spending time down there smoking. I know that both Megan’s parents are smokers as well as Megan and you. I know you were proud ad happy to show off your ‘new’ place and I am truly sorry that I hurt you.
There are other things I would like to discuss with you. I know that having you go to Taiwan with me made a big change in your life. But I asked you to stay with me for two years. After that we would come home. Very close to the end of that 2-year period we went out to dinner together. I asked you then if you wanted to go home. Without hesitation you said you wanted to stay in Taiwan and graduate there. So we did. You even stayed a year longer, after you graduated, to work at Morrison to earn some money for school. I believed you enjoyed your time in Taiwan after you got over the culture shock.
I don’t know how you can say I missed 30 years of family holidays like Christmas and Thanksgiving. I was not out of the country for even 20 years and once I made arrangements at Tunghai to be able to come home. Where do you remember I was those other ten years?
You said that the only time I call you is when I need something fixed here at the apartment. I apologize if I made you think I only needed you as a handyman. When I came home in ’08 I did not want to become a nosy, interfering mother. I tried to stay out of your life. I would be happy to call you every day to see what is going on in your life.
You said that I talk to Sarah every day. That is right. She is deteriorating and needs to have family contact. I am the only member of the family she gets calls from. I am the only one who visits her. She can no longer leave her room without a staff person to walk with her. Her seizures are coming more often and she is having more falls. It hurts me to see these things happening to her. She may soon have to be in a wheel chair. She isn’t supposed to go to the toilet, which is a part of the room, without help. I talk to her every day, because no other family member does.
I made the statement that I would love Megan because you love her. That is all I meant. No mother thinks there is a woman good enough for her son. Maybe that is what prompted the words. I apologize if that hurt you or her.
There were other words between us, mostly in the form of texts, that caused pain in both our hearts. I was crushed when I discovered you had blocked me from your Facebook account. I felt there was some connection when I could see your posts. I miss you, Patrick. You are my son and I am so very proud of the man you are. Please forgive me. I am so sorry I hurt you. I truly am. Can you find it in your heart to forgive me? I will be saddened if we can’t return to our old relationship, but if we can have some contact my heart would be lighter.
I have become so forgetful lately. At least 3 times in the past week I have slept the night in my chair. It is not that I have taken a 'nap' while watching TV and then woken up 2 or 3 hours later. This is turning off the television, walking to the bathroom to do the nightly routine, walked passed my bedroom door sitting down in my chair, and sleeping through the night until my usual wake-up time. Why do I do this?
Last night I went to the bathroom to change the pee pad in my pants. I keep the pads in a drawer right next to the toilet. I do this several times during the day. Last night I forgot to put a dry pee pad in my pants. Later, I had to use the toilet again, but I waited too long. I wasn't too concerned, that's what pee pads are for. But before I got to the toilet I had pee'd down the hall and onto the bathroom floor. I was alone, but I was so embarrassed I cried. Why did I forget to put a clean pad in my panties?
For dinner, I baked some rolls this afternoon. I pre-heat to the correct baking temp. I got the baking sheet ready and put the rolls on with no problem. I set the timer and left the kitchen. When the timer went off I took the rolls out of the oven. I couldn't remember how to turn it off. It didn't work when I tried what I thought was the right way. I walked away from the oven and decided if it hadn't shut off by 3:30 I would have to call Eileen and ask her to come over to see what she could do to get the darned thing off. I went back about 90 minutes later to check. I tried one last time, I would have been embarrassed to have to explain to her that forgot how to shut off the oven, hit what I thought was the off button and it worked. What did I do wrong the first 3 times I tried? Was I hitting the wrong button?? I don't know what happened and it makes me nervous.
All of this is my way of thinking I am going into dementia. I have a doctor's appointment at the end of June. I have so many questions to ask.
Last night I went to the bathroom to change the pee pad in my pants. I keep the pads in a drawer right next to the toilet. I do this several times during the day. Last night I forgot to put a dry pee pad in my pants. Later, I had to use the toilet again, but I waited too long. I wasn't too concerned, that's what pee pads are for. But before I got to the toilet I had pee'd down the hall and onto the bathroom floor. I was alone, but I was so embarrassed I cried. Why did I forget to put a clean pad in my panties?
For dinner, I baked some rolls this afternoon. I pre-heat to the correct baking temp. I got the baking sheet ready and put the rolls on with no problem. I set the timer and left the kitchen. When the timer went off I took the rolls out of the oven. I couldn't remember how to turn it off. It didn't work when I tried what I thought was the right way. I walked away from the oven and decided if it hadn't shut off by 3:30 I would have to call Eileen and ask her to come over to see what she could do to get the darned thing off. I went back about 90 minutes later to check. I tried one last time, I would have been embarrassed to have to explain to her that forgot how to shut off the oven, hit what I thought was the off button and it worked. What did I do wrong the first 3 times I tried? Was I hitting the wrong button?? I don't know what happened and it makes me nervous.
All of this is my way of thinking I am going into dementia. I have a doctor's appointment at the end of June. I have so many questions to ask.
Commercials my rant
May. 26th, 2024 02:35 pmI'm old, so I can do this with impunity. My rant about TV commercials.
Many television commercials are ridiculous. The Charmin bears are an example of this. There are many ways to get the point across that Charmin toilet tissue is soft and strong. Why use a bear?
Some make fun of older people. Right now I can't remember what is being spoiled, but it's the commercial that is telling young homeowners not to become like their parents. The newest one has the 'older' man telling the younger man that there is no need for the countdown before actually taking the picture.
Finally, some commercials go against everything we are trying to teach our children about saving our planet and being respectful of others who will come after us. Not in generations, but days or minutes. There are two commercials specifically.
One is about the Iowa Lottery. The guy is selling corn dogs at what is supposed to be the Iowa State Fair. He is not having any luck. Then he sees the person selling lottery tickets and the money won rolled up and put on a stick like the corn dog. He drops his corn dog carrier right down on the ground. In the middle of the foot traffic of fairgoers. We tell our children to pick up after themselves and throw their trash in the bin or waste basket or garbage can, but not on the ground. That is disrespectful to the people walking around, enjoying themselves at the fair. It is also an example of food waste. Our children are taught to give what edible food we have to others who have none. If the seller is so rich that he can just drop the food he is selling on the ground, why can't he hand it off to someone else and tell the person it is hers, to do with as she wants. I imagine she would offer the corndogs to others in her group or others walking near her. Is this what we want our children to see on television? That it is alright to throw perfectly good things away while making certain they are no longer useable for others? It's not what I want my children to see and they are adults. And I certainly wouldn't want my grandchildren to watch and learn from that.
As I wrote earlier, I am old. I am looking at things from an ancient perspective and I don't like what I am seeing.
The other television commercial that sticks in my craw is the Toyota, It's Summer! commercial. To my way of thinking this commercial shows waste, little regard for our natural resources,that littering is acceptable as long as you are having fun, and shows off a sense of entitlement that many of our children and grandchildren seem to feel is their due. I am only speculating on the littering aspect, but given the tone of the TV ad, it seems like a no-brainer, but I could be wrong.
The ad opens with a woman walking out of a Toyta business and then cuts to what looks to be a park with brand new Toyota pickups on the grass, not in the designated parking spaces. Entitlement is on show right there. It is ok for us to park on the grass because we are going to be wasting water and littering the ground with trash that is dangerous for the animals who inhabit the park.
There is a section of the park that is made for water fights. There are water cannons and water that sprouts out of the ground and it is the right place for a water fight. And parents can be involved, no problem. It is the next part of the commercial that angers me. The woman from the Toyota sales place is in the back of a new Toyota pickup (gotta get that truck out there for people to see what fun you can have with one) filled to nearly overflowing with water balloons. This commercial targets the wealthy of the United States. The money that is spent by the people buying the balloons to fill with water might very likely cost one day's pay for another person.
To be honest, I am not a fan of having water thrown at me or dumped on me. If I want to get wet, I will take a swim a shower or a bath. Oh yes, you can say the group will only throw the balloons at the others in the group, but you and I both know that someone is going to think it is cute to toss a balloon filled with water at some unsuspecting passerby. This is depicted by the woman in the truck bed tossing a balloon at those watching TV. She thinks it's funny. And finally (an end to this rant) after tossing all those water balloons at other people, do you believe this group of entitled people will bother to go back and pick up all the pieces of broken balloons? I doubt it. That trash will be left for the leisure services people to pick up the next time they are around that park.
In the meantime, the squirrels and birds and rats and skunks and possums and all the other animals that live in the park will be attracted to the bright bits of latex or rubber or whatever the balloons are made of and eat what they find. In all likelihood, those bits of balloon will make the animal sick and may even kill them. We are taught that all living things are precious. Leaving trash on the ground that may kill those animals does not seem to me that some people don't believe that. But then they are the same group of people who believe that parking rules are not meant for them, that it is fun to be wasteful with our limited natural resources, and they don't have to worry about picking up after themselves.
I don't think a new Toyota of any type is in my future. I don't want to encourage any company to present to the rest of the world anything that goes against saving our planet and being direspectful to other people.
Many television commercials are ridiculous. The Charmin bears are an example of this. There are many ways to get the point across that Charmin toilet tissue is soft and strong. Why use a bear?
Some make fun of older people. Right now I can't remember what is being spoiled, but it's the commercial that is telling young homeowners not to become like their parents. The newest one has the 'older' man telling the younger man that there is no need for the countdown before actually taking the picture.
Finally, some commercials go against everything we are trying to teach our children about saving our planet and being respectful of others who will come after us. Not in generations, but days or minutes. There are two commercials specifically.
One is about the Iowa Lottery. The guy is selling corn dogs at what is supposed to be the Iowa State Fair. He is not having any luck. Then he sees the person selling lottery tickets and the money won rolled up and put on a stick like the corn dog. He drops his corn dog carrier right down on the ground. In the middle of the foot traffic of fairgoers. We tell our children to pick up after themselves and throw their trash in the bin or waste basket or garbage can, but not on the ground. That is disrespectful to the people walking around, enjoying themselves at the fair. It is also an example of food waste. Our children are taught to give what edible food we have to others who have none. If the seller is so rich that he can just drop the food he is selling on the ground, why can't he hand it off to someone else and tell the person it is hers, to do with as she wants. I imagine she would offer the corndogs to others in her group or others walking near her. Is this what we want our children to see on television? That it is alright to throw perfectly good things away while making certain they are no longer useable for others? It's not what I want my children to see and they are adults. And I certainly wouldn't want my grandchildren to watch and learn from that.
As I wrote earlier, I am old. I am looking at things from an ancient perspective and I don't like what I am seeing.
The other television commercial that sticks in my craw is the Toyota, It's Summer! commercial. To my way of thinking this commercial shows waste, little regard for our natural resources,that littering is acceptable as long as you are having fun, and shows off a sense of entitlement that many of our children and grandchildren seem to feel is their due. I am only speculating on the littering aspect, but given the tone of the TV ad, it seems like a no-brainer, but I could be wrong.
The ad opens with a woman walking out of a Toyta business and then cuts to what looks to be a park with brand new Toyota pickups on the grass, not in the designated parking spaces. Entitlement is on show right there. It is ok for us to park on the grass because we are going to be wasting water and littering the ground with trash that is dangerous for the animals who inhabit the park.
There is a section of the park that is made for water fights. There are water cannons and water that sprouts out of the ground and it is the right place for a water fight. And parents can be involved, no problem. It is the next part of the commercial that angers me. The woman from the Toyota sales place is in the back of a new Toyota pickup (gotta get that truck out there for people to see what fun you can have with one) filled to nearly overflowing with water balloons. This commercial targets the wealthy of the United States. The money that is spent by the people buying the balloons to fill with water might very likely cost one day's pay for another person.
To be honest, I am not a fan of having water thrown at me or dumped on me. If I want to get wet, I will take a swim a shower or a bath. Oh yes, you can say the group will only throw the balloons at the others in the group, but you and I both know that someone is going to think it is cute to toss a balloon filled with water at some unsuspecting passerby. This is depicted by the woman in the truck bed tossing a balloon at those watching TV. She thinks it's funny. And finally (an end to this rant) after tossing all those water balloons at other people, do you believe this group of entitled people will bother to go back and pick up all the pieces of broken balloons? I doubt it. That trash will be left for the leisure services people to pick up the next time they are around that park.
In the meantime, the squirrels and birds and rats and skunks and possums and all the other animals that live in the park will be attracted to the bright bits of latex or rubber or whatever the balloons are made of and eat what they find. In all likelihood, those bits of balloon will make the animal sick and may even kill them. We are taught that all living things are precious. Leaving trash on the ground that may kill those animals does not seem to me that some people don't believe that. But then they are the same group of people who believe that parking rules are not meant for them, that it is fun to be wasteful with our limited natural resources, and they don't have to worry about picking up after themselves.
I don't think a new Toyota of any type is in my future. I don't want to encourage any company to present to the rest of the world anything that goes against saving our planet and being direspectful to other people.
Jeff-Part Deux
May. 25th, 2024 11:35 amSo, yesterday early evening I got a call from Eileen. "Guess what!" she says. "I just got a phone call. The first thing I heard was, 'I'm home, Mom!'"
Jeff had become responsive again and when he learned that he was in the hospital he pulled all the tubes from his body, pulled out the ventilator tube, got dressed, and left the hospital against the doctor's advice. Don't know how he got home, he had no cash. Maybe he walked from Mercy to his place, maybe he caught the bus. Who knows?
Eileen, being accustomed to things like this from her nursing days, immediately tore Jeff a new butt hole. Because of how another of Jaden's dads died, Jeff had always said he would never commit suicide. Eileen asked him about that. Jeff denied it. Eileen asked about the empty pill bottles on the floor next to him. He couldn't explain them. He knew nothing about that. He denied everything at first. By the end of the conversation, he sounded sad and sorry and I think he apologized.
Jeff said he would come over to her house to clean as soon as he finished cleaning my place. My first knee-jerk reaction was, "Oh no he's not!" I was angry and I didn't want anything to do with him. I was angry that he would think he could pull a stunt like that and then act as if nothing had happened.
Eileen explained that putting him out of my life was one of the worst things that could be done. I everyone pushed him away it would confirm his feelings of being unwanted and unloved, and increase the chances of him trying this again. I still didn't want him to come over. I told her I didn't want him to come over if he was manic. I live a quiet life. no music during the day, I seldom talk on the phone or have guests over. When he comes in his manic state I want to jump out of my skin. When I see the doctor in June I am going to ask for an Ativan prescription. One 90-day script with no refills. When I need the refill I will call the doctor and ask for it. I have to say it's not just Jeff. When Sarah comes home for the weekend feel anxious, too. She talks all the time. Sometimes she is muttering under her breath, sometimes she is talking to herself. I have to tell her I won't answer unless she starts the conversation with 'Mom...'
I do need Jeff. I have come to depend on him to help me keep my apartment clean. Standing and walking without my walker is very difficult. I can wash and dry clothes but can't carry the basket to put the clothes away. It is painful for me to stand the time it takes for me to hang up the clothes that need to be in the closet. Vacuuming and mopping floors are other things that are painful and dangerous for me to try.
I am debating whether or not I should give Jeff a piece of my mind. Tell him how much I need his help. I shall have to ask Eileen.
Jeff had become responsive again and when he learned that he was in the hospital he pulled all the tubes from his body, pulled out the ventilator tube, got dressed, and left the hospital against the doctor's advice. Don't know how he got home, he had no cash. Maybe he walked from Mercy to his place, maybe he caught the bus. Who knows?
Eileen, being accustomed to things like this from her nursing days, immediately tore Jeff a new butt hole. Because of how another of Jaden's dads died, Jeff had always said he would never commit suicide. Eileen asked him about that. Jeff denied it. Eileen asked about the empty pill bottles on the floor next to him. He couldn't explain them. He knew nothing about that. He denied everything at first. By the end of the conversation, he sounded sad and sorry and I think he apologized.
Jeff said he would come over to her house to clean as soon as he finished cleaning my place. My first knee-jerk reaction was, "Oh no he's not!" I was angry and I didn't want anything to do with him. I was angry that he would think he could pull a stunt like that and then act as if nothing had happened.
Eileen explained that putting him out of my life was one of the worst things that could be done. I everyone pushed him away it would confirm his feelings of being unwanted and unloved, and increase the chances of him trying this again. I still didn't want him to come over. I told her I didn't want him to come over if he was manic. I live a quiet life. no music during the day, I seldom talk on the phone or have guests over. When he comes in his manic state I want to jump out of my skin. When I see the doctor in June I am going to ask for an Ativan prescription. One 90-day script with no refills. When I need the refill I will call the doctor and ask for it. I have to say it's not just Jeff. When Sarah comes home for the weekend feel anxious, too. She talks all the time. Sometimes she is muttering under her breath, sometimes she is talking to herself. I have to tell her I won't answer unless she starts the conversation with 'Mom...'
I do need Jeff. I have come to depend on him to help me keep my apartment clean. Standing and walking without my walker is very difficult. I can wash and dry clothes but can't carry the basket to put the clothes away. It is painful for me to stand the time it takes for me to hang up the clothes that need to be in the closet. Vacuuming and mopping floors are other things that are painful and dangerous for me to try.
I am debating whether or not I should give Jeff a piece of my mind. Tell him how much I need his help. I shall have to ask Eileen.
Eileen called me last night to tell me Jeff is in the hospital in critical. He was found unresponsive on the floor of his apartment yesterday early afternoon. Next to him were at least 2 different pill bottles. One of Ativan that had just been filled and another that his doctor substituted for Suboxone, Buprenorphine, that he takes to help him keep sober.
It is unclear what happened. He has said many times that he would not commit suicide because of James' death. James is one of Cindy's ex-husbands. She has trouble picking good men. He was much younger than her and had been told by his parents that James had 'problems'. She married him anyway. She and Jaden up here living with Eileen and Den at the time. James. the sweetheart that he was, went to a park, called her on his cell phone, and shot himself while she was on the line.
It took Jaden nearly a year before he could talk about his grief. He chose Eileen to talk to. She loves that boy so much. She keeps him upright and knows that he is loved and that there is some stability in his life. Because of that incident in Jaden's life, he was much younger when it happened, Jeff vowed that he would never kill himself. Jeff loves Jaden so much, it is too bad that his life has been such a mess.
Anyway, back to Jeff. The woman who found Jeff called Eileen to tell her about him. He has no family here, no friends who would be able to care for him, no power of attorney. When Eileen called the hospital, the nurse she spoke with at first told her that because Eileen wasn't on the list, she couldn't release any information about Jeff. Eileen kept her cool and explained the situation. The nurse relented and gave Eileen what she had asked for. Eileen was able to help the staff at the hospital by giving the nurse all the medical information she had about Jeff. Eileen knew what meds he was on and who his doctor was. Don't get me started on that quack.
Later, last evening, Eileen and Den went to the hospital to see Jeff. Again the nurse went against protocol and let them into his room. Eileen said he had tubes going into every available space. He was on a respirator. and the staff were trying to flush out all the drugs he took. Eileen said she went over to Jeff and touched his forehead and spoke to him. She said his eyes rolled and he tried to open them. So that gives some hope.
If he survives the next question will be what damage has been done to his brain. Will he be able to do for himself and live on his own? Will he have to go into a facility so he can be cared for?
It was decided not to tell Jaden about this just yet. I think that is a mistake but I am only peripherally related and have no say when it comes to calling the shots. Jadan certainly can be told his father is in the hospital. He doesn't need to know why exactly because no one knows if Jeff's med mistake was intentional or accidental. It is possible that Jeff had not been aware of the amount of medication he took. Jaden can honestly be told they don't know why.
I wonder if it just wouldn't be better for everyone if Jeff did not survive. Eileen said he has a 50/50 chance of living. Jeff's life will be short because of how he treated his body with all the drugs and alcohol. He had diabetes, but he doesn't eat a healthy diet. He drinks pop all the time, Or energy drinks, both of which are loaded with sugar. Because of diabetes and his lack of caring for himself, he will likely lose his toes or feet, which will make getting around difficult. He also has liver and kidney disease. He has high blood pressure, he is overweight, and he has anxiety. Then there is the new med he is on, Buprenorphine. The list of cautions lists almost every problem Jeff has. He shouldn't even be taking it. His doctor should be hung by his balls from the top of a water tower.
I don't know what is going to happen to Jeff.
It is unclear what happened. He has said many times that he would not commit suicide because of James' death. James is one of Cindy's ex-husbands. She has trouble picking good men. He was much younger than her and had been told by his parents that James had 'problems'. She married him anyway. She and Jaden up here living with Eileen and Den at the time. James. the sweetheart that he was, went to a park, called her on his cell phone, and shot himself while she was on the line.
It took Jaden nearly a year before he could talk about his grief. He chose Eileen to talk to. She loves that boy so much. She keeps him upright and knows that he is loved and that there is some stability in his life. Because of that incident in Jaden's life, he was much younger when it happened, Jeff vowed that he would never kill himself. Jeff loves Jaden so much, it is too bad that his life has been such a mess.
Anyway, back to Jeff. The woman who found Jeff called Eileen to tell her about him. He has no family here, no friends who would be able to care for him, no power of attorney. When Eileen called the hospital, the nurse she spoke with at first told her that because Eileen wasn't on the list, she couldn't release any information about Jeff. Eileen kept her cool and explained the situation. The nurse relented and gave Eileen what she had asked for. Eileen was able to help the staff at the hospital by giving the nurse all the medical information she had about Jeff. Eileen knew what meds he was on and who his doctor was. Don't get me started on that quack.
Later, last evening, Eileen and Den went to the hospital to see Jeff. Again the nurse went against protocol and let them into his room. Eileen said he had tubes going into every available space. He was on a respirator. and the staff were trying to flush out all the drugs he took. Eileen said she went over to Jeff and touched his forehead and spoke to him. She said his eyes rolled and he tried to open them. So that gives some hope.
If he survives the next question will be what damage has been done to his brain. Will he be able to do for himself and live on his own? Will he have to go into a facility so he can be cared for?
It was decided not to tell Jaden about this just yet. I think that is a mistake but I am only peripherally related and have no say when it comes to calling the shots. Jadan certainly can be told his father is in the hospital. He doesn't need to know why exactly because no one knows if Jeff's med mistake was intentional or accidental. It is possible that Jeff had not been aware of the amount of medication he took. Jaden can honestly be told they don't know why.
I wonder if it just wouldn't be better for everyone if Jeff did not survive. Eileen said he has a 50/50 chance of living. Jeff's life will be short because of how he treated his body with all the drugs and alcohol. He had diabetes, but he doesn't eat a healthy diet. He drinks pop all the time, Or energy drinks, both of which are loaded with sugar. Because of diabetes and his lack of caring for himself, he will likely lose his toes or feet, which will make getting around difficult. He also has liver and kidney disease. He has high blood pressure, he is overweight, and he has anxiety. Then there is the new med he is on, Buprenorphine. The list of cautions lists almost every problem Jeff has. He shouldn't even be taking it. His doctor should be hung by his balls from the top of a water tower.
I don't know what is going to happen to Jeff.
Oaklawn continued
May. 23rd, 2024 01:23 pmAbout the parakeet. Its cage was in the back corner of the dining room. Mother would let it out of the cage and rather than fly around the house the bird would walk. One evening when my parents left me with a babysitter, the bird was still out of the cage. The babysitter brought her German Shepherd with her and the dog ate the bird. There were blue feathers all over the dining room floor. How awful it must have been for her to tell my parents that the bird was gone. I don't remember Mother's reaction but I think she must have been sad.
I remember, too, the day I was down in the basement with Mother helping with the laundry. I was crouched down by the drain making soap bubble pies when I found my new pets. They didn't last long though, I had found a nest of baby mice. I showed one to Mother who immediately told me to put it back where I had found it. Shortly after that, Dad came home for lunch. He went downstairs, Mother must have told him about my new pets, found the nest, and I watched with my jaw dropped as he dumped them in the trash can. I was upset.
Another memory I have is of my aunts reading me a Little Golden book, one on each step, to get me upstairs and into bed. I had those girls wrapped around my little finger. Dad came from a large family. There were 12 children. Aunts Caroline, Joan, and Mary were the youngest. With all those older brothers and sisters, I imagine they made a truckload of money from babysitting.
The biggest memory I have from the house on Oaklawn nearly gave Mother a heart attack. We lived on Oaklawn when Eileen was born. Mother and Dad had brought her home from the hospital and introduced her to me. I thought she was pretty ok for a baby. What I had wanted though was a sister who was closer to my age. I asked my parents about that and was told Eileen would be older in a few years.
Trying to be a good sister, one day when Eileen was crying Mother was busy doing something. Mother must have known it was not an emergency cry but big sister? Not so much. I went upstairs to Eileen's bedroom and lifted her out of my old crib, The nerve of her, sleeping in my old bed. I got her out of the crib and started to carry Her down the stairs to give her to Mother. Mother caught me carrying Eileen about halfway down the stairs. I have the memory of the look of fear on Mother's face when she saw us. Several years later Mother told me she was imagining what would happen if I tripped ot if Eileen slipped from my hands. Neither of those things did happen, though.
Finally, I decided Eileen was pretty ok and we kept her. Today she is my best friend.
I remember, too, the day I was down in the basement with Mother helping with the laundry. I was crouched down by the drain making soap bubble pies when I found my new pets. They didn't last long though, I had found a nest of baby mice. I showed one to Mother who immediately told me to put it back where I had found it. Shortly after that, Dad came home for lunch. He went downstairs, Mother must have told him about my new pets, found the nest, and I watched with my jaw dropped as he dumped them in the trash can. I was upset.
Another memory I have is of my aunts reading me a Little Golden book, one on each step, to get me upstairs and into bed. I had those girls wrapped around my little finger. Dad came from a large family. There were 12 children. Aunts Caroline, Joan, and Mary were the youngest. With all those older brothers and sisters, I imagine they made a truckload of money from babysitting.
The biggest memory I have from the house on Oaklawn nearly gave Mother a heart attack. We lived on Oaklawn when Eileen was born. Mother and Dad had brought her home from the hospital and introduced her to me. I thought she was pretty ok for a baby. What I had wanted though was a sister who was closer to my age. I asked my parents about that and was told Eileen would be older in a few years.
Trying to be a good sister, one day when Eileen was crying Mother was busy doing something. Mother must have known it was not an emergency cry but big sister? Not so much. I went upstairs to Eileen's bedroom and lifted her out of my old crib, The nerve of her, sleeping in my old bed. I got her out of the crib and started to carry Her down the stairs to give her to Mother. Mother caught me carrying Eileen about halfway down the stairs. I have the memory of the look of fear on Mother's face when she saw us. Several years later Mother told me she was imagining what would happen if I tripped ot if Eileen slipped from my hands. Neither of those things did happen, though.
Finally, I decided Eileen was pretty ok and we kept her. Today she is my best friend.
We lived on Oaklawn when Eileen was born. Besides her birth, there are many memories from when my family lived there.
Sniffer Dawn was my first dog. She was a wiener dog. I remember her being long with short legs and floppy ears. She was a bit of a touchy pup, she didn't like it when I shut the door on her nose and to show me her dislike, she bit me on my toe. I cried and ran to Mother who kissed it and made it all better. Sniffy Dawn got put in the backyard until she calmed down and her nose was not so tender.
We had a parakeet, too. It was blue. I don't know if it was a boy or a girl bird. I do remember the bird liked to walk around the downstairs rather than fly. It also liked to ride on Sniffy's dog collar. One time that is right at the top of my memories for our Oaklawn home was the day Mother put color in the oleo.
Mother at the kitchen counter in front of one of the windows. She had her back to the room so she missed the parade of Sniffer Dawn with the bird on her gorgeous pink collar and me, followed by my imaginary friends, Dede and Dorie Dopp. I was wearing a white blouse with ruffles down the front on either side of the buttons and a plaid skirt with straps going over my shoulders to keep it up. I remember wearing my red Buster Brown's. I hated those shoes with the two buckles on each. They took so long to put on and take off. I had to wear Buster Brown's until I was in first grade and made my first holy communion. For that, I got black patent leather Mary Janes with a strap that went over the top of the foot. Those were only for Church on Sundays and special occasions like Christmas and Thanksgiving and Easter.
I seem to be wandering all over the place when I really want to write about my Oaklawn home.
To be continued.
Sniffer Dawn was my first dog. She was a wiener dog. I remember her being long with short legs and floppy ears. She was a bit of a touchy pup, she didn't like it when I shut the door on her nose and to show me her dislike, she bit me on my toe. I cried and ran to Mother who kissed it and made it all better. Sniffy Dawn got put in the backyard until she calmed down and her nose was not so tender.
We had a parakeet, too. It was blue. I don't know if it was a boy or a girl bird. I do remember the bird liked to walk around the downstairs rather than fly. It also liked to ride on Sniffy's dog collar. One time that is right at the top of my memories for our Oaklawn home was the day Mother put color in the oleo.
Mother at the kitchen counter in front of one of the windows. She had her back to the room so she missed the parade of Sniffer Dawn with the bird on her gorgeous pink collar and me, followed by my imaginary friends, Dede and Dorie Dopp. I was wearing a white blouse with ruffles down the front on either side of the buttons and a plaid skirt with straps going over my shoulders to keep it up. I remember wearing my red Buster Brown's. I hated those shoes with the two buckles on each. They took so long to put on and take off. I had to wear Buster Brown's until I was in first grade and made my first holy communion. For that, I got black patent leather Mary Janes with a strap that went over the top of the foot. Those were only for Church on Sundays and special occasions like Christmas and Thanksgiving and Easter.
I seem to be wandering all over the place when I really want to write about my Oaklawn home.
To be continued.
(no subject)
May. 19th, 2024 02:01 pmThe temp right now is one of the better ones. Right now it is a beautiful, sunny 78 degrees. This is exactly how boring my life is. The most exciting thing I have to open with is a weather report. DUG. Why did I ever decide to write again? I suppose it is one way of passing time. I don't want to spend the whole day watching television.
Speaking of which, inflation is killing me. The price of groceries has gone through the roof. A single bar of soap is over $6.00. I did find Yardley's Lavender Soap for $1.79. It isn't a beauty bar, nor a manly bar, but at least I will smell good and be relaxed.
Today is "do not get dressed Sunday". I took a shower this morning and then put on a housedress with very little under. I need a chance to let my body parts be free and get some fresh air.
Done
Speaking of which, inflation is killing me. The price of groceries has gone through the roof. A single bar of soap is over $6.00. I did find Yardley's Lavender Soap for $1.79. It isn't a beauty bar, nor a manly bar, but at least I will smell good and be relaxed.
Today is "do not get dressed Sunday". I took a shower this morning and then put on a housedress with very little under. I need a chance to let my body parts be free and get some fresh air.
Done
(no subject)
May. 17th, 2024 02:01 pmIt seems this week I am spending money like I had it. I had to get the dryer checked out because it wasn't drying very well. That cost $107. The repair man suggested I GET THE VENT CLEANED OUT SINCE THAT MIGHT ALSO BE PART OF THE PROBLEM. Those guys came this morning. This was almost double the repair man. It was $187.25. I had to dig into my growing ever-smaller savings account to make certain I would have money for the rest of the month.
All week long I have been stressed and easily angered. I want to hit something, or at least yell at someone
The cats have been feeling the brunt of that. Maizie especially. She is always in my way. I know I know it is mostly my fault. I wanted her to feel loved as much as Molly is loved and when Maizie was first here I let her get away with a lot of stuff. The problem with that is she is not at all like Molly. Molly is ok with sitting on my lap to let me pet her all night long. Maozie comes up to my lap but doesn't stay long. And if she naps, she is never close to me so I can snuggle her.
D.O.N.E.
All week long I have been stressed and easily angered. I want to hit something, or at least yell at someone
The cats have been feeling the brunt of that. Maizie especially. She is always in my way. I know I know it is mostly my fault. I wanted her to feel loved as much as Molly is loved and when Maizie was first here I let her get away with a lot of stuff. The problem with that is she is not at all like Molly. Molly is ok with sitting on my lap to let me pet her all night long. Maozie comes up to my lap but doesn't stay long. And if she naps, she is never close to me so I can snuggle her.
D.O.N.E.
I wrote something yesterday but I was interrupted and didn't get it finished. I thought I had saved it but I didn't, so there you go.
I have been spending money this month like I had it. A house call for the dryer, made an appointment to have the dryer vent cleaned, which will likely happen before the end of the month. The grocery bill is high again this week. I might have to dip into the savings and that money is getting in short supply.
Went to Sarah's annual care plan meeting. The social worker started by looking directly at me to tell me that she expected the meeting to move along quietly and with some speed, there would be no shouting or rude language. I asked her when I had done that to her. She said every time I spoke with her I would say "This is my best Karen voice and then go off on her about some frivolous thing. Needless to say, I was flabbergasted. I explained to her that it was meant as a joke, but she didn't take it that way at all. I was polite and quiet for the rest of the meeting. Only speaking to clarify things for Sarah and to ask questions. I hope it was instilled in her brain that she is not to go anywhere on her own, even to the bathroom which is in her room. No walks to the nurses' station without assistance to ask a question, she must use her call light.
Sarah told the nurse manager that sometimes it took 15 to 20 minutes for the light to be answered. I know that waiting for something without knowing the time can make the wait seem to be forever. I suggested she check her watch when she presses the button and then again when someone comes in, to see how long it takes.
Sarah has gained 26 pounds since she arrived in April of 2022. She decided to be more active and take part in at least three activities a week. She is also going to get some pool time and twice a week in the weight room where the stationary bike is. She has a swimsuit there, I just hope it fits. If it doesn't I have one here that I think might work. I will try to find it just in case.
Done.
I have been spending money this month like I had it. A house call for the dryer, made an appointment to have the dryer vent cleaned, which will likely happen before the end of the month. The grocery bill is high again this week. I might have to dip into the savings and that money is getting in short supply.
Went to Sarah's annual care plan meeting. The social worker started by looking directly at me to tell me that she expected the meeting to move along quietly and with some speed, there would be no shouting or rude language. I asked her when I had done that to her. She said every time I spoke with her I would say "This is my best Karen voice and then go off on her about some frivolous thing. Needless to say, I was flabbergasted. I explained to her that it was meant as a joke, but she didn't take it that way at all. I was polite and quiet for the rest of the meeting. Only speaking to clarify things for Sarah and to ask questions. I hope it was instilled in her brain that she is not to go anywhere on her own, even to the bathroom which is in her room. No walks to the nurses' station without assistance to ask a question, she must use her call light.
Sarah told the nurse manager that sometimes it took 15 to 20 minutes for the light to be answered. I know that waiting for something without knowing the time can make the wait seem to be forever. I suggested she check her watch when she presses the button and then again when someone comes in, to see how long it takes.
Sarah has gained 26 pounds since she arrived in April of 2022. She decided to be more active and take part in at least three activities a week. She is also going to get some pool time and twice a week in the weight room where the stationary bike is. She has a swimsuit there, I just hope it fits. If it doesn't I have one here that I think might work. I will try to find it just in case.
Done.
trying something creative
May. 13th, 2024 01:57 pmWhoever thinks a person with a disability cannot do all the things a "normal" person can . Let me tell you they are absofuckinglutely W.R.O.N.G. wrong. My daughter, Sarah, can do anything you can do but she may have to come at it from a different angle.
Sarah began losing her vision when she was in the 7th grade. At the beginning of the school year, there was a regular eye exam given by the school nurse. She called me after Sarah's exam and suggested that I take her to have her eyes examined. For whatever reason I made an appointment with an ophthalmologist. The visit all started normally but it seemed to me that Sarah was in the exam room for a very long time. After what seemed to be an eternity, the eye doctor came out and asked me to come into the exam room with Sarah. There he explained to me that Sarah had a vision problem that lenes couldn't correct and he was going to make an appointment for Sarah at the eye clinic at the University of Iowa eye clinic.
This frightened me but I wanted my daughter to have the best life she could and if it meant going to Iowa City to figure out what was going on, that is what will be done. The appointment was made for a week later. Sarah and I had a nice drive down, we chatted about all the normal stuff, and in the quiet times, I tried to figure out why I hadn't noticed anything. Then it came to me that whenever she played the piano, Sarah would turn her head to the left so that the right eye would have a fuller view of the notes on the page. I felt so bad. Being raised Catholic and going to a Catholic school helped instill in me the Christian version of Jewish guilt.
We got to the clinic and Sarah was taken in for her eye exam. Then we had to go to another area of the eye clinic so other tests could be performed. Finally, she was sent to get a CAT scan. The scan was the key. It was discovered that Sarah had a tumor the size of a grapefruit on the left side of her brain. Until the surgery no one knew how problematic that would be.
The surgery had grown so large that parts of it and begun to wrap itself around the optic nerve in the left eye. Dr. Arnold Meneses, the surgeon, tried 108 times to cut the tumor out of Sarah's head but had real trouble with the area around the optic nerve He couldn't get it all without damaging her vision enough to make her blind in her left eye. When she was in recovery Dr. Meneses took me to a family consult room and explained what had happened. To make a long explanation short, the surgeon couldn't remove the entire the entire tumor and there was a very strong possibility it would grow back. It did.
After two more surgeries and radiotherapy, the tumor finally stopped growing. By then Sarah had no sight in her left eye and only peripheral vision in her right
Sarah began losing her vision when she was in the 7th grade. At the beginning of the school year, there was a regular eye exam given by the school nurse. She called me after Sarah's exam and suggested that I take her to have her eyes examined. For whatever reason I made an appointment with an ophthalmologist. The visit all started normally but it seemed to me that Sarah was in the exam room for a very long time. After what seemed to be an eternity, the eye doctor came out and asked me to come into the exam room with Sarah. There he explained to me that Sarah had a vision problem that lenes couldn't correct and he was going to make an appointment for Sarah at the eye clinic at the University of Iowa eye clinic.
This frightened me but I wanted my daughter to have the best life she could and if it meant going to Iowa City to figure out what was going on, that is what will be done. The appointment was made for a week later. Sarah and I had a nice drive down, we chatted about all the normal stuff, and in the quiet times, I tried to figure out why I hadn't noticed anything. Then it came to me that whenever she played the piano, Sarah would turn her head to the left so that the right eye would have a fuller view of the notes on the page. I felt so bad. Being raised Catholic and going to a Catholic school helped instill in me the Christian version of Jewish guilt.
We got to the clinic and Sarah was taken in for her eye exam. Then we had to go to another area of the eye clinic so other tests could be performed. Finally, she was sent to get a CAT scan. The scan was the key. It was discovered that Sarah had a tumor the size of a grapefruit on the left side of her brain. Until the surgery no one knew how problematic that would be.
The surgery had grown so large that parts of it and begun to wrap itself around the optic nerve in the left eye. Dr. Arnold Meneses, the surgeon, tried 108 times to cut the tumor out of Sarah's head but had real trouble with the area around the optic nerve He couldn't get it all without damaging her vision enough to make her blind in her left eye. When she was in recovery Dr. Meneses took me to a family consult room and explained what had happened. To make a long explanation short, the surgeon couldn't remove the entire the entire tumor and there was a very strong possibility it would grow back. It did.
After two more surgeries and radiotherapy, the tumor finally stopped growing. By then Sarah had no sight in her left eye and only peripheral vision in her right
Sarah is home
May. 12th, 2024 10:49 amI went to get Sarah at about 1:30 yesterday afternoon. She will be home with me until tomorrow afternoon. Today is Mother's Day. I am happy to have her here. I wish Patrick would call or stop by but I know that isn't going to happen.
On the way home from Harmony House, We stopped at Culver's. I was thinking since it was late in the afternoon we could get an early dinner and then have some trail mix later if we were hungry. I got a burger and Sarah for a Concrete Mixer, large. Somehow Sarah got it into her head that we were going to have pizza for dinner so about 6:30 she asked when I was going to order it. I didn't want to turn her down so we got a small pizza from Domino's. She had two pieces I had one. The other half of the pizza is in its box in the refrigerator.
She is still sleeping, which is nice because that gives me some alone time and some computer time. I am not certain how the rest of the day will go.
I do write boring shit. I should try a creative piece tomorrow, or better, Tuesday after Sarah is gone.
On the way home from Harmony House, We stopped at Culver's. I was thinking since it was late in the afternoon we could get an early dinner and then have some trail mix later if we were hungry. I got a burger and Sarah for a Concrete Mixer, large. Somehow Sarah got it into her head that we were going to have pizza for dinner so about 6:30 she asked when I was going to order it. I didn't want to turn her down so we got a small pizza from Domino's. She had two pieces I had one. The other half of the pizza is in its box in the refrigerator.
She is still sleeping, which is nice because that gives me some alone time and some computer time. I am not certain how the rest of the day will go.
I do write boring shit. I should try a creative piece tomorrow, or better, Tuesday after Sarah is gone.
(no subject)
May. 11th, 2024 12:19 pmSarah is coming home for a visit this weekend. Tomorrow is Mother's Day and it's been about 6 weeks since her last home visit. I must get out there to see her regularly. Take her out to lunch or something. Now that the weather is fine, maybe go on a picnic. Or take her to a gym to get some exercise at least once a week. She could pay for it out of her expense account.
I wish I would hear from Patrick this weekend. Likely it won't happen. Just writing this is making me cry. I don't know how to get in touch with him. I have sent texts asking for his forgiveness and they either go unread or deleted without opening them. This is depressing me.
I wish I would hear from Patrick this weekend. Likely it won't happen. Just writing this is making me cry. I don't know how to get in touch with him. I have sent texts asking for his forgiveness and they either go unread or deleted without opening them. This is depressing me.
The World of Weather
May. 10th, 2024 12:42 pmIt is quite q task trying to type with a cat lying on the right in front of the keyboard. She is sleeping so peacefully that I hate to wake her to tell her to move. There will be much proofing and editing going on before I am finished.
Between this afternoon and Sunday night Earth will experience the worst geomagnetic storm in 20+ years.There will be all sorts of strange things happening around the world this weekend. There may be auroras in unusual locations around the planet. There may be blackouts and brownouts. The geothermal winds will be blowing wildly in space affecting out planet. Could be interesting to see.
I received a box of cat food and litter on Wednesday. It sat on the table for a couple of days because it was too heavy for me to push along on the carpet and too big for me to put in the basket of my walkers. It is also too cumbersome for me to carry and get to the right place without the walker.
Yesterday I woke up to the smell of a dirty cat box. I cleaned it as soon as I got dressed but I could still smell it. I looked all around the apartment for a gift from Maizie. Molly would never leave that type of prezzie for me. I could find nothing, but I could still smell a dirty cat box.
I had groceries being delivered yesterday and was going to feel very embarrassed fo have the delivery person walk into my home and small cat poop. I have always had a suggestible mind. Finally, about an hour before the delivery was supposed to get here, I opened the box with the litter and took it to the laundry room. I was going to try to dump the litter in the box to change it out for a new clean litter. When I got to the cat box there was no smell to be smelled. I guess I was still smelling it in my mind. I even thought I might have this season's version of COVID with one of the symptoms being a loss of smell. I thought that might have changed to smelling bad stuff all the time. I was wrong.
Between this afternoon and Sunday night Earth will experience the worst geomagnetic storm in 20+ years.There will be all sorts of strange things happening around the world this weekend. There may be auroras in unusual locations around the planet. There may be blackouts and brownouts. The geothermal winds will be blowing wildly in space affecting out planet. Could be interesting to see.
I received a box of cat food and litter on Wednesday. It sat on the table for a couple of days because it was too heavy for me to push along on the carpet and too big for me to put in the basket of my walkers. It is also too cumbersome for me to carry and get to the right place without the walker.
Yesterday I woke up to the smell of a dirty cat box. I cleaned it as soon as I got dressed but I could still smell it. I looked all around the apartment for a gift from Maizie. Molly would never leave that type of prezzie for me. I could find nothing, but I could still smell a dirty cat box.
I had groceries being delivered yesterday and was going to feel very embarrassed fo have the delivery person walk into my home and small cat poop. I have always had a suggestible mind. Finally, about an hour before the delivery was supposed to get here, I opened the box with the litter and took it to the laundry room. I was going to try to dump the litter in the box to change it out for a new clean litter. When I got to the cat box there was no smell to be smelled. I guess I was still smelling it in my mind. I even thought I might have this season's version of COVID with one of the symptoms being a loss of smell. I thought that might have changed to smelling bad stuff all the time. I was wrong.
(no subject)
May. 10th, 2024 12:42 pmI am working to get back to writing every day again. Since I have gotten old, my life has become so boring.
I woke up this morning thinking I was smelling the litter box. I cleaned it and raked the litter around so that it would dry, but it is nearly 5 hrs. later and I can still smell it.
It is a rainy day today. I am waiting for something bad to happen. In the 'Empathetic Fallacy' in Literary Circles bad things usually happen on a dark and gloomy day. One seldom reads about a brutal murder happening on a bright and sunny day. It was 10:00 on a beautiful Spring morning when the child molester was hanged from the branch of a beautiful oak tree full of newly opened leaves in the middle of the town square. The passage might more likely read: It was 10:00 on a dark and stormy night when the child molester was dragged into the slaughterhouse yard and hanged by the neck from a crane used to offload the animals which had come to be killed. Their bodies were old and fragile fit only to be used for glue or hides made into leather for shoes and belts and women's handbags.
I woke up this morning thinking I was smelling the litter box. I cleaned it and raked the litter around so that it would dry, but it is nearly 5 hrs. later and I can still smell it.
It is a rainy day today. I am waiting for something bad to happen. In the 'Empathetic Fallacy' in Literary Circles bad things usually happen on a dark and gloomy day. One seldom reads about a brutal murder happening on a bright and sunny day. It was 10:00 on a beautiful Spring morning when the child molester was hanged from the branch of a beautiful oak tree full of newly opened leaves in the middle of the town square. The passage might more likely read: It was 10:00 on a dark and stormy night when the child molester was dragged into the slaughterhouse yard and hanged by the neck from a crane used to offload the animals which had come to be killed. Their bodies were old and fragile fit only to be used for glue or hides made into leather for shoes and belts and women's handbags.
