It was a grand day today. i got some pain, and great sex, thank you Master. i got bound spread eagle on the bed, got marks that are really scarey looking and make me a bit nervous. i hope they are gone before i leave for home. No i don't. Yes i do, no i don't. i've been in that sort of mindset all afternoon.

We took a drive to the scrap yard this afternoon, my second favorite place in Kuwait. Terrible sand storm, great walls of sand blowing across the road. Looked out my window once and saw a sand tornado-like spiral moving over the desert. We had to keep Max in sight on his run today. If he stopped to play with something he'd found, there was danger he might become a dune. We didn't run him so long, the weather was really terrible.

After the trip to Jahra, we went out for dinner. The last time we played Master took me out for dinner at the same restaurant. i asked Him today if this was going to become part of the tradition. He smiled.

He seems to have changed since coming back. Maybe He's finally realized how important pain is to my life. He learned a new fact today. Great sex, lowers the blood pressure. Maybe that will help me get more of what i crave.
The good news is, i have some time to myself this evening. The bad news is Emerson needs a new engine. The good news is, tomorrow we get to go to the scrap yard to see about getting said engine. The bad news is, this is more dinars i'm putting into the money pit on wheels. It wouldn't hurt nearly so much if i weren't going home in three weeks. i mean it would still hurt, but i want money moeny money to spend at home. i want to buy daughter a new computer desk, i want to buy son something new for his computer. i want to take daughter on a trip and give some money to son and his wife for their vacation. i will still be able to do these things, my head knows this. My heart sees the dinars flying out the window and thinks i am broke. i am not.

i talked with daughter today. She sounds good. i believe everyone is relieved the move is over. Now the unpacking can begin. i told her if 'my' bedroom isn't emptied of all the boxes by the time i'm ready to be there, i can always stay another night or two in New York. She laughed and said they were saving boxes just for me to unpack. She is such a thoughtful child.

Master must have read yesterday's journal entry. i got a good (meaning very very bad) caning this morning. i hope no marks were left. It will be a bit difficult explaining them to the woman who does the sheera on Saturday. My cunt and breasts are very tender right now. i learned something today. A good (bad) caning, brings down my blood pressure. i am not sure this is information i want Master to have.

We went to the Ikea store too, today. Found all the things we wanted, and in our haste, forgot to measure the length of the shades we bought. Both are too short. i honestly think Master was looking for an excuse to go back early tomorrow morning and get a couple more baby bear claws at the Ikea bakery. The ones we had today were very fresh out of the oven. Still warm in the box when we got to the car. Of course that had nothing to do with the outside temp.

Got new brakes on Master's car. That was an added bonus. He wasn't intending to do that, but on the way out of the Ikea parking lot, He hit metal to metal on the brake. i have straightened out my car log, and now Master is shopping. He enjoys that, i don't and fortunately tonight He didn't ask me to go.
July 3, 2003

It has been a most fine day. Master let me sleep in until almost 8 this morning. i woke up to the smell of blueberry muffins. Master didn't make coffee because He didn't know when i'd wake and He knows i like it fresh. Then He let me do some work, He took a nap so He wouldn't bother me. Told me to come in and wake Him in an hour. Worked out just fine. What i had to do took just about an hour to get ready and out. i went in to wake Master and He told me to get undressed and lay with Him in bed.

And then He blindfolded me and put on my collar and cuffs. And proceeded to give me an excellent time of erotic torture and pain. Zipper on the labia. i knew He was putting clamps on but i lost track of how many. i should have known something was coming when He asked if i was ready to take them off. He told me to put His pillow over my face and told me to cum. Then He peeled me off the ceiling. Even now thinking about it makes me want to cum again.

He found a new and unusual use for the back scratcher. Amazing to use on feet. And i love the scratches on my back. The back of my bra causes just enough pain to be a constant reminder as it rubs across the scratches. He let me have the vibrator until i was weak and helpless. Then He did some anal things and used the beads. The whole time came as a complete surprise. Made all the more special because He had had it planned. The day was all roses and sunshine from there on.

He took me out to a late lunch/early dinner and a bit of shopping. Bought some hair stuff and looked at things that are on sale at 70% off because they are too tacky for even Kuwaitis to want.

Came home and got Max, and took him to the Vet on the way out to his run. He was so good we stopped at MacDonalds after the run and got him an icecream. Came home again, and trench in front of the car park entrance had been filled in. All in all a marvelous day. Got home in time to talk to Daughter with no thought all day long of trying to hurry. Only bad thing to happen is Daughter is not online tonight.

Thank you Master for an exceptional day. Pleasant, erotic, filled with good food, and fine comanpy. i am most content. Thank you for a wonderful anniversary of my arrival in Kuwait and our life together real time.
This day has not gone the way i wanted it to go. i suppose i was fantasizing all hearts and roses and whispering breezes and billowing clouds. What i got was broken dishes, a car stranded in the desert and someone putting words in my mouth when i have tried explaining my relationship with Master.

The broken dishes i don't care about. Actually they weren't dishes they were glasses. Today i killed three of them. i never really liked them, and i didn't drop them on purpose. i've always had a problem holding on to things. There was a time when i considered going to a specialist because i was always dropping things. For whatever reason that did not get accomplished. i have trained myself to be more focused when i pick something up now, so days can go by without me dropping something. Then there are days like today. Three separate times, three separate glasses. Broken. Three separate messes to clean up. Two after i had mopped the kitchen floor to pick up any shards the broom might have missed. i didn't cut myself, another problem i seem to have with objects with a sharp edge, which is about the only good thing i can say.

This was supposed to be my week of vacation before summer school. i've gone into work everyday. i've had to be the bearer of bad news, among other things, and i've had to listen to the VDSA explain to me why talking to a teacher about a third section of summer school was after i had patiently explained to him the reasons we couldn't do it, one of them being there are no teachers available, was not the same as going behind my back so he can stay the 'good ol' boy' to the students and make me,the foreign infidel, the baddie. The work is done and i have the weekend to spend with Master. A lot of good that is going to do me.

Emerson may have to be on life support for a while. Master said the minor problems i've been having with the car would not become major problems for a long time. Certainly not before He got back here. He was just about right. i wasn't paying attention on the run today. i was watching Max bedevil a piece of plywood. The car stalled and the engine died and i couldn't get it started again. It is my fault, i suppose, i tempted the fates by thinking i should call G and ask him if he wanted to meet me in the desert one last time for old time's sake. (private joke) i never should have given that thought head room. because that is just exactly what i had to do. He couldn't get Emerson started so there he sits, alone and lonely in the desert. Perhaps a lizard will be his companion for the night to keep him from being afraid. i hope there are no wild parties out there tonight with irresponsible kuwaiti males finding Emerson and beating him up just because they can.

i know better than to try to describe my life to someone who doesn't know me. Now i have several people i don't know from Adam, who think they know what i mean but don't look at the words i write. Arm chair psychologists who know a few buzzwords and have the jargon of alternative living down, but wouldn't know a fetish from a gnochi if one or the other them landed in their lap. i don't do it very often, and i'm not sure why i tried again. i now have to decide whether, yet again, i am going to have to go back and point out word by word that what they are telling me is not what i have written. Or, just let them think they have proved their point and leave.

It makes no difference to me what they believe they read i said. i will probably never meet them face-to-face and even if by chance one of them lived across the street from me, or in the same building as me, they would never know who i am. Why should i care what faceless strangers think about me and mine? Is it worth it? They are so het up on their own translation of my words they would argue with me anyway. And from what i've seen, i'm a far better word-smith than either of them. i can type rings around them, but do i want to make the effort? Right now, i think not.

My life is beautiful, ok, if the reader disregards the previous paragraphs of this entry, my life is beautiful. i am happy and i don't have to prove that to anyone. Why do i try? Who knows?

1 hour and four minutes and counting. i have to go bathe. G is taking me to the airport, so the welcome home will have to wait until Master is really home. But i can be clean and good smelling for Him on the drive back from the airport. i need to change the bed linen.
What did i get accomplished today? Nothing. i had to go into the office today because there were final exams. i stopped at the market and got a few things, got gas so i could take the dog out, did that and came home. Max decided i wanted to get up at 5:30 this morning. It's now 12:01 tomorrow and that is what i did. i read some and watched the movie Pearl Harbor. When i wake up today i must do something worthwhile.

Mother Should be just about in CA by now. i hope she has a good time. Daughter must have got a better offer than to talk to me today. i hope she has a good time.

i've been trying to be reflective about my life, but i guess it's just not in me. Someone asked what the dynamic of our relationship is. Not specifically me and mine, but a nice question, nonetheless. i've been giving that some mighty thought.

Our relationship: i guess one could say it is shared responsibility. It is my responsibility to take care of Him. To see that His life runs as smoothly as possible. It is my responsibility to make sure He has someone to listen to when He feels like talking. It is my responsibility to see that He has nutritious and well-prepared food, clean clothes, a comfortable home. It is my responsibility to be there when He needs me. My responsibilities run along those lines.

It is His responsibility to take care of me. He is to be there when i need someone to talk to. It is His responsibility to provide a place for me to be. He is to be sure there is food for me and clothes. His responsibility is to make sure i have reliable transportation. His responsibilities lie along those lines. He is to be there when i need Him.

We share the responsibility for our life together. We endeavor, each in our own way, to make what we have work. i was going to say most often it does. But that is not correct. It works. Sometimes there are a few wrinkles to iron out, using a shirt analogy, but even if the shirt has wrinkles it is still wearable. It might not be as presentable as one would like, but it is still wearable. Sometimes our life together has a few wrinkles, but it is still wearable. And i like it.

Sometimes i like to piss and moan. And that is also His responsibility. Sometimes i'm p'ing and m'ing about Him, so one could say He is responsible for it.Sometimes life gets me doing it. And His responsibility is to get me through it. It works both ways. When life puts Him in a foul mood, if women get bitchy, do men get bastardy?, it is my responsibility to see Him through it.

We took on these responsbilities willingly, eyes wide open when we entered into this relationship. We are here to help each other have a better life. We take our responsibilities seriously. Our life works.
i am still wearing the marks from Friday. Saturday i go for sheera....this will be a new experience...have never had marks and sheera before. Good thing Master will be gone by then. i might have official visitors that night.

i sent the first draft of the annual report out today for proofing. i wonder how much blue pencilling will be done on it? Also have the new teacher's handbook nearly complete. i wish i could be as content with the new English workbook for the third course. i'm having really bad feelings about how it is going to go as a summer course. With the students we will have it is going to be tough.

A meeting day tomorrow. With the VDSA, with the teachers, with two students. Then i'm home for a long weekend. Two days with Master and one without, and then a month without Him. The quiet will be nice. The distance between us will be good. When He comes home it will be like a brand new relationship all over again. i hate Him being gone, i love Him coming back.

small rant

Apr. 8th, 2003 07:32 pm
My computer is giving me fits. Master says He is going to look at it and see what He can do about it. BUT i guess it is on His time, not mine. i have finally gotten a promise from Him that He will work on it on Thursday morning. yea, right!

My mood is not very good today. i was going to say i don't understand why, but i do know. It is the computer. i hate it when Master says He will do something for me, and then my problem/request is not first priority. Makes me wonder just where i come on the priority list. Most days i believe it is somewhere after, waking up, eating, working, pee-ing, shitting, reading email, looking at porn sites, petting the dog, picking His teeth, scratching His ass, changing the light bulb on the right turn signal light on His car, trimming His toenails, opening the bedroom window, taking out the trash, oh no, wait, that is my job, buying too many heads of lettuce at the market because one box of local lettuce is 30 cents cheaper than one head of u.s. lettuce, ( but don't worry, we won't eat all those heads of lettuce before about 1/2 of them go bad, so we've really saved how much money?), trying to download every single MP3 there is out there along with any and all vidoes of any type that are available, taking a shower, feeding the dog, no, no, no, that is also my job, sending me email 'funnies' where even there i am at the very bottom of the list. Oh there i am. At the bottom of the list.

Well, not really at the bottom of the list, i am more important to Him than a used and broken toothpick, three peanuts, an empty ice cream carton, a broken screw driver, and a rusty hammer.

i realize i shouldn't expect to be the first priority all the time, or maybe even any of the time, but i don't know that i ever expected to be the top half of the bottom .05% all the time.

i wonder where i would come in a non-love relationship? Perhaps this is why i have been thinking along those lines. Non-love. Perhaps i expect to be a higher priority to Him because He says He loves me. Foolish me. If He didn't profess to love me, i wouldn't expect to be placed higher on His list of important things. But He says He does, and therefore, i can't help myself having misplaced expectations.

What to do, what to do, what to do.

Or am i just being a bitch. (rhetorical question--does not require an answer)




Or am i being a bitch?
Today was the best day i've had in a long time. i spent it at the computer, working on the class i start teaching tomorrow because one of the teachers has left for the states. A medical reason, but she could have had the procedure done her. She wanted to be out of here and now she is. She hopes, and so do i, that she will be back in two weeks. The war will be over, we all hope, by then, and she will have recouperated enough to be back. Otherwise she'll be gone for 4 weeks or more. i need this extra stress, the extra hours, the extra work like i need a hole in my head. This is why i get paid the big bucks. Yea!

i learned how to make graphs on the computer using excel. That was neat. i am going to be teaching another writing class, that is something i like to do. i just don't need to be doing it now. i have enough on my plate. Such is life.

We ate on the patio tonight. i have to get my telescope out, the view from up here is killer for the sky.

We seem to be always at each other lately. i meekly mentioned that perhaps our time together was coming to an end. He said, we should not make that decision now. There is too much at stake. He said i should wait and see what happens at the end of the school year. Those were comforting words. He understands the stress i am under. i get it from above and below, and as much as i try to keep work at work, i find it more and more difficult to do. i have to have some procedure or protocol to leave it at the door. i am happy to know He does not want me to leave. i'm happy to know i haven't made Him change His mind about how He feels about me. i don't want 'us' to end. But i don't want Him unhappy. i don't want to be a piece of baggage to Him that is no longer of service.

i need to learn how to put a link on my writing i think.i tend to get wordy and babble on.

Boy did i murder disintegrate last night.
i am feeling relieved. And a bit melancholy. Perhaps i am just tired.
Master has taken pity on my level of stress, and out of the blue i got several kinds of pain today. This morning, first thing. Then He brought me back, and i actually felt myself floating down. An odd experience that. There was binding, and wax, and clamps, and whips. He also tried knife work, and found i am not ready for that. i thought He cut me, and i cried. Not from the pain, from the fear of the cutting. i found out this afternoon, there was no blood, i guess that is what is called a nonconsentual mindfuck.

My tongue has been sore for about five days now. i know i'm not dehydrated, because i have been drinking the suggested amounts of water all the time. i also have a metalic taste in my mouth. Can't figure this one out. Will do a bit of research at the Faculty library on Sunday. See if i can come up with anything. Of course if it hurts too badly, perhaps i won't be able to eat. That wouldn't hurt for a week or five.

i may have to call Whacko Jacko and ask him for the number of his curse shaman. Someone, you know who you are, tempted the fates, and asked about wind and sand. Yesterday we had a very strong wind, but no sand. Today the fates, i'm not sure which one it is, decided to stir up the sand. Lovely weather today. Started out with the wind, then came the sand, then a bit of sun, but not enough to produce shade, then wind again, and finally rain, actually a mud storm. Dirty air+water falling from the sky=mud storm. The only good thing about the weather today is that tomorrow is a holiday. And a good thing too, i'm very tired today. i know why, and it's not bad, but i am tired.
Got to talk to a friend tonight. Haven't yakked at her in a while. Was a good thing. She and her dominant are going to be married this summer and are trying to work the wedding around the time i'm home. The problem is that right now i can't give them anything definite. Things will work out but right now i can't see how.

We started to make Kuwait, the Home Video today. It was a gorgeous day. Blue sky, blue water, and winds at about 60 knots. A bit brisk. Max and i took a walking tour of the apartment. He was quite the tour guide. We took the camera out with us to the desert today too. Doofy dog wouldn't cooperate. He was having all the fun on the other side of the car. Tricked him, though. Master took the camera and i took the wheel.

Got some good stuff of him running and then of Master and Max playing throw the stick/fetch and drop. i do believe Max has learned his lesson. When the ATVs came by he looked longingly at them but made no move to chase them. His left rear flank (?) is that what dogs have, appears to be a bit swollen but it didn't stop him from having a good romp. We took it a bit slower than normal, but it almost seemed as if the dog kept pushing us to go faster. Now he is doing his evening-after-the-desert-run ritual and snoozin' on the couch.

Daughter is feeling a bit better, but the cold is still there. She is losing weight, the good way, until she got sick. She lives farther from the store and post office and down town in general so she is walking more. She's dropped about 40 pounds near as she can tell or guess and i'm trying to figure out what she looks like. Her S.O.'s oldest son is getting married in May and i thought maybe i'd buy her a new dress, as step other of the groom, but now i have no idea what size to get. Kids! it's always something.

i got pain today. And marks. It's amazing how those endorphins can change one's whole outlook on life. And the sun was shining. So my batteries also got recharged.
Master has an anniversary next week. March 5 He will be in Kuwait 12 years. He came into Kuwait 5 days after the liberation of Kuwait from the Iraqi invasion. He was in Saudi during the war. He began His time with the Kuwait Airforce working on their planes during the war. The next time He will be working for the KAF from Dubai.

Max got hit by an ATV today. One came by him on the run, he took off after it, and wonder of wonders caught it. He came around head first into the ATV. He got hit on the left back thigh. Didn't break any bones or get cut or anything like that, but i'm sure he has a bruise. He doesn't seem to be favoring it or anything, but we shall wait until tomorrow and see what happens. If he shows any signs of pain i'll give him half an aspirin. He does take pills well.

It seems to me that another week will soon be gone with no pain for me. He keeps talking about it, but not doing anything. Is this what is known as a mind fuck? Something has to happen soon.

Since our anniversary i've felt myself becoming much more service oriented. It is difficult to do, because He does so much for himself. When i ask if He wants something He says He can get it himself. Sometimes it almost seems like an argument to get Him to allow me to do things for Him. i've also found myself picking up after Him. It seems i'm becoming His mother, putting things away for Him. I've decided it's easier to just follow around after Him putting this or that away or back where it belongs, than listen to Him moan and groan and piss and rant about where something is. He doesn't notice. Perhaps it is too soon. i'm not about to ask Him. It should not be my place to draw His attention to what i do. i have found myself biting my tongue more often and harder. i am not sure all is well between us. We get along fine, we enjoy each others' company, i have strong feelings for Him, He says He loves me, yet i feel something is missing.

Am i asking for too much? Am i expecting too much? Maybe now is not the time for these thoughts to be coming to the front. i am close to being afraid. There is so much going on. Am i changing maybe growing in another direction? Is it just the lack of pain that is making me think this way or is there something more lacking? Questions i have been trying to answer.
We went to the north today to the desert on a picnic. The dog had a great time, and so did i. i saw over 500 camels. Ugly animals but amazing. The sun was shining, but it was cool. i had on insulated underwear and sweats. i took along mittens and hat and lined jacket, but didn't need them. We left before it got dark. Max was excellent, he ignored the camels and the sheep and goats. He played around with his frizbee, but wouldn't let us throw it for him. He had more fun scratching at it with his paws trying to turn it over. Got some neato pictures of him to show the family. Now he is sleeping the sleep of the innocent on the floor at my feet.

i baked an excellent pie today. Let me rephrase that. The pie crust is killer. The filling could have been better. i thought i had enough apples to make a fresh apple pie, but didn't so i had to mix canned apples with the fresh. It is good, but would have been better all fresh.

Master is curious about my reaction to yesterdays play time. There was a great deal of humiliation yesterday. Probably more than we have ever done in the past. i have vague remembories of feeling pleased when he bound my feet. i remember thinking 'how neat, i wonder what it looks like?' and how aroused i get when my breasts are bound. He tied me spread eagle on the bed. By that time i was completely wherever it is i go. i don't remember after that, until He made me get up and walk with Him into the living room.

We have just moved. There are no drapes on the windows of either door or the wall of windows that face the sea. i don't know how this figures into what went on, but i do know i was aware of it. He said i cried. He would have enjoyed what it was i did more if it hadn't made me cry. i don't know what it was. i'm afraid to ask.

i am reminded of the ethics discussion on the list. The what if, why would you sort of thing. i can never answer those types of questions. Simply because that is not a part of my world. Perhaps i am more fortunate than some, Master and i are very well matched as regards things moral and ethical. If anything, i am less of each than he. i agree, though, with whoever said she would never just give blanket ok to anything. On the other hand, it is beyond my ability to believe that Master would require anything of me i was not capable of doing. He told me that and that is what i believe. Sort of like that old, god won't ever give you more than you can handle sop. Only in my life it is Master.

Master is updating His resume. There is an opportunity for Him to go to work with Boeing. He isn't sure He will take it, and it won't open up until March, but He is turning in the resume. Can't hurt. Reminds me, i have to find mine.
Last night i screamed at Master. i told Him to stay away from me. i told Him not to come into the kitchen. i threw things and screamed and slammed the door over and over and over in my frustration. i told Him i hoped He hurt Himself, when He came to see what was the matter. He has no clue what caused my fit. He thinks i slipped or fell off the kitchen step stool. i will not tell Him why i did what i did or said what i said. It won't make a difference. He won't change. If i want to live with Him i have to accept that. i am having such a hard time with this. It is probably the last thing in the way of my surrender.
Just another day in paradise, the third day of a four day weekend.

Master woke up before 6:30 and i started to haul myself out a few minutes later. When i asked to go to the bathroom, He told me to go back to bed and sleep some more. i was going to have a busy day. When i woke up again about 8:30, there was a note on my night table. i was on speech restriction, Master was gone out to the desert with the dog, and when He came back He expected me dressed to please Him, meet Him at the door with juice and have breakfast ready. It got better from there, but i don't remember exactly what. i know there was wax, i vacuumed the carpet, and i know He used the cups, they were on the sink counter when i woke up again at 1:30. The rest i don't know. I do have bruises, so it must have been good.

Later we took dog out again. In the morning Max met about 100 sheep head on. Master was very proud of him, when Master turned the car and started to drive away, Max followed right along. No looking back to the sheep. Tonight Max tried to catch an SUV, he ran full throttle at about 40 km/h and was closing on it, when the driver realized he was being chased and hit the gas. Max also discovered birds today, and was so surprised when the pigeon flew off and Max couldn't.

Went back to ikea tonight to pick up the shoe cabinet. All three pieces were damaged. i'm thankful the man looked at them so we didn't end up taking them home with us, but Master decided that instead of going all the way back there tomorrow again, we'd just take a refund and go buy the fake wood one at the furniture souk. When we got there tonight a different person was working. Last night the man quoted me 8 dinars for the cabinet. Tonight the guy wanted 15 dinars and the cabinent was damaged. i said no, last night i was told it was 8, so out of the goodness of his heart, he lowered the price to 12. Needless to say, we still don't have a shoe cabinet. i have heard, that just because i am American, some shop workers will double or triple the price. Now i believe it.

We are also still looking for a buffet. Went down to the furniture shops street to see about having one made, very simple lines, painted black. The materials cost 28 dinars, Master saw the numbers, the guy wanted 150 dinars. See above about how Americans are treated here by some. Don't have a new buffet yet either. So, next weekend, knees willing, we are going out to the Friday souk and see what we can find along the lines of area carpets, buffet, and shoe cabinet. i have to find Master's cane. i know where mine is.

i think Master is going to go to Doha tomorrow. We are just about out of pork. This is one thing that makes me sad. i can't go to Doha with Master. i don't have the proper papers to get on the base.
i think i've posted once before to this list, i read it all, just don't post. i seldom have anything interesting to say, but this struck me.

i've been reading the thread on spending money. Master doesn't make me account for my money. He knows i don't need much. i don't like to have lots of things just to have them. i buy what i need when i need it. If i don't need it, i don't buy. i pay all my expenses. i pay for repairs to emerson (the car) i buy gas, pay for any medicines or medical bills i have. Anything that is about me, i pay for with my money.

Anything that is for us, comes out of the house money, and that Master takes care of. i seldom go shopping for food by myself. i can't remember the last time that happened. i can put whatever i want in the shopping cart, but when it comes time to check out, Master has the final say on what gets paid for and what gets put back on the shelf. He pays all the house bills, and has final say on any purchases we make for our life together.

i pay the rent on the apartment, my work contract gives me money for housing. He pays for everything else. If house money looks like it is going to run out before the month ends, sometimes we will both put in a few dinars extra to get through to the first, but that only happens about twice a year. Before He goes home each year for vacation, He makes sure all bills are paid and there is food, except for things like bread and milk, to last until He gets back. Then He gives me a few dinars extra, just in case.

i don't have to ask permission to spend any money, but i always do. It's just that i don't spend money on many things that are not for Him in one way or another.

julia

We went out to get a new microwave tonight. And i baptized it with popcorn. The whole reason microwaves were invented in my opinion. We got one with a special popcorn button. How cool.

i didn't go to the office today. Instead i spent the day on me. Because of the move, my hands looked like they had been through a war. i got a manicure. And a pedicure. i got my hair trimmed, and had a reflexology massage. Saturday is sheera day. In the message i posted to a group i read, i said i don't spend money on things i don't need. And the money i do spend is for Master. i got the manicure and pedicure for Master because He likes my hands and feet to be beautiful and sexy. i got my hair trimmed for the same reason, Him. The sheera is because He likes me hairless everyplace but my head. i admit i get some benefit from these things. The day at the salon was sort of like a calgon bath. It is ramadan and the shop was very quiet. Most Muslim women were home sleeping or preparing the meals to break the fast. That's a lie, they were telling their maids what to prepare to break the fast. There were no phone calls for me. No students stopped by to ask questions about their research papers. No teachers came in and complained or vented or just used up my air. The move has been stressful for me. Add to that all the stuff that has been going on at work, and i needed today so that Master has an emotionally healthy slave.

About my crying.

It has bothered my for quite a while now. i've tried to put it into some sort of perspective. i think i have it nailed, now if i can just get the words right.

For over 2/3 of my life i have had to be the strong person. In my marriage, if i didn't make the decisions they didn't get made. If i didn't pay the bills they didn't get paid. After the divorce, i had the responsibility of raising two children, one of whom had serious health problems that persist still. If i wasn't strong for them, there was no one else around who could be. i got them raised, and am proud to say i'd like them even if they weren't my own.

Once my son was gone i was alone. i lived in a foreign country. While i had plenty of people who cared for me, i had no one to take care of me. i took care of myself. i didn't mind, i liked being an only child finally. i enjoyed having only myself to be responsible for and to. If i didn't want to eat dinner at 6 p.m., i didn't. If i didn't want to eat a balanced meal at all, i didn't. i had no one to answer to but myself. If i got wishy washy or squeamish about some decision that had to be made, it was my own fault for the consequences. i liked that.

Now i am Master's. i have always maintained that being His is the most difficult thing i have ever done. He only asks one thing from me, and that is to give Him my control. After our first year together, i gave Him a gold coin with the arabic term for control inscribed on it. He keeps it in His wallet. i have given Him a symbol of my control, but i still fight it every day. i fight every day to keep from taking it back. i don't believe He has a good idea of how hard i must work to not wrest it back from His ownership.

i have spent several days recently trying to figure out why i cry. i think that is it. It is my way of releasing the frustration i fight to be submissive to Him. i want to handle things my way. i'm good at it. i have done it for many years without anyone's help. But now, i must obey what He says. And that is hard. And that is why i cry.

i am not unhappy with my life. i feel more at peace with myself than ever before. i don't know that i love Master in the same way that He says He loves me. i don't know if i'm capable of that kind of love. i do have very strong feelings for Him, but i don't know that it is love. i know i need to be with Him, or someone like Him. And that is why i cry.
How weird.
This move is getting to me. i feel so totally out of control. it seems i can't talk to Master without saying things that sound as if i'm bitching or picking on Him. We have differnt ideas about how things are done. i want the move to be done. i've always said that this is the most difficult relationship i have ever been a part of. i fight against my submission to Him on a daily basis. When we talk, i've told Him i really do want this. If it wasn't what i wanted or needed to make me whole/happy, i would not be here. i have left relationships that were a lot easier than this that were much less difficult. i don't know why i stay, why i put myself through this hard work. It seems odd to say that something this difficult has made me the happiest i have been in many years.

i think of Hush's cs and how she can't tell her master she love's him. i'm not sure i love Master, i'm not sure i know what love is, or how it feels. i'm certainly not sure i've ever even been in love. i do know tht for some masochistic reason i need to stay with Him. i do have very strong feelings for Him. He is an important part of my life. i know we will survive this move, i know it. It's just that right now i'm not seeing it.

Tonight, tomorrow morning actually, we are going out to watch the leionide meteor shower. i'm waiting to talk to Daughter and after we are finished i'm going to take a bath and go to bed. This is not all that unusual, because i ride with the dog, i'm usually in bed by 9 or 9:30. Tonight i'm shooting for 8:30 at the latest. Then at the bright and early hour of 2 we are going to make a pot of coffee, get some doughnuts and make a desert run. We have already packed the car. Master put in a big plastic tarp that we will put on our lounges and two thick fleece blankets that we will sit on and cover with. i've just remembered i have a sheepskin. i think i'll take that along too. i've dug out my insulated long johns and undershirt and found my silk socks and the wool ones to go over them. i've dusted off my hiking boots, and found my wool mittens. Master says i'm going to be overdressed by about 2 tons, but i know what it's like to be chilled-to-the-bone cold. i don't plan to be that tomorrow morning. i can always take a layer off, but if i don't have it, i can't put it on. i need to find my hat to keep my head and ears warm. i know Master will eventually go dig out His warm weather gear, but right now He's busy doing something else.

i'm excited about this desert trip. i've seen the perseides in Taiwan. A friend of mine and i went into the mountains and sat on the hood of my car and drank beers all night long. But that was not anything as spectacular as what is supposed to happen tomorrow morning. i don't know if i'll be able to sleep tonight. i've been debating whether to take one of 'mother's little helper's' tonight. i know if i sleep well, i'll wake up fine at 2. The other side of the coin is that i'll be up from 2:00 on. We'll get back about 5 or so, but that won't be enough time to go back to bed. So i expect i'll just take another HOT HOT bath to get the circulation flowing again, eat a little breakfast and go to work. Tomorrow, for sure, i'll be napping by 15 minutes after i get home from work. i've got my ironing done for tomorrow, and know i won't be having a fashion crisis at the last moment. i'm good to go.
At 7:39 tonight was the first moment of the day i had the chance to chill. From the time i got up this morning at 4:30 to take the dog out for his morning run, to 7:39 this evening i have been on the run. On top of that the trip home from the office, which normally takes 40 minutes, took 1 hour and 40 minutes. On top of that, while all i really wanted was some quiet time, Master couldn't talk fast enough about all the things He wanted to say. i was very tempted to tell Him to 'just shut the fuck up!', but knowing how much He likes the razor strop as punishment and how much i hate the cane, i kept my mouth shut. He is gone now, i think purposefully longer than usual, just to give me the chance to chill. i am so tense my back spasms are having spasms. i hate feeling like this.

i want to know why a drug that costs $10/ day in the states cost about 1/10th of that in other countries. i want to know why someone who needs that drug in the states but is not able to afford it has to beg and plead with the government to have the 'right' to it. i want to know why the manufacturer of said drug charges so much, but can manage to give samples to the physicians all over the country to hand out to patients. Or why said drug manufacturer can offer coupons for free 'scripts, but can't find it in it's heat to make this drug available to all who could benefit from it without making these people loose their self-dignity. i want to know why the drug manufacturers of the world have the right to treat people in this way. i think it sucks that Big Money can get away with this. Or make it nearly impossible for the 'little person' to find a way to benefit from the drug. i want to know why life can seem so unfair. A person with so many things working to make his/her life more difficult has to fight just to keep his/her emotional health in balance. Where is it written that this must be so? And who the fuck made that decision?

Jeeze, i'm a bitch tonight. i think i'll just say good night gracie.
i had such a good night last night that i forgot to make an entry.

i don't know what was wrong yesterday, but all i could do is sleep. i got up at 6 and took a nap at noon. Not a nap really but more on that later.

Got up about 2:30 and was in bed by 8:30 last night. slept straight through until 7 this morning.


Had a bad session yesterday. Master stopped it very early. i don't know what the problem was, the only thing we could think of that caused it might be that i didn't have much time to prepare myself mentally for it. i believe that is the reason for it. We were busy all morning and Master didn't require me to put on make up or get dressed in all the stuff. i hate doing this, but i now believe it is necessary for me to get my head in the right place.

i wondered if i might be changing and turning into a non-masochist, but Master says He doubts that i will ever change. He thinks we might change some as we get older, but the general dynamic will remain the same for us. He has made plans for us to play sometime this week. He has told me all about it. i think that is part of what was wrong again yesterday. i had no idea we were going to play until late Wednesday night.

i can't believe how i reacted on the cross yesterday. It still needs some refinement, and causes me discomfort on my knees, but that wasn't the problem. i just couldn't handle the pain. i felt so bad for Master. He went to all the trouble of setting that time for me, and i couldn't deal with it. Maybe that is why i was so tired the rest of the day. it may have been depression.

Last night we took the dog out to the desert. Not for a run, but because it was such a beautiful night. We took out the chairs and some water and a blanket for me, and went out and looked at the stars. We saw 5 shooting stars and a satellite as well as about a gazillion stars. Max had a great time. He had his nose to the ground the whole time. Except when he was digging for oil. He dug so hard he threw sand on the car in clumps. Art work Master called it.

This morning we took him out again. Tonight i took him out on the bike at Iftar. The evening meal that breaks the fast of ramadan. There were more people out than i expected, but dog did fine. He ignored men and cats and birds and cars. He was good.

i'm still tired.

The new apartment is empty. Master went down this afternoon and talked to the manager. Master thinks we may be able to start moving next weekend. It all depends on how quickly they get the necessary work done. The walls repainted, the leak damage repaired. Master said we could re-invent the wheel when it came to the move.

He and i have several huge differences in living standards. And they have to be addressed with this move. i cannot live with a kitchen where i'm afraid to open the doors of the cupboards because He needs to have three tins of saltines for the twice a year He makes chili. Or 15 boxes of tea that He doesn't drink. And hasn't touched in the time we've been together. We have different levels of neat and we are also going to have to come to an acceptable arrangement on that too. i can't be a good slave to Him if i am miserable about how we live. i hate thinking i am a snob, but i can't live in a redneck house.
Today was not the best of days. i wonder if my biorythms are skewed. A basket on the top shelf of the computer desk fell off and hit me and then fell to the floor. Two bottles of red nail polish broke and spewed all over the blue carpet. i was not happy. After about an hour's worth of scrubbing the spots are gone. But now the rest of the carpet looks bad, because that spot is so clean. i had to pitch the house dress i was wearing and used about half a bottle of polish remover to get the paint off me. Cleaning it ruined my nails, i was so upset and nervous i had to redo them three times. What a mess. Finally they passed Master's muster. i thought i was going to be in big trouble, punishment even. The punishment isn't corporal. i couldn't wear anything today. If i am not going to be careful of my clothes, i can't wear any. It was a bit chilly today. And i had to be careful of cold dog noses.

Since i can't wear anything today, i am home while Master is at a party. In one way i am not too upset by that. One of Master's co-workers is going back to the States to die. He has stomach cancer and the doc says it is inoperable. Not too happy an occasion, but Master felt obligated to go because He works with the man. i am not unhappy to be home. i am cold.

i have about half my mid semester exams marked. They were not good. Not much has been good today. Is it Friday the 13th today?
My brother will be home this weekend. He has/had a meeting in Chicago and built in the weekend home with Mother. That's nice. i think son will get to see his uncle. It will be the first time in a long time. i can't even remember how many years. It has to be over 5. It's been even longer since my brother has seen Daughter. Ah well, life goes on.

i am going to have to ask Master for some talk time. i hate that she is getting to me this way. i hate that i am thinking of petty ways to get even with her for what she did today. On the way home from work today i felt really sad. i have no close female friends here anymore.

It has nothing to do with my life as a slave. Master is very encouraging and open about allowing me friends. My life is very sheltered. Not because of who i am, more because of where i am. It is very difficult to be friends with a woman of islam. The thing i worried about before taking this position has happened. Because of my job i feel i need to step away from the women at work. i don't want to appear to be playing favorites at any time. And if i am close to them, they expect to be let in on all that goes on with the Deans and such. Sometimes that just can't happen. Then there are some who get all bent out of shape because they don't know 'everything' first.

i'm not having a pity party here. i have Master. i asked Him the other night if He felt we spent too much time together. His answer was no, just the right amount of time. i have no desire to be anyplace but with Him. But i do sometimes miss the companionship of a woman. Master is good, but He doesn't think like a woman.

i stood up to the Dean today. He probably isn't happy about it, but in the long run i know i'm right. i hate operating at the crisis level. If he would just give me more than a nano second to get what he wants ready to present to FoM, we'd all be better off. i mentioned this to the VDAA and he laughed and said he's been working with this mindset ever since he came to this university. i created a document in a morning that normally takes two weeks to put together. i don't like to put things out under my name that i don't feel is my best work. Today i was forced to do my best under pressure. Because of that, i was not prepared for teaching. On top of that, i was late by nearly 30 minutes. This can't happen again. My teaching is most important to me. Far more important than administrative shit.

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Julia Klein

September 2017

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