Some people are just too much work to have as friends. i had worked on a friendship with two people like that in Taiwan, and now it appears i'm in one here too. Is there something about me that attracts this sort of person? What is the deal?

i realized a long time ago, that people i would be friendly with overseas, are not the same people i would choose as friends in the states. The pool is too shallow. There are not enough of us over here. i have had to make adjustments in my views of what i would accept as a friend in a foreign country. This is something everyone who lives overseas has to do.

i try to create a friendly atmosphere with the people i work with. i try to be open to a friendly relationship with the 'natives'. Here it is much more difficult than it ever was in Taiwan. Here, there is a paranoia about us infidels. i think some of the arabs, bedouins especially, believe we will damn them forever if they even smile at us. i've had small children shake their fists at me in a menacing manner. Simply because i am not one of them.

This isn't about them. It's about trying to like a person who is very difficult to be liked. In the land of my birth, i would just say fuck it and be done with it. There are all kinds of other people in the world to choose to have as friends. Here it's a bit different. There aren't hundreds of others to choose from. And, although i don't think of myself as an elitist, there are people here with whom i just have nothing in common. That narrows the pool even more.

This isn't coming out right. It isn't a pity party. It's part anger at a woman who makes it difficult to befriend, it's part frustration because she does make it so difficult, and it's part loneliness. i can hang out with anybody, i'm pretty adaptable, but it's nice to have someone who's been there done that just like i have.

i made myself a promise that i would not erase anything i wrote here. Sometimes i forget this is able to be read by others, and i write stupid shitty stuff. This one isn't going well. It sucks. i need a female friend. The one i have is hard work and i just get tired of having to work so hard. i don't want to have to tippy-toe around her so i don't get her upset and then have her go off in a pout. i don't want to have to watch what i say to others in her presence and then have her come into my office and garp at me for something she perceived happened, but meant nothing to me. i don't want to allow her to hurt me with her insensitive selfishness.

This sucks. shut up julia.
ok i will.
i'm gone
fuck it

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Julia Klein

September 2017

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