i know Master reads my journal. He made a comment. It makes me feel good to know i am missed. It makes me nervous that He thinks i need to be retrained. i know He is joking about the journal. i hope He is joking about other forms of training.
Mother and i took Sister and her spouse out for dinner tonight. We went Mexican. It is so great to be able to get reasonably authentic Mexican. Beats the heck out of the stuff that passes for Mexican in Kuwait. And the magaritas are killer.
i took Mother to the bank today to put her settlement check in a safe place until the financial manager gets back from his vacation. She wanted to just put it in the bank box, but i think she finally decided to put it into checking. Even .75% is better than nothing. Once she talks to the financial analyst she can invest it and hopefully earn a bit more. i don't dare hope that the market has bottomed out and is on an upward trend. She also put the new will in the bank box. She asked if i wanted to see it, but i declined. At this point, it's not my business. i know i'm getting the gate-legged table and the lamp and tripod from her mother. i had only asked for one thing for certain, but then asked if i could have two, one for each of my children. i will not argue with my brother and sister over her estate. i will not.
After the bank we stopped at a consignment furniture store. i found a recliner for Daughter and S.O. i don't want them to feel badly about being given so much, so i called her and told her i had found a chair for $30 and wondered if that could be in her budget this month. i will pay the difference, but she doesn't need to know that. Perhaps i will tell her it was a bit more, and i paid the difference, but perhaps not. i'm happy i can be of help to them. i would much rather give them gifts now than wait until i'm gone and have them inherit. Then i won't be able to see them enjoy.
Son called the other day, upset. i mentioned something about the caddy and his wife told him. i can't understand why he and daughter want to keep that car. i mean i do understand, it is something from their father. What i don't understand is why it should mean so much to them. He did such a horrible thing to them when he took his life. He took the coward's way out. He was weak. i feel hurt, irrational, i know, that they want something of his. He was never there for them. He certainly did nothing to help them grow to become the excellent adults they are. They couldn't spend time with him after he remairried, new wife, not me. She was jealous of them, i suppose, but i think she may have learned what kind of man he was. Anyway, it hurts me. i guess i want them to dislike him as much as i do. Irrational, i know.
i shouldn't take vacations away from Master. i have too much time to think about our future. It frightens me. i think i am close to being branded. Then i think about not being with Him in the future. One theory i have is that every man i have loved has left me. Maybe i'm setting myself up for the same thing with Master. If i don't allow myself to become so emotionally attached to Him, it won't hurt so bad when He leaves. Then i think that this shows a great lack of trust on my part. He says He will be around a good long time and He wants me there with Him. Why can't i surrender myself to this idea? Maybe i'm not so close as i want to believe i am.
i think about what love is. How am i supposed to feel if i love Him? i have very strong feelings for Him. He is the most important thing in my life. He knows i will do anything He asks of me, in any sense of the phrase. i feel like i'm back at the beginning of this journal, nearly 2 1/2 years ago. The more we go around the more we come around? The deeper i think, the confuseder i get? bah
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
