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Jun. 9th, 2003 08:26 pmi will have to look back and see if i was having these feelings the last time Master was gone. i'm feeling very unsatisfied with my relationship with Him. i can't put my finger on exactly what is causing this dissatisfaction, and i can't find one specific reason why, but i find myself wondering why we are together. i find myself wondering about other partners, and even more than that, thinking about being alone again. A misogynist is one who hates women, what is one who hates people? Sick i suppose some would say.
And yet when He sent some pictures of Him as a child and younger man i was amazed at my reaction. The pictures of Him in Jr. high school made my heart hurt. He looks so innocent and sweet and lost. And the picture of Him in uniform made my nipples hurt with lust. The feelings are there that is for sure. Perhaps it's my way of coping with His absence.
And then, in the next minute, i begin to wonder how i can make His life easier. What kinds of things can i do to make Him more comfortable. i try to be a good companion for Him. i am always at His disposal for His sexual needs. i work very hard to be a good housekeeper and laundress. i know He enjoys being with me. i wonder what little thing i can add to make His life more special.
i have this plan in the making for His first night home. i am totally vegetarian now until after His return. i have found some clean fresh smelling soap, i will bathe Him and wash His hair before He goes to bed. i will give Him a manicure and pedicure very soon after He returns. i know He likes that. i'm trying to decide on His first breakfast back.
Those are the easy things. But what to do the rest of the time. i feel i need to focus myself more to Him. He doesn't care for anticipatory service. He prefers to tell me what He wants done and how and by what time. To be proactive would not be practical i think. There are certain things that are routine and i know He expects me to take care of them with no nudging from Him.
i can't seem to focus on what i want to say. i keep doing a dance around it. It may be a ballet, but i am dancing around my nebulous thought nonetheless.
And yet when He sent some pictures of Him as a child and younger man i was amazed at my reaction. The pictures of Him in Jr. high school made my heart hurt. He looks so innocent and sweet and lost. And the picture of Him in uniform made my nipples hurt with lust. The feelings are there that is for sure. Perhaps it's my way of coping with His absence.
And then, in the next minute, i begin to wonder how i can make His life easier. What kinds of things can i do to make Him more comfortable. i try to be a good companion for Him. i am always at His disposal for His sexual needs. i work very hard to be a good housekeeper and laundress. i know He enjoys being with me. i wonder what little thing i can add to make His life more special.
i have this plan in the making for His first night home. i am totally vegetarian now until after His return. i have found some clean fresh smelling soap, i will bathe Him and wash His hair before He goes to bed. i will give Him a manicure and pedicure very soon after He returns. i know He likes that. i'm trying to decide on His first breakfast back.
Those are the easy things. But what to do the rest of the time. i feel i need to focus myself more to Him. He doesn't care for anticipatory service. He prefers to tell me what He wants done and how and by what time. To be proactive would not be practical i think. There are certain things that are routine and i know He expects me to take care of them with no nudging from Him.
i can't seem to focus on what i want to say. i keep doing a dance around it. It may be a ballet, but i am dancing around my nebulous thought nonetheless.
