21 days

Aug. 12th, 2002 10:34 pm
It is amazing to me how much time Mother and i can fritter away together. And enjoy it. We started out at Auntie Nurse's house. She and spouse are on vacation and Mother is watching the cats. Cliff, the old man of 14 years, is beginning to show his age. Sister wants us to be especially watchful of him. Make sure the step stool is up near the counter so he can climb up, get on the microwave, onto the top of the refrigerator and to his perch on top of the cupboards. The drapes on the patio door are to open a bit so Sadie and Phil can watch the birds and try to entice the chipmunk to dinner, and there is to lots of food out for Libby, aka Tiny so she won't think she's too fat. Mother is spending the night there, so i have the evening alone.

Then we went to the broker's office. Mother had todo something with the final settlement from the divorce. Her broker is a very nice man. He was patient with her and spent quite awhile just chatting with her. Clark never let her have any say about the finances so all of this is new to her. i think she made wise choices. i hope she did. i agreed with them. She was thankful i was there. She just needs a bit of directed guidance. She doesn't want to be controlled, she wants to be taken care of. Sometimes i can see the difference, other times i can't. She doesn't like to be told what to do, but needs to have pointed suggestions so she thinks it's her idea.

Then we went vacuum shopping. The easiest job of the day. Took about 15 minutes, just enough time for the sales man to go through his schtick and the next thing there is an eight pound vaccum in the back seat of the car. i think she really wanted that. My b'day present to her. Now she wants me to vacuum the house. Some people are just never satisfied.

On to the super market for a few things and more of her meds. The docs never seem to prescribe anything inexpensive for her. Back home about 5:30. We'd been gone all day and we didn't even try.

Spoke with Daughter tonight. i jokingly asked her if she had a seizure Saturday night. i wanted to know if it was only her family who caused her to have them, or if his family did too. She had a grand mal. Now i am frightened. Ever since i spoke to her i have a feeling of unease, dread, uncomfortableness. i feel like less a mother because i cannot take care of my daughter. It doesn't matter that she is an adult, she is my baby girl and i can't make the bad go away. We talked and i tried to convince her to be assertive with her doc. Explain that if the doc doesn't feel comfortable with her as a patient to either refer her to someone who is more of an expert on this problem or to another doc completely. One who is willing to work with my daughter. She has the right to as good a quality of life as she can have. She doesn't have to have seizures. There is medication to control them. It may take time to figure out the right recipe but she shouoldn't have to worry about leaving the house. i should not have been a mother. i'm no good at it at all.

Master sent me a picture of Max. He is getting so big. And his ears are still huge. i thought maybe he'd grow into them, but i believe they are growing right along with the rest of his body. i love to read what Master writes about Max. They do get along well. Even when Max makes a mistake, Master can laff about it. He can't fool me, He likes that dog. i just hope Max remembers me when i get back in three weeks. Three weeks. Twent-one days. It is too far away yet to count the hours and minutes, but i will, before i'm out of here, i will know down to the half hour how much time left before i see Him. He told me today that He has already sent in the papers for the Wednesday after i get back off. And, the surprises. He won't tell me what they are. He likes the tease

21 days

Aug. 12th, 2002 09:14 am
Master has surprises for me and won't tell me what they are. That's mean.

i said so much in my response to veil, and then wrote the three good things, now i'm all out of stuff to say.

Will take notes for tonight.
i know Master reads my journal. He made a comment. It makes me feel good to know i am missed. It makes me nervous that He thinks i need to be retrained. i know He is joking about the journal. i hope He is joking about other forms of training.

Mother and i took Sister and her spouse out for dinner tonight. We went Mexican. It is so great to be able to get reasonably authentic Mexican. Beats the heck out of the stuff that passes for Mexican in Kuwait. And the magaritas are killer.

i took Mother to the bank today to put her settlement check in a safe place until the financial manager gets back from his vacation. She wanted to just put it in the bank box, but i think she finally decided to put it into checking. Even .75% is better than nothing. Once she talks to the financial analyst she can invest it and hopefully earn a bit more. i don't dare hope that the market has bottomed out and is on an upward trend. She also put the new will in the bank box. She asked if i wanted to see it, but i declined. At this point, it's not my business. i know i'm getting the gate-legged table and the lamp and tripod from her mother. i had only asked for one thing for certain, but then asked if i could have two, one for each of my children. i will not argue with my brother and sister over her estate. i will not.

After the bank we stopped at a consignment furniture store. i found a recliner for Daughter and S.O. i don't want them to feel badly about being given so much, so i called her and told her i had found a chair for $30 and wondered if that could be in her budget this month. i will pay the difference, but she doesn't need to know that. Perhaps i will tell her it was a bit more, and i paid the difference, but perhaps not. i'm happy i can be of help to them. i would much rather give them gifts now than wait until i'm gone and have them inherit. Then i won't be able to see them enjoy.

Son called the other day, upset. i mentioned something about the caddy and his wife told him. i can't understand why he and daughter want to keep that car. i mean i do understand, it is something from their father. What i don't understand is why it should mean so much to them. He did such a horrible thing to them when he took his life. He took the coward's way out. He was weak. i feel hurt, irrational, i know, that they want something of his. He was never there for them. He certainly did nothing to help them grow to become the excellent adults they are. They couldn't spend time with him after he remairried, new wife, not me. She was jealous of them, i suppose, but i think she may have learned what kind of man he was. Anyway, it hurts me. i guess i want them to dislike him as much as i do. Irrational, i know.

i shouldn't take vacations away from Master. i have too much time to think about our future. It frightens me. i think i am close to being branded. Then i think about not being with Him in the future. One theory i have is that every man i have loved has left me. Maybe i'm setting myself up for the same thing with Master. If i don't allow myself to become so emotionally attached to Him, it won't hurt so bad when He leaves. Then i think that this shows a great lack of trust on my part. He says He will be around a good long time and He wants me there with Him. Why can't i surrender myself to this idea? Maybe i'm not so close as i want to believe i am.

i think about what love is. How am i supposed to feel if i love Him? i have very strong feelings for Him. He is the most important thing in my life. He knows i will do anything He asks of me, in any sense of the phrase. i feel like i'm back at the beginning of this journal, nearly 2 1/2 years ago. The more we go around the more we come around? The deeper i think, the confuseder i get? bah
i have to get back into the swing of writing in my journal. Being away from it for a week at first was difficult, but as the week went by, it became easier and easier to forget about it. i have several things about my trip i want to write about in more detail. i decided this evening that driving all that way by myself was much more stressful than i anticipated. All i wanted to do today was sleep. i'm guessing it is the let down from the excitement of being on my own. And now, again, i'm tired, so the journal will have to wait till tomorro
i took Mother up to Hammond, Wisconsin yesterday for a visit with her cousin. It was a nice visit. i love watching these two interact with each other. They have always been close, it goes way back to when they were kids and lived in the same neighborhood, i think. Helen was a gym teacher and a music teacher, she married a man who was political and quite inventive. They had two sons, but one died quite young. He was a Down's child, i think Mother said. They had a cabin on a lake in Minnesota. i can remember going there as a child. Helen's son had a speed boat and took Daddy and i out for a ride. i was thrilled. Maybe that's where i got my fetish for speed. He must be about 10 years older than me, and i was madly in love with him. i think it was the boat.

We left home about 9 a.m. and didn't get back until nearly midnight. Had a very nice visit, good trip up there, then decided to do the annual 'leave $20 at the casino' to boost the Native American economy. Mother had a bit of difficulty with that. She kept winning. Finally i had to take a roll of her nickles and show her how it is done. Then when i spoke with Master this morning, He said that sometimes people actually are allowed to win, it's good advertising. Sheesh, why didn't someone tell me that three years ago?

i have rented a car for the Charleston trip. i told Woowoo if she isn't going to be home just leave the key under the mat. i'd water the flowers and feed the cat while i was there. i hope Beth and i can meet for coffee at least. And Woowoo has said other people i met in the past have been asking about me. That pleases me. i am not comfortable meeting new people and am always concerned about the impression i give out.

Today i hope to spend with Son and family. i'm waiting for his phone call to see what's up. Don't know for sure what we will do, maybe just be at his house taking care of the kids. i thought about taking them to the water park, but i think wife might be hurt that she didn't get to go along. So that will be put on hold. i have to check the grass. Maybe we can convince him to bring the mower along to do Mother's yard. Of course, today is supposed to be much warmer than yesterday, but not so much humidity so maybe he will bite on that invite.

Got the scrip from Doc. She gave me 4 refills. Now the problem will be getting all four refills before i leave. It is a table/schedule 2 drug, and the pharmacist can't give out more at one time than is on the prescription. i'm sure Doc will do this, she wrote on the pad that patient lives out of the country, but the pharmacist said it must come from the doc. i have time, so i'm not too worried. This is the only country i have been in where the government doesn't believe people can take care of themselves. In Taiwan i could buy this over the counter. In Kuwait, this drug is only available to first-class Kuwaitis. But they can buy it over the counter also. Now i'm not knocking being a citizen of the United States. I wouldn't relinquish my citizenship for anything. But it does bust my chops when i realize how much the government meddles in my life because the government people don't believe we know how to take care of ourselves. Big Brother may not be watching, but he sure is taking care of m
Got the ok from Woowoo to spend a week in Chas. this year. She said it was a big sacrifice but she was willing to make it. Now i'll order the ticket online, that is if i can ever manage to get my credit card in the same place as the computer. Having a two story house is not all it's cracked up to be when the mind is not as good as it should be.

Got a phone call from Son last night. He has an interview at Deere's tonight but yesterday the car died on them. Wife has to take the truck to work and can't be home in time to take him to the interview so he wanted to know if i would pick him up after work and take him. Of course i said yes. i have no idea what happened to the car, they've been messing with it trying to get it in shape for the longest time. They want to get another but the time just isn't right for that yet. i know he is beginning to think that everytime he gets one step ahead something happens to knock him four steps back. i worry about him a lot because of his father. i don't want him to give up like his father did. i have read that some, men especially, believe that they are doomed to repeat their father's folly andend up taking their own lives. i don't want that for my son, and i don't know how to prevent it. i would give anything and my arm to make his life peaceful, but i don't know how to kill that demon. It scares me.

Talked to Daughter today too. S.O. had his tests on Tuesday and everything went ok. They are waiting on the results from the doc. She also said she got her meds changed too. Adds another 1/2 pill to the night mixture. i spoke with Auntie Nurse about that, even after all these years, and i KNOW it was nothing i did to contribute to her losing her sight, i can't help but feel guilty.
She is such a good person. i am so lucky she is my daughter. Auntie Nurse said the dose, even with the addition, is still very low. And she is having very few side effects so there is not much to worry about along those lines. The bigger thing is how to get her not to stress out so she is more susceptible to the seizure. Auntie Nurse said maybe she should ask her doc for an anti-anxiety med she can take when she knows she is getting stressed. Sure, sure, another pill in the soup. And i just ragged Mother about how taking medication is not a bad thing. If it helps the quality of your life, you should not feel bad about taking it. And then i bitch because Daughter must take a (figurative) bowl full of meds each day to allow her to have a good quality life. i guess i'm just a born complainer. Nothing satisfies me.

If i were tall, i'd want to be short, if i had black hair i'd want red, if i had brown eyes, i'd want blue. i'm just never satisfied. My bad
Son came down to pick me up yesterday. He brought the kiddlettes down with him so he didn't have to pay for a day at day care. Got to Daughter's house just about 11. We had some pizza and loaded up the trunk with my bags and got on the road again before 12:30. He had to be back to pick up his wife at work by 4. He brought Mother's car, it would have been a bit crowded in his truck. We had a nice trip back. Andy isn't on his meds for the summer. i don't know if it's a cost cutting measure or not. He loses focus very easily and is much more restless now, but not out of the scope of being able to be dealt with. Bizzy knows she can get him in trouble and does it all the time. But they are just kids.

Sister and her unit came up last night for a short visit. He is going to Pennsylvania on Friday for the weekend. She has Friday off and Monday, but has to work the weekend. i don't know what we will do, but i'm pretty sure Mother will want to do something. i have to take her to the counselor on Thursday and then she has another appointment one day next week. No problem. i feel i have to take over most of the chores while i'm here because Sister has had the burden all year. Mother said they have been very good to her, and i'm happy for that. i do believe that if Sister and hers weren't 'older' this situation would have caused problems for them, being just newly married and all. But they seem to be handling it all quite well. Now it's my turn so they can have a breather.

i have to call Connie today. i need to hear her voice. i love it when Ellen and she and i can be together but Ellen tends to hog the conversation so Connie and i don't get much chance to talk. Unless of course it's at the lake and we have gotten Ellen soused and sent her to bed. Of course that means that Connie and i are also in that condition, but boy o man do we have some good conversations. Being away from friends like these two is just another hard part of living so far away from home. The three of us have gone through a lot together and i still haven't forgiven Barb for dying. And we still talk about her and with her when the rest of us get together.

Mother has a nice little house. She has way more stuff than she needs to fill it. Makes negotiating the rooms a bit hazardous. The fireplace is a real draw. And she has a dishwasher and a self-cleaning oven. Mighty high on my list of priorities. Nice carpet throughout the place. The stairway is a bit narrow, but i guess that will make it easier for her or me to bounce against if we lose our step or our knees go out. Nice yard, son is the gardener, and a nice little back deck. Big enough for a porch glider and a couple of chairs. Nice quiet neighborhood, and just a couple of blocks from Sister. Mother can walk down to her house but hasn't been able to make it back up the hill home. Sister has a bike now so she and hers can ride up here, but they haven't managed that yet. The uphill part is a bit tough for her. Not used to it, i guess. But they do manage to ride home.

It's nice she has a bike. Right near here is a beautiful nature trail and bike path. Maybe she'll let me borrow the bike and ride for exercise. Maybe we can even ride together, but i doubt it, because his bike will be way to tall for me. Time will tell
Mother and i went shopping yesterday. First to the pet store, then the dress store, then lunch. On the way home i tried to make a doctor's appointment, but the earliest i could get in was in October. And that isn't going to work. Also called the ophthalmologist about an apointment. That was also nearly a fiasco, but i'm willing to see any one so i set that for July 30.

At the pet store i met up with the son of one of Daugher's ex-relationships. i'm so happy to see it appears son is cut from a whole 'nuther bolt of cloth than dad. He doesn't even want to haev anything to do with dad anymore and all i can say is more power to him. He is married now, has two children, and seems to have a work ethic that is entirely foreign to his father. He's he'd a the same job for nearly two years. His step sister is on the road to hell and i fully expect her to end up in juvie before she hits 16, probably pregnant the second time before then too. She is living with her dad, the state took her away from her bio mother because of OUIs so i don't hold out much hope for her. The poor thing only needs love and attention, but living with her father is not going to get her the right kind of either. i'm so glad Daughter is not a part of that mess anymore.

Ellen stopped by last night after work. We are going to go out for dinner about 5 then meet up with Connie about 6:30. Don't know if Mother will come with us to Connie, but i suppose that will be alright. Ellen said John is getting a checking account of his own, and she doesn't like that idea much. She hopes it doesn't indicate anything future plans. i don't see it, but John has always been quiet, so i really don't know. My belief is they are finally in a place where she can save most of her money and this is his way of telling her that. i say she should buy a boat. Then see how he feels about separate checking accounts.

i tried to see the kids yesterday, but when i called there was no answer. Daughter-in-law has today off also, so we may try that one again today.

i miss Master. i've been reading the goings on on the list. Seems people allow themselves to get all het up by someone they don't even know. Doesn't make sense to me. Just because one person says it's so, and uses pseudoscientific terms, and presents ideas in a way that is quite eloquent, doesn't make it so. i have never understood the need to explain or try to convince another of something that is so far down on the scale of priorities in life as to lose one's temper. i can understand how one would feel condescended to by the way another writes, but sheesh, if that's what rows someone's boat what does it matter? it's always good for a laugh a few days later, no matter what the outcome of the discussion. Apparently some people need to feel right to feel validated. Too bad when two some peoples get on the same topic. Sister's husband tried to get into that one with me once. He was wrong, i told him he was wrong, this was one area in which i had more experience than he, but he wasn't going to accept my word. Ok by me, it was not a life threatening sort of thing and he is entitled to his opinion. Someday he will meet up with someone else who knows he is wrong. Maybe that person will have enough clout with him to make him see the error of his thinking. Then again, maybe not. Who cares?

i've been trying to find a ticket to South Carolina. Ellen says John has done their last ones to Albany over the net. i tried last night and couldn't find anything suitable. She said airlines are no longer subsidizing travel agents so tickets have an added handling fee. BAh! i really really want to drive, but am having trouble justifying to myself the cost of driving versus the cost of flying, and Woowoo said she would pick me up at the airport. i guess i'll go struggle with the ticket thing again. Maybe i can take a train.
The Daughter and S.O. stopped smoking yesterday. Good thing it was Sunday because he was worthless. Spent the whole day either in bed or sleeping in his chair. About the only useful thing he did was to water the big plant. i'm not sure he even read a book. i'm not complaining about him, i just didn't realize trying to quit would effect a person that way.

Master seems to think someone has hacked my computer. i don't know if that means this computer too, or only the one in Kuwait. When we were talking yesterday He kept getting strange messages. Nothing bad, just a bunch of letters and symbols that make no sense. And, they didn't show up in my history and were sent at times when i sent nothing. Weird, eh?

This morning Son is coming down to take me to Mother's. First, we will have to go back to the airport to return the car. And he has to be back in Waverly to pick up his spousal unit by 4:00. i know Daughter was hoping they would have some time for a visit. And he said there would be, but not much. He hopes to be here before 11:00. It's at least 40 minutes to the airport, and from there 2 1/2 hrs. to Mother's. Then another 40 min. to Waverly. He is going to have a long driving day. i hope to bring Mother down here for a day to visit. She hasn't seen the kid's new place. i know Daughter would like to show it off.

Yesterday Daughter and i took a drive. We took the camera and we took some pictures. Most of them are boring, of corn and beans and clouds and trees. The yearning i get in the land of terminal beige to see green is sometimes overpowering. i have decided i will get these developed and make a collage entitled 'Green.' i will hang it in my office so i can look at it whenever i get down. And, i'll be able to give students some idea of what another part of the world looks like.

i also talked with Woowoo yesterday. Seems the Colo munch group is having a bootblack party/munch the twoth of August. She is wondering if i can be down there for it. i haven't decided if i want to drive or fly. Really i want to drive, but i don't want to pay to rent a car. Tomorrow i will check into tickets. i wonder if i could take a train? She said she has her ring. Now they just have to set a date. i keep hinting but i'm pretty sure it won't happen in August. Drat.

i love the sprint telephone commercials.
We got her computer back yesterday afternoon. i'm not sure it's completely repaired, the fatal error message still comes up, but so far it has only happened once. The shop reformatted her hard drive. It does run much faster now, i have to say that, the the fatal message error bothers me. she'll have to call the shop tomorrow and talk to them about it. i don't know how they can get it into Ames to have it checked again. Maybe she can just get them to commit to the fact that it was there and next month when i come back we can take it in again. Who knows.

It seems ages since i've spoken with Master. i sort of expected to catch Him on the computer this morning. Maybe He had something after work. i'm sure i'll be able to talk with Him today sometime. i hope, i hope.

i've been having a really nice visit with the Daughter. i'm so proud of her. She amazes me in with what all she does for him. Sometimes he gets on my nerves a bit. i know he's not lazy and i know he is a worrier, some of it is his meds, and some of it is genes, but i really have to give Daughter credit for being able to deal with him so well. He needs care, and she is certainly able and willing to give it. And i know he knows just how lucky he is to have her. Personally, i think she could do better if she wanted, or if something happened to him, but for now she needs to be a care giver and she is doing a very fine job of it.

i am so lucky that i have two amazing children. And so proud to say i would like them even if they weren't mine. Some people aren't that lucky, i think, and i am ever so grateful that i am. They grew up to be fine adults in spite of me for a mother. i must have done something right. Being a parent was not an easy job for me. It didn't come naturally to me as it did to some of my friends. If i believed in reincarnation, i would think this is the first life i ever had children. i'm glad i managed to get two keepers, because i wouldn't do it again for all the money in the world.

Well, i have hit the big three now, so i can say i have shopped. Daughter, S.O. and i went to KMart on Tuesday, Target on Thursday, and yesterday she and i went to Wal Mart. Yowzzah! Apparently women who shop at these stores in Iowa never wear dresses. We sort of schmoozed through the clothing departments of all three of them and i didn't see one dress. Saw several skirts with matching blouses, but not one dress. Oh well, my favorite shop in my hometown will be having it's end of summer sale. i always manage to find lots and lots of things there.

Today i think we are going to take a drive down some country roads. S.O. doesn't get such a kick out of that and i guess i can understand, not being able to see what's out there. But Daughter is in the same boat and she likes to ride. Perhaps it's how they were raised. For us, Sunday afternoon road trips with a picnic lunch were a treat. The kids and i discovered all sorts of neat places on the average Sunday afternoon. i want to get some pictures of the land in Iowa. Most of my students haven't seen so much green in one place at one time. Maybe just to be nasty, i'll take a picture or two of the odd hog. That should be some fun.

Tomorrow Son is coming down to get me and take me back to Mother's. It will be nice to have him for myself for a few hours. i don't seem to be able to spend so much time with him when i'm home. He has responsibilities of family, and that gets in the way. i like his wife and her children very much, but sometimes i just want to be with him. He took his dad's death very hard and i have yet to make sure for myself that he has come to terms with it. The trip back tomorrow may provide that chance.
The good news is, the plane was only 15 minutes late. The bad news is I became the rude passenger everyone tells their families about. On the whole 15 hour flight from Kuwait to Chicago the a/c in my section of the plane was out. Finally, after becoming completely drenched with sweat i began asking the flight attendants to see if something could be done. The first one said air was coming out of the vent and walked away. The second one said she would go see what she could do and walked away. The third was a man and he said he would personally take care of it and walked away. About 20 minutes later he came back and said i should begin feeling coolness in about 20 minutes. i waited 45 and nothing changed. i was sitting on the arm of my seat when another attendant came down the aisle. He asked me to please move so he could pass by. i asked him to feel the air coming from the vent. i told him another steward had assured me 45 minutes before that i should be feeling cool air by this time and i wasn't. i wanted to move. i said i didn't care if he put me in business, i didn't expect to be served there, i just needed a comfortable place to be for the rest of the trip. He said he couldn't put me in business, i said he better find some place because i was not comfortable. He said he woulld see what he could do and i was to follow him. i'm sure he wanted to get me away from the other passengers before a riot started because the others were agreeing with me. He told me it may be a mechanical failure and i asked him why no other attendent had felt the need to explain to us, but i still wanted to move. He found me a seat, but everyone around me avoided me like the plague. They must have thought i was crazy, Duh! Today we Daughter and S.O. and i went shopping and out for dinner. Their new apartment is really nice, but it doesn't have central air, and guess whose room doesn't have a window unit. Fortunately they have an extra fan so last night i wasn't too bad. Actually i think i could have slept in an oven, oh wait, that's iowa's nick name, last night because i was so tired. i'm trying to hang on until 11 tonight so i can get on some sort of schedule. Tomorrow both Daughter and S.O. need to have some blood work done. She is having seizures again and that shouldn't happen. She's going in for a med level check. She may have to have some meds. increased. Drat. She had one yesterday and has had two today. Not big ones, but tonight she went into one right in the middle of a joke. No consideration at all, that girl. After the blood tests i think we will take a drive to Mother's for the day. Something different to do. Son has to work all day so i won't be able to see him, and i don't know about sister, will have to see what tomorrow brings.

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Julia Klein

July 2017

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