take it up a notch

So, i check my email this morning before i go to work and there is a message from my best friend. She tells me she's going to retire at the end of this year. BAM! as Emeril would say. That hit me smack in the middle of my stomach.

First emotion was jealousy. How can she do it so soon and not i? Chalk that up to working 35 years in the same place. Chalk that up to being married to the same man for 37 years. Chalk that up to having the foresight to begin planning for their retirement together from the day they were married.

Second emotion was bewilderment. How can she be old enough to retire? i'm not, why, why, why, i'm only ......oh shit, nearly 55.

Third emotion was shock. How can i be that old? My mind doesn't think that old, i suppose a good hard look in the mirror would tell me i sure the fuck look that old. Ok, i admit, most days my body feels twice that age with all the accompanying aches and pains. But where did the time go? Just a few years ago i was a flower child, the summer of love and all that. Peace, man. Dope up, drop out. Where did the good days go? It don't mean a thing.

i never imagined i would be this old. And now that i am, i want to cry. For the life of me, i don't know if i want to cry because i'm so old, or if i want to cry because i have survived this long. Are my tears ones of joy or sadness?

Or a mixture of both.