i can't even keep a promise to myself
Sep. 12th, 2002 07:57 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jdmkleinToday has been a difficult day. We took pooder out to the ball field for a romp. He’s getting really good at chasing the ball. He’s learned how to turn the frizbee over so he can pick it up. We had him out for about an hour. Then stopped at the bakery for doughnuts for breakfast. On the way I asked Master what we had planned for today. He said nothing but to work on the cross. He wants to make sure the belts are correctly placed. He said He wanted to lay out the cross and have me on it to make the right placement.
Well, it’s now after 7:30 pm and the only thing He has done all day is sit at the computer. We are back to the same old thing. He says something, I think He means it, and nothing happens. I’ve decided I’m not going to say a thing. It only causes upset feelings on my part and He makes all sorts of excuses. In fact, in my mind, I believe it just isn’t important to Him. He’s not actually very sadistic.
He has to have things. It doesn’t matter if He ever uses them, He has to have them. The cross is just one example. He’s been working on it for the whole time we’ve been together. It still isn’t finished. It is not a matter of rocket science proportions. It is just not a high priority for Him. I get my hopes up and He doesn’t come through. It is going to come up. I know I won’t be able to keep my mouth shut. I’m going to ask Him not to say anything. I would rather not be told anything rather than be told something just because He thinks I want to hear it.
At one point today I started to make a list of why I should stay. Right now it won’t do any good. I can’t leave yet. I don’t know how much longer I can deal with this without it affecting my ability to serve Him. I don’t even know if talking to Him about it will do any good.
Well, it’s now after 7:30 pm and the only thing He has done all day is sit at the computer. We are back to the same old thing. He says something, I think He means it, and nothing happens. I’ve decided I’m not going to say a thing. It only causes upset feelings on my part and He makes all sorts of excuses. In fact, in my mind, I believe it just isn’t important to Him. He’s not actually very sadistic.
He has to have things. It doesn’t matter if He ever uses them, He has to have them. The cross is just one example. He’s been working on it for the whole time we’ve been together. It still isn’t finished. It is not a matter of rocket science proportions. It is just not a high priority for Him. I get my hopes up and He doesn’t come through. It is going to come up. I know I won’t be able to keep my mouth shut. I’m going to ask Him not to say anything. I would rather not be told anything rather than be told something just because He thinks I want to hear it.
At one point today I started to make a list of why I should stay. Right now it won’t do any good. I can’t leave yet. I don’t know how much longer I can deal with this without it affecting my ability to serve Him. I don’t even know if talking to Him about it will do any good.
