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jdmkleinI was living in Taiwan and teaching at Tunghai in Taichung for my 50th birthday. I had already been in Taiwan for eight years, the past four years without Pat. He had returned home to go to school in Florida and then back to Iowa in 1994.
I had many friends in Taichung who would have helped me make this particular birthday more enjoyable, but I was really struggling and didn't want to be around anyone. I think this birthday was more difficult because it forced me to come face to face with my chronological age. This year signified that I had lived for half a century. And that frightened me. I had this inexplicable feeling that I must act my age, or act as I thought the rest of the 50 yeas olds in the world acted. In my mind, this meant that I should stop hanging around with colleagues who were younger than me, stop doing the weekend partying, start dressing my age, and other things along those lines. It marked what I thought should be a turning point in my life. Only, I didn't want to do that.
I closed myself away in my apartment, locked the door, and didn't answer the phone. I wasn't handling it very well. That angered me and asked her to stop. I knew I was being irrational, but I didn't need her to remind me. It seems to me, as far as my relationship with her, that she always managed to take that one last step over the line. She wouldn't stop, so finally, for the first time in the half-century that was my life, I told my mother to "shut the fuck up." That immediately put an end to that conversation. She wouldn't chat with me for several days after that. I felt bad about it on the one hand, on the other, I believed she was wrong to keep pushing like that.
My friend Douglas and his now very famous sculpture artist companion lived in the same complex as I did. They had taken a day trip to central Taiwan and brought me back a huge cabbage that was grown in an area famous for its cabbages. I didn't open the door when they knocked. They knew I was having a difficult time and were only trying to help. And I knew that and was still quite mean to them. They left, but later they returned to leave a dozen roses and a pendant and ring that Nick had made. I still have those pieces of jewelry. I eventually finished the cabbage and enjoyed the beauty of the roses. And they still liked me. In fact, we still chat together on Facebook after nearly 30 years.
As I am writing about this birthday, I wonder how I could have been so foolish. It is now 21 years later, I am still alive and kicking. I am retired and have changed my lifestyle. I know longer socialize with a younger set, in fact I barely socialize at all. I am not as active as I was back then. I keep telling myself that I should get back to swimming or using the machines at the Y, but so far I haven't. I can't help but yearn for that 'old woman' I was back when I was 50. 577
I had many friends in Taichung who would have helped me make this particular birthday more enjoyable, but I was really struggling and didn't want to be around anyone. I think this birthday was more difficult because it forced me to come face to face with my chronological age. This year signified that I had lived for half a century. And that frightened me. I had this inexplicable feeling that I must act my age, or act as I thought the rest of the 50 yeas olds in the world acted. In my mind, this meant that I should stop hanging around with colleagues who were younger than me, stop doing the weekend partying, start dressing my age, and other things along those lines. It marked what I thought should be a turning point in my life. Only, I didn't want to do that.
I closed myself away in my apartment, locked the door, and didn't answer the phone. I wasn't handling it very well. That angered me and asked her to stop. I knew I was being irrational, but I didn't need her to remind me. It seems to me, as far as my relationship with her, that she always managed to take that one last step over the line. She wouldn't stop, so finally, for the first time in the half-century that was my life, I told my mother to "shut the fuck up." That immediately put an end to that conversation. She wouldn't chat with me for several days after that. I felt bad about it on the one hand, on the other, I believed she was wrong to keep pushing like that.
My friend Douglas and his now very famous sculpture artist companion lived in the same complex as I did. They had taken a day trip to central Taiwan and brought me back a huge cabbage that was grown in an area famous for its cabbages. I didn't open the door when they knocked. They knew I was having a difficult time and were only trying to help. And I knew that and was still quite mean to them. They left, but later they returned to leave a dozen roses and a pendant and ring that Nick had made. I still have those pieces of jewelry. I eventually finished the cabbage and enjoyed the beauty of the roses. And they still liked me. In fact, we still chat together on Facebook after nearly 30 years.
As I am writing about this birthday, I wonder how I could have been so foolish. It is now 21 years later, I am still alive and kicking. I am retired and have changed my lifestyle. I know longer socialize with a younger set, in fact I barely socialize at all. I am not as active as I was back then. I keep telling myself that I should get back to swimming or using the machines at the Y, but so far I haven't. I can't help but yearn for that 'old woman' I was back when I was 50. 577
