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May. 10th, 2002 08:52 pmToday we dried sea salt in the oven. We went for an early morning swim. Ate brunch on the balcony and began working on cleaning out the play room. Some day, we may have a dungeon. Some day.
i have decided that Master and i can be together for the rest of our lives and i will never understand how He thinks. Sometimes we can get to the same place and even almost at the same time, but never in the same direction. Sometimes, i just can't understan how He can't see how logical my way is, and how illogical HIS way is. Perhaps that is what makes us so good together. Who knows?
i'm beginning to feel more and more isolated from my family and i hate it. i hate the anger i am feeling toward my sister and her husband. i know it is jealousy. He is her best friend now, and i have to take second place. i know it, but i don't have to like it. These feelings are making it very difficult for me to get excited about going home in July.
i wouldn't except for my mother. i would hate to think the last time i saw her was last year.
All kinds of thoughts of meanness are running through my head all the time. Ways to make my sister as sad as i am feeling about losing what we had for so long. i don't believe i will be spending any time at her house. i suppose it's fortunate that Mother is only a couple of blocks away from her. She can come to Mother's if she wants to see me.
i keep trying to think of things to do with Mother this summer. i know she's had a bad last 8 months. i know she enjoyed the train trip to California last year. i'm thinking of taking her to Birdwing Spa in Minnesota. It is very relaxing, and she doesn't have to do anything she doesn't want. But there are all kinds of exercise classes and swimming and hiking and canoing if she would like. i've sent her an email with the website. We'll see what she says.
If she doesn't want to do that, then i'm pretty sure i'm going to rent a car and take a week and drive to S. Carolina. Spend a few days there and then drive back by way of a different route. i've never driven a long way on my own. Always had someone to ride shotgun for me. i think it will be an interesting trip. Staying by myself in a motel, eating in a restaurant alone, being in the car and not having anyone tell me to turn the radio up/down/off, the a/c is too high, not high enough. Just me. Yea, just me.
i didn't drink enough water this weekend. i've done the same thing again. My weight is up. Last night i told Master He'd better find a punishment tool, i felt this was going to happen. He said i could have until Sunday to get myself into the right place. He also said i am going to have to drink more water. In the week, i can get it in no problem. Water before i ride, after i ride, a half liter on the way to work. another half on the way home. A half liter before dinner and one again before bath. On the weekends, i don't have that liter in the car. i must get into the right mode. Damn it's hard. And it sucks. And i want this weight gone yesterday.
i'm gone.
i have decided that Master and i can be together for the rest of our lives and i will never understand how He thinks. Sometimes we can get to the same place and even almost at the same time, but never in the same direction. Sometimes, i just can't understan how He can't see how logical my way is, and how illogical HIS way is. Perhaps that is what makes us so good together. Who knows?
i'm beginning to feel more and more isolated from my family and i hate it. i hate the anger i am feeling toward my sister and her husband. i know it is jealousy. He is her best friend now, and i have to take second place. i know it, but i don't have to like it. These feelings are making it very difficult for me to get excited about going home in July.
i wouldn't except for my mother. i would hate to think the last time i saw her was last year.
All kinds of thoughts of meanness are running through my head all the time. Ways to make my sister as sad as i am feeling about losing what we had for so long. i don't believe i will be spending any time at her house. i suppose it's fortunate that Mother is only a couple of blocks away from her. She can come to Mother's if she wants to see me.
i keep trying to think of things to do with Mother this summer. i know she's had a bad last 8 months. i know she enjoyed the train trip to California last year. i'm thinking of taking her to Birdwing Spa in Minnesota. It is very relaxing, and she doesn't have to do anything she doesn't want. But there are all kinds of exercise classes and swimming and hiking and canoing if she would like. i've sent her an email with the website. We'll see what she says.
If she doesn't want to do that, then i'm pretty sure i'm going to rent a car and take a week and drive to S. Carolina. Spend a few days there and then drive back by way of a different route. i've never driven a long way on my own. Always had someone to ride shotgun for me. i think it will be an interesting trip. Staying by myself in a motel, eating in a restaurant alone, being in the car and not having anyone tell me to turn the radio up/down/off, the a/c is too high, not high enough. Just me. Yea, just me.
i didn't drink enough water this weekend. i've done the same thing again. My weight is up. Last night i told Master He'd better find a punishment tool, i felt this was going to happen. He said i could have until Sunday to get myself into the right place. He also said i am going to have to drink more water. In the week, i can get it in no problem. Water before i ride, after i ride, a half liter on the way to work. another half on the way home. A half liter before dinner and one again before bath. On the weekends, i don't have that liter in the car. i must get into the right mode. Damn it's hard. And it sucks. And i want this weight gone yesterday.
i'm gone.
