(no subject)

[jdmklein]

Today my pain is different. Today i feel good, afraid but good. Scared but good. We played today. Master said i went in easily and deeply and i feel very nervous about what i don't remember happening. i have not looked at my breasts again since i showered. i know they will be very marked. Maybe totally. Master wants to look at my ass later, too. It is tender, my back is tender, my breasts are tender. i'm a mess. i'm still weepy, we can't talk about it yet. i think this is the deepest i have ever gone, and certainly the quickest i have ever gotten there. This is creepy. This is weird. This is something new, and i'm not certain i'm ok with it just yet. i know i will, once i know what happened. This is not like other times. And i don't know why.

Tomorrow Daughter goes to the seizure specialist. Don't know if i want to know about that one either. She doesn't deserve this shit. i am so happy she is able to be independent and i know i shouldn't pitch a fit, this is beyond my control. She deserves better and i can't provide it for her, and that is a part of the guilt i'll feel all my life.

Guess this entry just shows to go i shouldn't write after we play with intensity.