(no subject)
Mar. 29th, 2003 08:57 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jdmkleinSeveral years ago Mother accused me of abandoning my daughter. She said that i should not try to continue my education because i should be with my daughter. i should not look for a job overseas because iI should be with my daughter.i know she didn't mean to hurt me as badly as she did with those words. i wonder if she is jealous that i went to school and she, the darling of her family, didn't.
i carry enough guilt. i feel guilt because of my daughter's handicap. i feel guilt that my son is a loner, and does not make friends easily. i feel guilty because their father committed the ultimate act of abandonment 4 years ago. And with all that guilt that i can lay on myself, i have my mother's words ringing in my ear. i feel guilt that my sister has the primary responsibility for caring for my mother. i feel guilt that my brother, while recovering, is still an alcoholic. i feel guilt because my mother, at age 75 left her husband and is now living alone. My brother-in-law accused me of pushing her into this.
If i had not smoked or drank alcohol during my pregnancy would my daughter be blind? iI don't know. If i had not taken my son out of the United States for four years so he could live in Taiwan, would he still be such a loner? iI don't know. If i had stayed married, would the father of my children be dead now? i don't know. If i had kept my mouth shut when i saw an abusive situation would my mother still be married to a verbally abusive man? i don't know. If i had not gone to school, gotten the degrees, gone overseas, would my daughter be in the situation she is in now? i don't know. The only thing i can hear in my head at this moment is my mother's words to me.
There was a thread on the list i read awhile back about regrets, i think. A long time ago i consciously made the decision never to regret anything i have done. i have too much else going on in my life to bother about the 'what ifs' in this world. My mother's words bother me mightily. i love my daughter with every fiber of my being. i would hate for her to think I have abandoned her. And i am afraid to find out that she does.
Parents, be so very careful what you say to your children. Your words may haunt them the rest of their lives.
Classes resumed today. The ELU had a bit over 30% absenteeism. We were pretty good considering the rest of the faculty. One department was down 56%, another was down 100%. The rector is finally getting his head out of his rectum and rethinking the decision to keep the university closed. The silkworm missile that landed at Souk Sharq probably did nothing to help the unease felt in the souls of the Kuwaitis. We won't know today, probably, but maybe by tomorrow a decision will be made. This doesn't help the two teachers who are out of the country trying to decide whether to come back in or not. One has to be at the airport at 6:45 tomorrow morning to catch the last plane to Kuwait until Wednesday. The other is waiting patiently in the UK for my email. This is what I love about living overseas, the uncertainty of just about EVERYTHING!
i carry enough guilt. i feel guilt because of my daughter's handicap. i feel guilt that my son is a loner, and does not make friends easily. i feel guilty because their father committed the ultimate act of abandonment 4 years ago. And with all that guilt that i can lay on myself, i have my mother's words ringing in my ear. i feel guilt that my sister has the primary responsibility for caring for my mother. i feel guilt that my brother, while recovering, is still an alcoholic. i feel guilt because my mother, at age 75 left her husband and is now living alone. My brother-in-law accused me of pushing her into this.
If i had not smoked or drank alcohol during my pregnancy would my daughter be blind? iI don't know. If i had not taken my son out of the United States for four years so he could live in Taiwan, would he still be such a loner? iI don't know. If i had stayed married, would the father of my children be dead now? i don't know. If i had kept my mouth shut when i saw an abusive situation would my mother still be married to a verbally abusive man? i don't know. If i had not gone to school, gotten the degrees, gone overseas, would my daughter be in the situation she is in now? i don't know. The only thing i can hear in my head at this moment is my mother's words to me.
There was a thread on the list i read awhile back about regrets, i think. A long time ago i consciously made the decision never to regret anything i have done. i have too much else going on in my life to bother about the 'what ifs' in this world. My mother's words bother me mightily. i love my daughter with every fiber of my being. i would hate for her to think I have abandoned her. And i am afraid to find out that she does.
Parents, be so very careful what you say to your children. Your words may haunt them the rest of their lives.
Classes resumed today. The ELU had a bit over 30% absenteeism. We were pretty good considering the rest of the faculty. One department was down 56%, another was down 100%. The rector is finally getting his head out of his rectum and rethinking the decision to keep the university closed. The silkworm missile that landed at Souk Sharq probably did nothing to help the unease felt in the souls of the Kuwaitis. We won't know today, probably, but maybe by tomorrow a decision will be made. This doesn't help the two teachers who are out of the country trying to decide whether to come back in or not. One has to be at the airport at 6:45 tomorrow morning to catch the last plane to Kuwait until Wednesday. The other is waiting patiently in the UK for my email. This is what I love about living overseas, the uncertainty of just about EVERYTHING!
